Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me: Part 3 – Future Shock

October 3, 2006

See Part 1: Care Bears, Hercules, and the Smurfs and Part 2: Scooby Doo.

Despite the assertions of my many doubters when I say I’m going to do something, I do it.

It it thus I present you with part 3, in the five part series, Cartoons that Confused and angered me.

I was never a big fan of the future; I’m dead there and all my clothes are out of style, but I didn’t have any specific antipathy until cartoons taught me that society will inevitably descend into hordes of moronic, gimmicky, ineffectual feebs, wholly undeserving of life. It is my hope we burn our planet out within my life time, so we can at least exit with a bit of style.

The evidence against the generations to come:

The Jetsons

I discovered “The Jetsons” surprisingly late in life. In their distopian vision of things to come pollution has forced the privileged few to move into cloud cities [1], abandoning the Morlock majority to fester in the industrial miasma beneath them, so that morons might survive to rule the Earth. Chief among these morons was the stupidest, laziest, least worthwhile excuse for a cartoon protagonist ever be spat from a cathode ray tube: George Jetson

Get this: Georges job, which he works three days a week/three hours a day, was to press one button, once; and he could do this correctly maybe fifty percent of the time. The dude even had the audacity to be frazzled and stressed over the demands of his obviously makework, retard, lefty government hand up assistance program, employment.On occasion, so profound was his incompetence, he would press the wrong button and massivly damage the sprocket factory. This would naturally upset his unfairly villianized boss Mr. Spacely, who was desperately trying to maintain the solvency of his family business in the face of increasing competitive intergalactic marketplace. Of course Mr. Spacely couldn’t fire him, since you can’t discriminate against the mentally handicapped, so old George gets to run the factory into the ground. Eventually his incompentece forced massive layoffs, driving his suddenly destitute co-workers to live on the bottom level, sucking smog and giving out nickel hand jobs just to get by.

At home Georges deeply flawed character is brought into even clearer resolution. His fine wife, obviously unsatisfied by his clumsy pawing, had to hustle just to get him through the day alive.

He is incapable of using the sidewalk outside their house (which should really have guard rails given the several mile fall), is unable to bathe and groom himself without being assaulted by the appliances, and regularly crashes his automated car. It’s pathetic.

In addition to his carelessness he is an absentee father who allows his daughter to dress like a whore, and his socially awkward son to be raised by their very creepy, and deeply confused, talking dog.

Even his one attempt to lighten the burden on his family smacked of mean spirited racist mentality. When buying a slav…er robot, he somehow managed to acquire the aunt Jemimah model, just so he can order around a “Darkie”, and feel a ugly superiorty to someone. This is especially disturbed seeing as their future world contains no Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, or visual minorities of any sort. I can only assume his inbred Klansman forefathers manage to trap all the less than lily white races below when they built their oppressive bourgeoisie sky nation.

Ghostbusters

For the purposes of the discussion at hand I am just going to primarly examine the time travel/futuristic elements of this disgrace to the “Ghostbuster” name. I don’t even need to mock this show anyways, just presenting the plot and characters, via a neutral description of the premise from wikipedia, is mockery enough.

Jake, Eddie and Tracey the Gorilla are the Ghostbusters. Their headquarters, termed Ghost Command, is located in a haunted mansion nustled between a number of tall skyscrapers. They are supported by a number of secondary characters including Ansa-Bone, a talking skull phone; Skelevision, a talking skeleton television; Belfrey, a pink talking bat; and Ghost Buggy, their talking ghost car. They occasionally enlist the aid of Futura, a time traveller from the future, and Jessica, a local newspaper reporter.”

Somewhere there is a unemployed premise checker with no idea of how his life went so terribly wrong.

In support of our original thesis let us first address the issue of “Futura”

Why would someone in the future, their present, name there daughter “Futura.” Was the name “Presentia” taken and they still wanted to label her something vaugely realted to a chronological point of reference? The only other possibility is, that in an act of brutally unoriginal foresight, they gave her the name on the off chance that she might eventually travel back into the past. Even George Jetson, the stupidest song of bitch ever, had the decency to name his daughter Judy (though the Elroy thing was kinda harsh).

This leads me to belive that the futher into the future we go, the lamer the people become. So lame was Futura’s present, she voluntarily chose to travel to past(where her name was still lame but at least made some damn sense) to hang out with two guys so pathetic they felt the need to skeletonize there phone and television, just to have a little meaning in their life.

Next we address the “Ghostbusters” means of time traveling: The ghost buggy.

To the best of my knowledge that car was never alive, so I don’t see how it could be a ghost. Seeing as their mute ape friend built it though,I will cut him some slack on the linguistic side of things.

The technical side however deserves stinging condemnation.

Allow me to provide you with a transcript of the discussion I had with them when I was a reporter for “Badly implausible road and track magazine”.

————————————————————-

AJ: Hey guys, that is a sweet ride. What kind of features does it have?

Jake: Oh man, it has it all: Flying, jet boat wheels, skull gear shift, time traveling.

