surreal treachery

August 5, 2006

Picture this:

You and a companion decide to go out for dinner. You decide on a cuisine type, a restaurant and a time when you want to dine, and proceed to that location. You are seated, in a crowded – though comfortable – restaurant, and you wait to be served. Selecting your cullinary indulgences, and placing your order, you both sit back and wait to taste the delightful treats you have been craving.

You wait an appropriate 10-20 minutes, the anticipation mixing with hunger and sociallity to create the perfect mix of mutual desire and socially benign impatience. Then, the time comes, you see your waiter exit the kitchen and begin to wander towards you. His tray is covered, but you know he can only be bringing those chosen morsels that tempted you from the safety of your home. Standing before you, the waiter opens his tray – the smell is intoxicating.

“Have you ever craved more style?” the waiter askes?

“Pardon me?” you respond confused.

“Do you dream of wet roads and full moons?” he continues.

“I really dont understand” you reply, getting a bit frustrated.

“Does what you drive speak to who you are?” the waiter continues unhindered “does your car say ‘sexy bitch’ to those around you?”

“What the flaming fuck balls are you on about, you mentally challenged, paint huffing, restaurant biscuit?” you blurt out, anger taking hold, “shut the fuck up and give us our food!”

“Cervix LT RS, from Hi-on-dia, build for drivy drivers who want sex” the waiter concludes as though in another world.

Now remove the joyous possibility of doing meaningful yet creative intense bodily harm to the waiter in the story, imagine you have to pay in advance for such surreal treachery, and then replace the cullinary indulgence with audio visual divertisement … and wham … you have the modern theater going experience.

I cannot properly communicate the deep rage that seeing television commercials on the big screen induces. Now I am not talking about those annoying – before the movie starts – shitty adds that one must endure like some terrible crucible for the privilege of showing up early enough to ge good seats. No I speak of the full length, high production value, extra content, ass-bastard-mother-of-a-diseased-goat-wanker commercials you have to endure once the movie has purportedly begun.

In my last adventure, not only was i offered energy-drinks, two chances to woed into buying the same cellphone, a farmer-rap supporting milk, and two seperate car commercials (to name only a few) – I had to sit through a fucking commercial telling me about how I should come to movies – TWICE!

Its as though i was pissed on, by the very establishment i was patronizing, and then once toweled off, pissed on all over again. I mean – for the sweet love of all that is good and holy – am I not already fucking convinced that i should see a movie on the big screen when i am sitting in the fucking theater? What more must I do to prove my loyalty to the dying and soon to be extinct form of mass entertainment? I already pay (for two tickets and a snack) as much to see whatever flavour of mediocrity is being released as I would to buy the bloody thing.

Now, for the ever elusive point – to any movie executives, movie theater share holders, owners, directors, actors, or companies that advertise to the captive audiences of the movie theaters – STOP THE FUCKING INSANITY, OR YOU CAN KISS MY, MY WIFE’S, AND ANY FUTURE PRODIGY OF OURS’ BUSINESS GOODBYE.

The really sad thing is we love movies, so just imagine how many quasi-fans these moves of marketing morons have already lost.

To those who are advertising – we will never purchase any product we see advertised during a film. Hear that? It’s the sound of billions of lost dollars in revenue.

So please, wise the fuck up – stop putting commercials in our theaters – or start planning the next use for the soon to be abandon (once proud) palaces of cinemagraphic magic!

And before you write off these ramblings as the acrid frustrations of just one guy, keep in mind, the internet has forever shattered the delusion of individual uinqueness. I am but a representative sample, a statistical cross section, a foot soldier in the charge of popular opinion.

Your mission, brave reader, should you choose to accept it, is to help those dim-witted, slow to catch on, captains of industry correct the sad error of their ways. Don’t just bitch, as I know you all do. Call in, write emails, scream out your own competing commercials in theater, fill in comment cards, or loiter outside (obnoxiously) until the commercials end, and if all else fails – stop going entirely. There are no shortages of alternatives, from home entertainment setups to second-run small scale theaters.

For if you do not, the next time you see a film, those vile parasites of consumerism may have burrowed their way past the previews and into the precious film itself. As we say in the zombie hunting business – organize before they rise.



3 Responses to “surreal treachery”

  1. John Gap Says:

    Gap’s prediction: Commercial break “intermissions” by 2008. The trend of longer movie times has already paved the way.

    Have you ever been shushed during the commercials? That’s a real gem of a social interaction right there.

  2. nessaroo Says:

    Since they used to have intermissions during long films in the ‘olden days’, it probably will happen again. The modern version will eventually turn into live sex and human killing shows. Oh and of course midgets…you always got to have midgets. Who cares what they do, they are midgets!

  3. “Have you ever been shushed during the commercials? ”

    I carry a squirt gun full of battery acid for just such occasions.

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