Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me – Part 1: Care Bears, Hercules, and the Smurfs

August 31, 2006

The Care Bears

I don’t know if they were a bunch ursine empathic vampires trying to pass themselves off as good Samaritans, or just some cosplay midgets that couldn’t mind their own damn business. Either way they creeped the hell out of me.

If I’m having a shitty day, and as result feel a tad surly, the last thing I need is some talking bear getting on my back about it. Yeah maybe I forgot to say thank you, or I slapped my assistant because he makes crap coffee, who are you to tell me how to live my life? Maybe if I lived in cloud city I would be nice all the time too, but I don’t, I live in the real world, and the real world fucking sucks. You care so much; where were you when my wife left me? You want to help; get her to stop turning my kid against me.

Hey, who is that with you there? Grumpy bear?

Get your own house in order before you think about interfering with mine. And speaking of house, who the fuck let you in here? You got a warrant bitch? I don’t care how low your caring clock was it’s still break and enter. Looks like you’re doing hard time baby. Let see how full of love you are after you become an amorous throw pillow for some hard luck trucker doing eight years for aggravated assault.

The Mighty Hercules

Let me state right off that I have no problem with Hercules’ obvious homosexuality. It’s a lifestyle choice and no ones business but his. What I do have a problem with is him being a disturbed closet case that torments and manipulates anyone who loves him.

Look up in the sky children, Hercules is falling towards us and he appears to be wearing… a shirt, , and a belt.Real classy Herc.

But that petty exhibitionism is nothing compared to the constant emotion abuse he heaped on his lover Newton

Hercules: Hey Newton, go get my giant sword that is way too heavy for you.

Newton : Yes sir, where did you put it

Hercules: I don’t know, maybe in some log or behind a rock. I don’t keep track of that shit. Just look around until you find it. Oh, and I’m about to enter a life and death battle so be quick; if I die it will be all your fault.

Newton (in tears, running to fetch sword): Why would say that Herc, why would you say that.

Classic displaced rage fuelled by his inability accept his suppressed man love urges. He even had a sham girlfriend he’d feign interest in now and again to keep the heat off. Helena “The Golden Beard” Princessia.

Helena : Why won’t you make love to me, Hercules?

Hercules: Uh, I think I hear the Hydra. (makes Romp Romp Romp noise)

Helena: What about my Hydra Hercules? When will you fight my hydra?

Hercules:Damnit Newton, did you find that sword yet?

At least Newton knew who he was; the gayest centaur walking the planet.

Tewt is a little harder to categorize.

I pretty sure the little dude was so freaky he would wrap his lips around anything he could force whistling sound out of, men, women, centaurs, hydras, you name it. Also I suspect a serious coke habit.

If Herc would just relax and embrace what was already painfully obvious his life would be so much easier. At the very least he wouldn’t have to take off the power ring all the time, for fear the flashy jewellery would give away the game. It’s ancient Greece dude, nobody is going to judge you. They all get down like that. Put aside the sham girly, make an honest centaur of Newton, and I will remove you from my bad books.

Oh, and Herc, a school of young boys that can summon you by unbuckling their moon belts?

Come on man, have a little respect.

The Smurfs

You commie, gang-banging, sons of bitches; there are so many reason to hate you.

From your substandard bridge building, to your smug socialist mushroom utopia,

to your racist marginalizing of the purple gnaps ; everything you do fills me with rage.

At first glance my seething contempt seems unreasonable, disturbed even. That is only because you are drinking the kool-aid Papa “Doc” Smurf has been serving for years. Scratch the surface of that humble Bluetocracy and things, dark cultish things, come in view. That’s right baby, the Smurfs are a cult, and as vile a cult as I have ever seen. All the classic signs are there: common dress to strip away identity, isolated location to prevent “contamination” from the outside world, and a charismatic svengali with absolute power over life and death.

But where are the women you ask? Has Poppa, in the interest of harmony, decided to keep them in their own lovely village? Or perhaps you believe that tripe about their being no female Smurfs. LIES! All lies!

