Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me: Part 2 – The Scooby Gang

September 8, 2006

(For part three click here )

Cartoons that confused and Angered me, Part 2: The Scooby Gang

In order to explain my deep hatred for the mystery gang I must first lay bare some painful history. As a very young man I owned a half dozen dogs, one at time … for a combined total of about three months. Within weeks of coming into my possesion they would either:

  • A) Contract illness and die
  • B) Be killed in freak accident of some sort (Once in right in front of me)
  • C) Run away or be stolen
  • D) Be given away because I had to move some place where dogs were not allowed

After the sixth dog I accepted the universe would never allow me a canine friend; it cut me deeply. The only comfort I found was in the world of cartoons. Scooby doo was my dog, and I loved him. Now you know.


Fred: “Hey everybody, I just found a talking dog with severe mental problem; lets load up the van and drive around the back roads until we find monster mysteries to solve”.

Velma: Wow, that must be an exceptionally brave dog.

Fred: Quite the contrary, he has a severe anxiety disorder and a deep phobia of monsters.

Daphne: Wouldn’t it be incredibly cruel to force him into that life then?

Fred (smiling broadly) : Hells ya!

Daphne: Hey Shaggy is terrified of monsters, lets bring him too. Its will be even crueler!

Velma: Jinkies, that’s a great idea!

*all high five*

What a bunch of heroes.

They travel the world in their green sex offender van hoping to stumble upon “mysteries”, and crimes, the could then solve. And what kind of Mysterious crimes were they looking to solve: Missing children, serial raping sprees, sleeper terrorist cells? No, those aren’t important enough. They needed to channel all their energies into investigating patently fake monster sightings. Way to fill a need guys.

Those freaks would drive around the countryside for months, stopping in every backwater town to inquire about monster activity, Freddie getting angrier and angrier every day the search proved fruitless. Maybe he starts slapping everyone around a little, makes them engage in all sorts unnaturalacts to assuages his frustration and boredom. Eventually Velma and Daphne become so overwhelmed by Freds depredations that they buy in the crazy rambling of whatever half wit local they badger into talking about strange happenings.

Daphne: Hey bumpkin, you see anything weird going on around here?

Bumpkin: what?

Velma: Swamp creatures? Ghost miners? Glowing zombies?

Bumpkin: Uh, there’s feller what killed forty children holed up in the old mill. Said he’d be back tonight for the rest of them.

Fred: Are you deaf old man? She said a mystery!

Bumpkin: No she didn’t.

(Fred becomes enraged at being contradicted, and shakes the old man violently)

Bumpkin: Fine, fine. My pa used to talk about a squirrel the size of a man what could steal a fellers soul, lived down in the pine barrens. Mind, pa had an awful taste for the moonshine.

Fred: Let get on it team!

By some messed of trick of fate they would always run into some jackass that thought posing as a supernatural creature was the best way to drive down property values; seemingly validating there bizzare searching behaviour.

Once the “evil force” in question was located those cowardly bastards would suggest Scooby and Shaggy, in an obvious suicide mission, “Split up and check things out”. And god forbid Scooby should voice any concern for their well being; that’s when taunting and peer pressure started:

Daphne: Go flush it’s out Scooby, we’ll guard the van.

Velma: You big fraidy cat Scooby, it’s just a hideous flesh eating demon.

Scooby: Ro, R’m scared

Daphne: I hate you so much Scooby doo, I wish you were dead.

Scooby: (Whimpers and covers eyes)

Freddie: You get in there Scooby or I’ll cut your pretty face.

Shaggy: He’ll do it scoob,

Scooby::-Ro Reddie, Ron’t rut me

Yeah he’s fucking scared, he thinks he’s fighting a monster, that is fairly alarming to most people. Even if it’s not a real monster, someone crazy enough to dress up as a swamp creature in the hopes of swinging a land deal, is probably crazy enough to stab you in the neck for getting up in his business. The mystery gang didn’t care about that though, what’s one dogs safety compared to uncovering a small time real estate scheme that has nothing to do with them.

The few occasions where physical, and psychological, coercion failed, Freddie just pulled out the oldest pimp trick in the book: make your ho a junkie and control the supply. And what was in those scooby snacks? P….C….P. Old scoob was so cranked up and confused he would have fought the sky if he didn’t like the sunrise. The dosage was upped time and time again,until long term damage was done [1].

And god forbid one of Fred’s moronic, wholly implausible, traps should fail to capture the monster; well that must have been scoobies fault too. Here’s a tip Fred : If you want to drop a tarp on a monster, don’t rig up ten pulleys, a trampoline, two half manikins, and a trap door- just thross a tarp on it. Hell, if your going to be fighting monsters all the time anyways why don’t you carry around some weapons? If you can catch something in a net you can probably blow a hole through it with shotgun just as easy. I don’t know if he was that incompetent a monster hunter,simply enjoyed subjecting scooby to the extra danger, or some third psycho reason I can’t even fathom.

Once Scooby successfully risked his his life to bring some petty fraud to justice, the rest of the mystery gang would sweep in and lap up the credit like pack starving Siamese kittens. Freddy would preen and gloat, perhaps tossing scoobie a figurative or literal bone, then pack into the van went to start the horrid cycle all over.

Every day after school my heart was broken, and rageometer filled to the brim. I hated those people, and the world that containted them. I had to keep watching though, he was my dog.

—————————————————————————————————

[1] On the matter of Scrappy doo. While the show portrayed Scrappy as Scoobies “nephew”, who he had mysterious custody of, the truth was far darker. In a PCP induced psychotic break Scooby engaged in a amorous relationship with Velma.  The result of this union was a even more humanoid dog creature, capable of perfect speech, yet irreprable warped by Scoobies PCP laced dog sputum. His growth stunted early, his moods erratic and prone to hyper aggressive behaviour, and posses of delusion of grandeur as tragic as they were irritating.

This twisted freak was loathed by all, yet kept around as a morbid reminder that even the depravity of Mystery Gang must have boundaries.

Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me

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8 Responses to “Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me: Part 2 – The Scooby Gang”

  1. Tony s. Says:

    “Hey Shaggy is terrified of monsters, lets bring him too. Its will be even crueler!”

    So Basically everything they did to scooby they did Shaggy.
    Where is love and compasion for Norville “Shaggy” Roberts?

  2. NotMike Says:

    *ahem*

    Norville “Shaggy” Rogers

    Norville “Shaggy” Roberts is an alias AJ once used to ditch some clingy French chick in a Gatineau night club after ingesting enough mescaline to fell a bull rhinoceros.


  3. I remember that, I told her my Bluegrass Jam band was heading out on midwest tour and I would call her when I got back. Then I fought all those cops and wound up hiding in storm drain for three days.

  4. Mike Says:

    I have to take issue with Fred as well for imprinting the belief that the silly little hankerchief around his neck is an ascot. I don’t know how many times I’ve had the following conversation.

    Me: “I think I’m going to wear an ascot”

    Ignoramous: “Oh like that thing the guy from Scooby-Do wore”

    Me: “No..”

  5. Echo Says:

    So…what is a real ascot? I’ve never seen a real one….I’ll look it up…

  6. Anonymous Says:

    scooby s night with a frozen fright

  7. Stiletto Says:

    You’ve brought shame to my favorite childhood cartoon. The only cartoon I actually liked. Now — I hate them all!

  8. jAYDA Says:

    COOL SITE)lol mean)


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