September 21, 2006


I ate a whole box of frosted mini-wheats recently, and boy did it ever bring back memories.

As a result I’ve been aching to rekindle these memories a second time and hunt down some Life, or perhaps Golden Grahams, or simply even Special K.

But walking down the aisle of the local grocery store, I realized that cereal is now akin to sex toys: our unsatiable lust grows continually for infinite variations of these neon-coloured, absurdly shaped synthetic pellets; coated, infused and injected with sugar in at least ten different states of matter. We plunge these things into our gaping gullets over and over until we finally race off to work in a daze, or our mouths are raw and tender, or the thick leftover milk is so caustic it makes us gag.

Who on Earth could think that these new cereals even remotely look like food? Fluorescent lime green, sparkly purple and iridescent white-blue are usually reserved for neurotoxic plants and animals. Nonetheless, my cosmopolitan sweet-toothed libido is drawn to the very idea of cherry cheesecake pops and mud-pie rings in a box. I want to slather my homogenized milk all over them and spoon them into my mouth.

Sometimes I save my “special moves” for the weekend by soaking the sugar powder at the bottom, caressing it into a slick sauce of Trix and licking it clean like the dirty slut that I am.

I want to stop but my hand will compulsively dip into the sugary depths, hidden deep in the womb. I study every inch of the box, from its flaps to its fine print and I sniff at my fingers all day in eager excitement. I can’t stop licking my lips. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and ask myself ever so softly: Hey wanker, are you getting a real girfriend yet or what?


2 Responses to “Cereal”

  1. “mud-pie rings in a box”

    That is the second least appetizing thing I have ever heard of.

    ” I study every inch of the box, from its flaps to its fine print and I sniff at my fingers all day in eager excitement”

    That is the least appetizing thing I have ever heard of.

  2. thekenji Says:

    Ok, I’ll let slide the comment about mud-pie rings in a box- so maybe that’s not for everyone’s tastes.

    But imagining eating a cereal of me fawning over a cereal box and sniffing my fingers is way too elaborate and recursive for my taste even.

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