Want to know the dark secret of why there are no female [1] smurfs , Maybe you should ask Papa how he has managed to live for hundreds of years, and why his white suit is stained red; all female Smurfs are sacrificed to dark gods to fuel Papa’s unnatural life and thick lush beard.

The few Smurfs that dare to questions Papa’s bloodthirsty edict meet their end at the hands of the rarely seen “Choppy Smurf” , Poppas hand groomed “problem solver”.

The intense stress of this living situation has forced a bizarre form of mass OCD stereotypic behaviours throughout the populace. Each Smurf has there own little obsessive ritual to distance themselves from the carnage around them. From extreme coveting of baked goods[2], constant forced jocularity, or sleeping all day in a lazy attempt to find refuge in dream land.

I weep for you la Schtroumpf, but I hate you all the same.

Perhaps one day a hero, likely a Gnap freedom fighter, will rise up and free you from your oppression; though this would likely force a Waco like confrontation that would decimate your ranks.

[1] Smurfette is clay simulacrum brought to life, not a real female Smurf. This soullessness is the reason Papa has not placed her on the stone alter of his chthonic masters.

[2] Proof that Jay is a smurf.

Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me

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28 Responses to “Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me – Part 1: Care Bears, Hercules, and the Smurfs”

  1. NotMike Says:

    Do you really have 4 more parts ready to go? Really? Or am I gonna be completely unsurprised when parts four and five start to wander into made-up, nonsensical, never-actually-took-place territory?


  2. Are implying that “Redulak and the Modular Foursome” was not a widely viewed cartoon?


  3. Man that was good show.
    Remember how the dad would yell out “Redulak Extremulate” and the family would jump into their battle suits so they could combine. That was unless “Tupper”, their down sydndrome blessed cousin, got a hold of the Redulak power amulet; then things really got crazy.

  4. NotMike Says:

    You poor, poor planner.

  5. John VanderGeese (voice of "Tupper") Says:

    As a long standing member of the cast of ‘Redulak and the Modular Forsome’ I am appalled by your prejudice agaisnt the slow but kind hearted cousin “Tupper.”

    While indeed, there were times when cousin Tupper’s antics caused the rest of the team some grief (particularly in episodes 34,43, 51,66,67,68,89,109, and 121) he more than redeemed himself when he sacrificed himself to save Captain Thermo Redulak in his final appearance in episode 126.

    And while we are on the subject, let me just dispell the rumours that this twist in the plot was devised to kick me off the cast in light of (libalous and unsubstantiated) legal problems. This is categorically untrue! While some court proceeding are yet unresolved, let me assure you and your readers that I have never done anything even remotely unbecoming with any of the young fans of the show I used to mentor at Redulak Camp. (Redulak Camp was indeed located in my basement, but this was only because at the time there was no funding for a better location.)

    Tupper saved Captain Redulak and died a hero! You hear me? A HERO!

    I’m a HERO!

  6. NotMike Says:

    If by ‘hero’ you mean ‘convicted arsonist and suspected pedophile’, then yeah, I hear you. ‘Loud’ and ‘clear.’

    By which I mean, ‘You need help’ and ‘I feel sorry for your wife.’

  7. Mike Says:

    There’s some freaky sexual overtones to the Care Bears as well.

    I eagerly await the next installment in hopes that you’ll address some of the cartoons that have wronged me as well.


  8. Mr. Vandergeese,

    I am flattered and surprised near to incredulity that you read my blog. Given it’s relative newness, and the severe internet restrictions placed upon you as part of your parole, this is a happy coincidence indeed.

    For those you less familiar to with John work he also did the following voice work in his illustrious career

    Squidge in “Squidge the loneliest Dolphin”
    Pepper in “Misses Jumbly merrytime Jamborie”
    Tea Pot #3 in “Where is my damn tea pot B***h” an educational video on spousal abuse
    Sneaky Darkie in “How the white man lost his way” a controversial indy from the Heritage Front.

    All this talk is making me nostaligic.
    I’m going to dig around and try to find some the archival footage I have of Redulak.


  9. “If by ‘hero’ you mean ‘convicted arsonist and suspected pedophile’, then yeah, I hear you.”

