Beats Entropy:Irony Scale
March 31, 2011
At some point clarity lost its legitimacy to subtlety, and ironic disaffection and apathy became the cultural currency of the hip. Never having been hip, or subtle, it is hard to say when which gave way to what (which actually is hard to say), but the end result was irony becoming the key social moderator. About the same time reading became not so popular, which is a bit of problem when your locus of cool is a fairly slippery esoteric concept. What are the retro clad and bearded masses to do?
In an effort to keep the smug barista and spoken word poetry industry from grinding to a halt Beats Entropy is going to drop a little knowledge.
Let us define our terms:
Irony= when the result of an action is contrary to the desired or expected effect or contrary to some intrinsic quality (real or inferred).
Things entirely devoid of irony
It gets dark at night
Surrender is a word of French extraction.
Ugly people are often sad
Now I could get all fancy and suss out all the gradations of irony through a series of complex logical syllogisms, but we both know that sort of academic hokum proves nothing. The only legitimate method of exploring such a topic is a peer reviewed, toast backed, scale from 1-20. Let’s get down to business.
Beats Entropy Irony Scale:
0. Toast being delicious
1. A pony eating a pumpkin 
2. Rain on your wedding day 
3. Accidentally shooting your self with the shotgun you were cleaning during your daily suicide readiness check.
4. My three failed attempts at spelling wedding (weding/weeding/weedding) in a sanctimonious piece about correct language use.
5. A pedophile accidentally molesting a very small adult
6. Fire ants freezing to death
7. It is more difficult to get into an accredited Carny school that it is Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. 
8. Vegan fists fights 
9. Getting dumped by a heart surgeon/getting treated well by a proctologist
10. A lifeguard drowning 
11. Every line in John Lennon’s Imagine is painfully on the nose
12. My He-man figure Stinkor smelled quite pleasantly of new plastic and gasoline, while my Mossman smelled like a nutsack with an infected tooth. 
13. Getting your arm stuck in vending machine and starving to death
14. French toast somehow being more delicious than regular toast (7)
15. Mocking birds are surprisingly understanding and excellent listeners (8)
16. Being in such a hurry to attend a pro-life rally you forget to take the coat hanger out your pants. (9)
17. To punish us for being evil god crucifies his only begotten son. 
18. Accidentally shooting yourself with the flower garlanded shotgun you were brandishing to ensure the safety of your suicide prevention parade float.
19. A very small adult molesting a pedophile
20. A rollercoaster pinning you down and just screaming the day away
1.+8 if the witless half- horse has coincidentally stumbled upon a jack’o lantern with a tableau of pumpkins eating ponies carved into the front of it.
2. Moderated if one happens to be marrying a sun god (barring recent divorce from more powerful rain god).
3. It takes over 5000 tickets, two amber alerts, and one verifiable deformity to get in.
4. Part the uncharacteristic aggression the act implies, part the implausibility of two vegans having the strength to stand upright for that long.
5. +3 if the lifeguard was on dry land. +2 if they were running or engaged in horseplay.
6. I also lost all of the detachable pieces of my Modulok figure, leaving me the rough narrative task of trying to insert its limbless torso and head into villainous playtime roles. He eventually became Skeletor’s beloved disabled brother who was mangled in a head on car crash with a drunken teenage Prince Adam. Hmmm..all of that is actually more ironic than the entry to which this is a footnote…meh, I stand by it.
7. Though I suspect it is its shameful defeat at the hands of butter and eggs that facilitates this.
8. Killdeers, howerever, are implacable foes of all split hoofed mammals.
9. The gender, fecundity, and velocity with which said person might apply pants is subject to reader implication.
10- This is akin to punishing someone for stealing your wallet by kicking in your big screen TV. That’ll show him!
OTHER ASSESSMENT SCALES