AJ: Sounds tight. Say, I couldn’t help but notice you don’t have a roof or any restraint harnesses, doesn’t that make flying and time traveling fairly dangerous?

Jake: A little, yeah. The goddamn ape spent all our money on that sweet ghost decal.

AJ: Dang. Do you have any safety features at all?

Jake: Um… we have two manually operated horns to alert pedestrians.

Eddie: I wear a helmet at all times.

AJ: I have very little respect for you.

Jake: Our bat stop talking to us months ago.

Eddie: I cry into my hat so often it has salt stains.

C.O.P.S.

The last bit of damning evidence against our future citizens comes in the form of C.O.P.S (Central Organization of Police Specialists.), a tragic display of high concept middle management and bizarre misallocation of resources, in pursuit of public safety. God damn you future, god damn you to hell.

For those of you unfamiliar with the series:

special agent Baldwin P. “Bulletproof” Vess is brought in to deal with Empire cities organized crime problem. Two days on the job he gets shot by the criminal overlord Big Boss , and his torso is replaced by a cybernetic one. After recovering from the trauma he decides the best way to fight against organized crime is to forsake all existing agencies, personnel, and procedures, and start a new unit of 12-20 people. This unit would be composed of somewhat capable regular cops, with limited skills sets, and bizarre gimmicks. Oh, and while this unit was given guns, they are never allowed to actually shoot at anyone with them. Essentialy this team was pack of mall security guards with only sporadically useful, and incredibly expense, special equipment.

Let me give you a few examples of the menacing crew of elite law enforcers that were sent in to do the job that the entirety of Empire cities S.W.A.T ,Vice and Narcotic units, FBI, ATF, and in some case Secret Service agents, were incapable of addressing.

LongArm: Veteran beat cop that had a set of power cuffs he could launch and use as a grappling hook. This was actually a fairly useful, and relatively cost effective tool, that helped him perform his duties. I imagine the whole force would have benefited from having a similar powercuff, yet due to their strict “No horning in on another C.O.P.S gimmick” rule all of the R&D and production costs expended were dedicated to producing equipment for one guy.

————————————————

Bowser and Blitz: In one of the departments more bizarre expenditures they decided to invest millions developing a robotic dog, with all the capabilities of normal dog, and a siren. In a pointless nod to traditionalism they paired the ROBOT dog with the departments best dog trainer; I guess in case Blitz makes friends with a regular dog that needs training. The most disturbing aspect of this pairing is that Bowser (:Rex Pointer of the Chicago PD K-9 Unit) feels the need to wear the suit one uses to protect themselves from vicious dog attacks; suggesting he knows blitz could go off anytime and there is not god damn thing he can do about it.

Mace: While everyone else on the C.O.P.S team gets a tiny sidearm, that they are not allowed to use, this psycho carries a laser bazooka at all times, and uses it at the drop of hat. Can you imagine the affect on moral that sort of disparity would cause? How the hell do you slip the paper work for that through.

Mace: Hey Bowser asked me to pick up some new batteries for his dogs siren, and uh, could I get a Laser Bazooka while I’m here.

Clerk: Yeah Ok, just don’t tell Bulletproof.

Mace: What do you care he’s FBI, he has no authority over state police. Fucking nutjob.

Mirage: Mirage is the teams “Spy”, or what every other police force refers to as “an undercover” officer. Their entire covert division is one chick. What happens if they need to plant a guy somewhere, or god forbid they have two undercover operations at once? Well that’s just too fucking bad, send in the guy with the laser bazooka. You’d figure after a while Big Bosses crew, as slow as they were, would figure out that every time they hang out with that skinny black chick somebody gets arrested.

Understandably the team proved grossly ineffective. Yes they were able to thwart the occasional absurdly flashy crime: attempted bridge theft, blimp jacking, ice burg heists, but even then their unconventional methods resulted criminals being kicked lose due to innumerable procedural errors. They must have arrested Berserkoforty times, and I don’t think he ever missed a day of work. Meanwhile the regular police were so strapped for manpower, equipment, and discretionary funds, that less colorful criminals like rapists, domestic assaulters, and crack head robbers, did their business with impunity. As long as you could avoid any sort of gimmick or motif, and kept your crimes bland, you were essentially immune to police interference. In their defense the cops did manage to bring in grave threats to public safety The Bugman and Gaylord. Welcome to the future.

Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me

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3 Responses to “Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me: Part 3 – Future Shock”

  1. jaybird Says:

    I’m dead there and all my clothes are out of style

    Does that mean they’re in style in the present?

  2. Mike Says:

    I can’t believe that you didn’t mention Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future! Though it wasn’t animated there was a certain degree of animation on the part of the flying terror-dactyl or whatever the hell he was supposed to be. That show had me completely duped into thinking I could use my remote control to battle evil. Even when I borrowed my friends Captain Power sanctioned XT-7 plane I fared no better. (actually we always won even if we didn’t actually try) Bah! A pox on the House of Mattel!

  3. Sally Says:

    Hello! I’m spending my break in the beats entropy archive!


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