A Private aside with my Dear Friend: Kim Jong Il

October 10, 2006

(This message is meant for the Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il. Should some other North Korean, or one of my shifty Gweilo brethren, stumble upon this I would ask you respect the sensitive nature of the corospondance and stop reading immediately.)

Kim, you know I’m not the sort to tell others how to run their business, but this shit is getting heavy son… real heavy. Yeah we had a laugh when you told Australia you’d turn the sky to fire, and that time we got a goat drunk and let it loose in the DMZ, but you can’t be setting off Nukes… no matter how funny it is.

Even China is freaked… fucking China! I’ve seen China choke a baby in each hand while putting the boots to Tibet, and they think you’ve lost it. And just between us have you seen the look in Japans eyes lately? I suggest you look past the Tamigotchis and pick up a history book… those nigga’s are crazy, ask China they’ll tell you. Sixty years of pacifism has just has made their warrior spirit all jailhouse crazy… it’s been sharpening shanks and dreaming of the outside for a long time and you about to grant it parole.

Baby, this ain’t you. Where’s is the smooth talking playboy that used to tear up the wig district with me? We were going to be big shot movie producers together… how we gonna do that if the worlds on fire? Riddle me that playah. Fast cars and bitches, that was the deal. Why you gotta get all Nuclear ambitious? Let me tell you something, bitches hate Armageddon; you might as well glue their panties on… and it’s not like you so fine you can be leaving chips on the table.

What’s this really all about anyways? No matter how big your Sunglasses get I can still see the pain in those eyes… it’s because Bush called you evil isn’t? I know that had to hurt, it was cold ass thing to say, but you can’t go destroying civilization every time someone hurts your feelings. And this desperate insistence on bilateral talks… I hate to say it, but it’s coming across a little needy and gay. Seriously, fuck those guys, lets build a laser on the moon or something. Get real old school super villian; something with some class and style to it. This cold war shit is played out.

Anyways, you do what you gotta do, but keep in mind what I just layed down. We go back a long way son, and you don’t want me on your bad side.

Peace out,

AJ Valliant

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One Response to “A Private aside with my Dear Friend: Kim Jong Il”


  1. hahahahahaha
    if only this was the way things were done


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