September 5, 2006
Ladies and gentleman, I’m going to have to ask you to return to seats and insure your chin straps are buckled in a secure fashion, It’s Letter Day. That’s right folks, since you were kind enough to write in, we are dedicating a whole day to responding to your electronic correspondence. Don’t say I never did anything for you… because I did…just now. In the future Dr. Entropy will be handling Letter Day, but since this is the inaugural edition I figured I would avoid delegating. Enough chit chat, on to the letters.
Letter 1 – On Blogging
You are not famous, you are not published, you don’t even have a real website. You have a blog, so does everyone else.Get over yourself. I started two blogs while I was writing this email, man am I cool.
A little harsh Star Killer, but not totally unjustified.
I can’t speak for my co-conspirators, but I draw absurdly disproportionate amounts of personal validation from running this blog. The fact that, potentially dozens of people a day, read my website has, in my eyes, confirmed my genius, and magnified my sexual potency many times over. Some days I need to stand on my hands in the morning just to use the toilet, such is the tenacity of my timber. Now instead of paying at restaurants I just recite my blog address over and over, until they give me my food for free.
In short I have been walking on angels of late, and you did right things by bringing me down to earth. Thanks Star Killer, you real cuz.
 I’ll call it what I please, jackass.
Letter 2 – On Massage Ponies
Are Massage ponies real? If so where can I get one?
Are massage ponies real?
Sure as sunshine Luke, as sure as sunshine. They are only available via prescription and the Chinese black market, though. Try and find a crooked Chinese doctor; you know,to cover your bases. Maybe grab some spare eyes and kidney while you’re down there.
Letter 3 – On He-Man and Latent Male Homosexuality
Why do you have to bad talk He-Man?
He caught the moon, can you catch the moon? Be a shame if something happened to all your stuff while you were out.
Rob V., Apartment 5
Duly noted, Rob.
Letter 4 – On Politics
Where would you place your selves on the political spectrum?
Well we try to avoid political tedium here, but I suppose the is a reasonable question. Sussing out bias and all that. W()rmwood is free living, pro-necrophilia, damn hippie. Engtech has socially progressive beliefs, but lives too much like an affluent grown up to be any further left than center. Jaybird might have watched a movie about politics at one point, we aren’t sure. I am a far right, small government, hate monger of a Libertarian. Dr Entropic doesn’t get an opinion.
When forced to confront serious issues we flee to our mountain silos, climb into our respective giant robots, and form MEGARATIONAL PERSPECTOR, and let him give his opinion.
Letter 5 – On Names
Engtech, Jaybird, Wormwood, Dr. Entropy, AJ Valliant – why does only one guy use his real name? Or is that just some shitty fake name that sound like it could be a real name.
Engtech uses an alias for professional reasons, Jaybird to avoid tripping any red flags on sex offender bulletins, Dr. Entropic doesn’t deserve a real name, and W()rmwood likes to feel mysterious.
AJ (Allan Jason) Valliant is my shitty real name. I use it because I am not clever enough to come up with a pseudonym. All of the home address information I claim in my posts is accurate as well. Should random internet people show up at my door they can help themselves to some tea and mild alarm.
Letter 6 – On Monkeys With Tiny Slacks
I named my dog Pawtucket and am teaching him to choke cats.
Just thought you should know.
You were right to tell me Paulina.
That is the pile for this week. Keep it coming folks; our policy is “You mail it, we respond to it in a public fashion”. Should you want to ask us private question indicate so and we will put in the vault.We are jerks, but discrete jerks who respect the confidence of others. Not an actual vault, we just won’t tell anyone else about it.