September 30, 2006

The only reason I enrolled in that second-year geography course was to measure the albedo of my ass. For those of you not in the know, albedo means the reflectivity of a surface. My ass has long been rumoured to be the most reflective surface on the planet, but until yesterday, one couldn’t be sure.

I started getting hints that my ass was unusually white when the planet started to warm up. You see, previously I had a flair for “indelicate dress.” Basically, I was pretty trampy. My ass cheeks were a common sight around town to anyone with a working pair of eyes. This was all going well until the neighbourhood got together and told me I had to put some “real” pants on or else they were going to collectively evict me to the run-down side of the Queensway – Bell Street North. I love that damn street, crackwhores and all, but for reasons of personal safety, it was in my best interests to keep renting on Bell South.

So I covered up and the next thing I knew, there was all this commotion in the news about global warming. People were freaking out, others were calling it a natural phenomenon; meanwhile my neighbours were keeping real quiet. They knew as well as I, that without my ass reflecting approximately 29% of the incoming solar radiation, that shit was gonna heat up real fast.

Fortunately, the neighbours did a good job of getting the greenhouse gas story picked up by the media, so most people still have no clue what’s really going on. I think they even built 12 new coal-fired power plants and 6 oil refineries, just to fuck with the scientific community. Then, they bribed me with their dirty profits to keep my mouth shut and my pants on.

A few years went by and it seemed like we were in the clear. I even brought my ass out again on special occasions. Of course, there were plenty of comments about the blinding glare that it cast, but I think people were into that shit, even as they complained about the “unusually cool” summer.

Then fall came and I enrolled in physical geography. Within a couple of weeks, I was holding in my hands a pyranometer, measuring the albedo around campus for a project. Having assured my team that I would return the instrument to the lab when we were done, I instead ran for the bushes. I dropped my pants, blinding a flock of geese on their way south. The incoming solar radiation read at 750 watts/square metre. Then I turned the sensor to face my ass.

The pyranometer laboured intensely. It took several moments before “953 watts/square meter” appeared on the screen. Damn! Not only was my ass reflecting 100% of the sun’s rays, but by some agency, it was producing its own energy!

Shortly thereafter, a visit was paid to the local oil baron. I have since come by a small fortune and have bought many a stylish pantaloon.


5 Responses to “Albedo”

  1. Mike Says:

    Al Gore is your patsy isn’t he?

  2. jaybird Says:

    Al Gore is her pasties, actually.

    It’s disconcerning to watch.

  3. Mike Says:

    I’m almost translucent can I join the ranks of the pasties?

  4. monkey Says:

    bravo … :} … *sings* bliiinded by the sun … :P

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