    Not for nothing, but I think he’s actually a suspected arsonist and convicted pedophile. I could have my wires crossed though.


  10. “I eagerly await the next installment in hopes that you’ll address some of the cartoons that have wronged me as well. ”

    Who did you wrong? (as in who did wrong to you)
    Here at Beats Entropy we always take up for the little guy, and try to answer reader requests, if at all possible.

  11. engtech Says:

    I for one am a little saddened that John spends his free time searching the Internet in case someone is talking about him.


  12. YES!
    I google rule my name three pages deep.
    Suck on that John Smith.

  13. John VanderGeese (voice of "Tupper") Says:

    I hate you all!

    Always spreading your filthy lies, and untruths about me and the Redulak campers!

    I gave those treacherous little street urchins more love than they had experienced in their whole lives. Is it my fault such tenderness scared them?

    Am I a monster for caring too much? Should i be shunned for being too affectionate?

    Its a sick world when the name of great animated voicist like myself can be smeared in a malicious campaign of slander.

    Well the last laugh will be mine, as ‘Sneaky Darkie’ would say: “I’ll cut yer honkey throats while you’re sleeping!”

  14. Mike Says:

    Slander not so much, libel yes indeedy.

    As for which cartioons have done me wrong I think it’s more that their plastic representations didn’t live up to the expectancies I had. e.g. My Thundercats sword never grew in size no matter how many, or how heartfelt my cries of “THUNDER!” were.

  15. jaybird Says:

    My Thundercats sword never grew in size no matter how many, or how heartfelt my cries of “THUNDER!” were.

    They make a pill for that.

    A blue pill.

  16. w()rmwood Says:

    I leave for one afternoon and Mike starts talking about his ‘thunder sword’ problem and a convicted pedophile starts commenting on our blog entries.

    Sweet.

  17. JIFF Says:

    Captain Planet?

    What the hell kind of lame powers does that last kid have. “Heart” ooooooh Scarey. He’s going to tramlple me with kindness and love.


  18. “What the hell kind of lame powers does that last kid have. “Heart” ooooooh Scarey.”

    He makes the villians feel so bad about his crappy powers they give up voluntarily out of pity.


  19. I have managed to get my hands on partial script from the Redulak and modular foursome.
    I need to clear some things by legal but I may be able to post it. Keep your eyes peeled.


  20. […] Cartoons that confuse and anger me- Part one of a five part expose’Gone wanderingGuide to Being RightTo kill a king?The five greatest pop culture crimes committed against me, AJ Valliant […]


  21. […] Redulak and the modular foursome: the lost episodeCartoons that confuse and anger me- Part one of a five part expose’Gone wanderingGuide to Being RightTo kill a king? […]


  22. Yes!
    This article just lured in some poor soul google searching for
    “care bear tea set”. I can only hope it was Hercules and he gave my words proper consideration.

  23. Test Says:

    Hi

    G’night

  24. Anonymous Says:

    U guys need to get some Pussy and stop behaving like 10 year olds,… Darn, what losers!


  25. No deal, Anonymous guy for mauritas!

  26. Lewis... Says:

    WOW….. oh, my. That was 17 min of my life very well spent. My buddy got a bit mad cause i kept reading aloud a bunch of shit he didn’t want to hear. Get the Smurfs together with the Fraggles (cult) and let them kill each other off in a battle with toothpick spears.

    and anonymous, you have some sick ways getting off on reading this and your maybe a closet homo. Its writen all over you. You (more than likely) try really hard to become a cop, or maybe a teacher. Only so that you can tell yourself you have power over others and that they respect and fear you. Why are you even sitting here reading this post or all the others before it, you need it, the “their less than me, and i’ll let them know it” factor. Insted of wasting your time on us “10 year old losers” go and get some of your beloved snatch, or man love, or peanutbutter on the balls dog licking action. What ever floats your “i’m more grown up than you are” boat

  27. Sally Says:

    Groan with me now: a live-action, 3D smurfs movie is set for release in mid 2011. On the plus side, I really hope John Lithgow brings some of his season 4 Dexter creepiness into his role as Papa Smurf.

    Another excellent early piece that was a pleasure to re-visit.


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