Letter Day: Five for fighting

October 2, 2006

Great minds will rise and fall but the tide of letters never cease. Withhold your madness oh Zeus, I shall do you postal bidding: It’s letter Day, and I bring Letters. Dr. Entropic has contracted Cirrhotic Hepatitis due his reckless sex with hobos, so I will be handling the letter page today.

What hockey teams do you guys cheer for? Leafs #1

As statistically improbably as it is, I’m pretty much the only serious sports fan here at Beats Entropy. While my coconspirators are bright, fun, cool as hell guys, they are not the most stereotypically macho types. I cheer, and have always cheered for, my beloved home town Ottawa Senators. Though they have broken my heart many times in the playoffs, I love them like a charismatic fuck up, substance addicted, younger brother; who’s life falls apart every 6-8 months.

I would cheer for the Leafs, but I have it on good authority that every player, coach, and fan of that team, are child murderers: in that they constantly murder children…toddlers mostly. While I can appreciate the tradition and hustle of their organization, I cannot advocate the murder of young children, nor those who engage in it.

Wow, Pluto’s not planet anymore. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

David Kehoe

I hear you Dave.

What the hell am I supposed to do with 8 planets?

I had big plans for Pluto. Imperial plans. Now if I go through with it I will have a secret base on a Kiper Belt object. Who the fuck cares about that? The U.N. will never cave to the ruler of a jumped up asteroid…ok the U.N. might, but that still doesn’t get me anywhere. Now If I was the Overlord of Planet Pluto, then I’d be getting some respect. I’m talking slave girls in metal bikinis and death ray respect. All of that is just a pipe dream now, my Planet has been semantically stolen, and my Overlordship turned to ashes.

Poor AJ, I think he deserves powers.

He should get at least one power.

Sarah Flowers

It’s funny you should mention that. Since I wrote this article, I actually have manifested one power. It’s not much, but it has numbed the pain a little. Get this: from a dead sleep I can now differentiate between the noises that my friend Tokoro San(Esmeralda’s roommate) makes when he just walking around, and the specific noise of him getting ready to leave. Since I need to do this to avoid being locked in their apartment, it has proved a very usefully capacity.

Dear Winner,


Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results of the First Category draws of SPONSOR LOTERIJ AMSTERDAM. We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is part of our promotional draws. The draws were held today the 2nd of October 2006

You/Your company E-mail id, attached to Ref number MLI/231-ILG10431/03 ,Batch Number EAPA/15/096/PTNL, Tiicket Number 20511465897, with Serial Number 472-971103 ,Drew the lucky numbers 8-66-97-22-71-64 and consequently won in the First Category A .

You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of $US 5,000,000. This is from the total prize money of USD$10,000,000 shared among the 4 Winners in this category.

Email: rodthompson444@netscape.net

Yes. Yes. YES.

Hear that fuckers, I’m rich. You all said I’d never make it, that I was a chump, but these random Dutch bastards understood my potential and saw fit to give me 5…count em five… million dollars. Now I don’t have to slave over a hot computer all day, painstakingly constructing attacks on beloved cartoon characters, and confabulating wild delusions. I can now return to my true love: painting up tiny ceramic cats to look like famous fascist dictators of the past. I have this Siamese Augustus Pinochet just about ready for glazing.

Also, I am going to start buying wildly over priced stuff, just so’s I can ask people “how much you think I paid for this” then laugh contemptuously when they guess low. I’ll be all like “This shaving cream cost me 500$” and they’ll be like “Wow, it must be good” and I’ll be like “I don’t even know, I just spray it in the garabage every morning “. Yeah, now I start living the high life.


That is it for our somewhat shallow letter bag today folks. Tomorrow we have the long awaited “Cartoons that confuse and anger me, Part 3: Future Shock” coming out, plus a few assorted treats later today. Keep you eyes to skies people, more powers may be forthcoming.


6 Responses to “Letter Day: Five for fighting”

  1. Mike Says:

    Ok the shaving cream comment was GOLD! Just for that I’m going to rally to Pluto’s defence as a planet so that your imperial plans my proceed unhindered.

  2. engtech Says:

    If we’re going to call Pluto an asteroid, it’s going to start acting like an asteroid.

    IE: exploding the Earth in a hot ball of molten flame.

  3. jaybird Says:

    Those dinosaurs were doing fine right up until their scientists started getting all uppity about what’s a planet and what isn’t.

  4. Dr. Entropic Says:

    I have the Flu you prick, not Hepatitis.

  5. Mike Says:

    “I have the Flu you prick, not Hepatitis.”

    Is that the line the hobo gave you?

  6. NotMike Says:

    Also, I am going to start buying wildly over priced stuff

    I find it exceedingly funny that you think you’re going to start paying too much for essentially useless items and services. I think maybe you should go into detail for your readership.

    What rate did you get for that gym membership? Oh yeah, the “chump rate”.

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