Logically unsupportable beliefs I have: Milk and coffee

February 21, 2011

While I am not a religious man I believe that faith is the largest part of self:  identity is pulled from gossamer strands of supposition woven into an assumptive web strong enough to suspend disbelief. An overstatement? Quite possibly. Overwritten? Most assuredly. But the point stands: Empiricism is the lazy man’s retreat. True understanding of the world must be derived first principle through a combination wit, intuition, and rhetorical hustle. Proof is artful transmission of belief, nothing more.

It is with this mind I present you: Logically unsupportable beliefs I have…and stand by.

Let’s get down to business.

The Claim: Coffee keeps milk from spoiling

Details: I often leave half full cups of cream laden coffee on my filing cabinet at work. For days at a time. Then I drink them. When questioned on the advisability of this, from a spoilage standpoint, I assert that once mixed with coffee milk will not spoil.

Supporting Rational: I suspect the heat and caffeine of coffee Hortonizes the milk to such an extent that any bacteria present becomes wired and agitated past the point of cooperation. Sure some of them want to hold hands and make poison but they can’t stop talking about this record store they’ve always wanted to start up downtown near the hipster district where their ex works across from the vintage clothing store that she used to buy scarves at where they always played prog rock and shit the court of the crimson king was a good song.  I’m pretty sure my immune system is up for the challenge.

Reasons it might not be true: I’ve gotten pretty sick a few times from drinking old coffee; once so bad I shat in a garbage can while throwing up in a toilet. I might have even cried a little.

Conclusion: I believe that in the few cases where I did get sick it was the cold temperature of coffee that dangerously lowered my core temperate, leaving me vulnerable to outside contagion. If anything it was the nutrition in the sanctified milk that kept me alive.

Next: The Claim: Men with weak chins are untrustable

4 Responses to “Logically unsupportable beliefs I have: Milk and coffee”

  1. Sally Says:

    This is totally insupportable! If they weren’t hortonized you’d stand a chance because hipster bacteria aren’t all that productive even when they make an effort. Once hortonized they don’t even have to try, they just have to be themselves in order to make you sick. You’re crazy!

  2. Jive Says:

    Here’s a belief of my own: The fact that I met 2 twenty somethings of north american origin today who had never heard of James Brown proves that humanity is doomed or at least no longer worth salvaging.

  3. Mike Says:

    So by your own admission it’s possible, although not conclusive, that you’ve been laid out by hipster bacteria? How much of this coffee did you drink surely 20oz or less of room temperature coffee isn’t enough to lower your corp body temperature. Sounds like the tight jean, fixie ridin’ bacteria is getting the best of you.

  4. sulya Says:

    “True understanding of the world must be derived first principle through a combination wit, intuition, and rhetorical hustle. Proof is artful transmission of belief, nothing more.”

    Why the hell have I been reading over 50 pages of theory a week for nearly three semesters in a Master’s program when I could have just come here and read what all those words were trying to tell me in two sentences?

    I will likely quote you in a paper sooner rather than later. Should you object to this, you may see my attorney who has a forged copy of your consent filed with all due diligence beside the ones permitting me to end sentences on prepositions, to dangle modifiers and to drink four-day old still-steeping tea directly from the pot…


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