Bad Movie Reviews: Crank

September 4, 2006

crankI realize that saying Crank is better than Ultraviolet isn’t much of a comparison, but both movies are cut from the same cloth. In both cases the directors were heavily influenced by drugs and video games. Crank screams “Grand Theft Auto”: car chases, stolen taxi cabs and police motorcycles. They even had the map pull-out sequence from the original GTA PC games.

But is it any good? No, no it isn’t.


Within the first five minutes they’ve firmly downgraded your expectations and you know what you’ve gotten yourself into. With Ultraviolet there was always the hope that it would get better, but Crank firmly squashes that from the get go. The major difference was that Ultraviolet took itself seriously, while Crank knows exactly what it is: two thirteen-year-old boys putting together a movie out of what they think is cool after playing years of mind-numbing video games and never having touched a titty.

But the fact that it’s so dumb plays in its favour. I found myself laughing incredulously at the ridiculousness of the entire thing. I felt sorry for Jason Statham, like he was a cat with a pink bow around his head but still trying to act dignified. There’s a certain edge to his performance because he knows he’s trapped in a shit film, and that adds to his character.

There must have been some kind of bait and switch going on in the background. Someone lied and said they had the rights to GTA, got Statham and the movie deal in place, and then the truth came out that they hadn’t even TRIED to get the license from Rockstar. But by then it was too late and they were all forced on this path because too much investors money had already been spent on coke, booze and women, and if it didn’t get released then heads would roll.

Crank is a good “bad” movie. It is what it is, and still enjoyable to watch despite being a piece of crap. I can see it now on the DVD rental wall, slowly moving its’ way to the back of the pack, trying to keep distance between itself and its’ betters. Crank isn’t making any airs, it knows it’s place in life.

And that’s the bargain bin of your local grocery store.

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2 Responses to “Bad Movie Reviews: Crank”


  1. “And that’s the bargain bin of your local grocery store. ”

    Does Hartmans have a Video section near the piano guy now?

  2. Dave Says:

    Hay I liked it, wouldn’t see it twice like, but thought that for the moneys paid for is viceral, saccarine, delights where worth it. Unlike so many other films released this year it knew it was dumb and went with it.


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