In the thrall of ham

October 13, 2006

In an act of culinary hubris I bought a 12 lbs ham for thanksgiving. I did this though I have fewer than twelve friends, and more than half of them are vegetarian. I don’t know if it was the sheen of the glaze, or the heft of the meat, but that honey smoked temptress enticed me like no food product ever had. As expected my damn hippy friends barely put a dent in it. At best a couple lbs were consumed; enough to maim, but not destroy it.

I spent the next few day trying to consume it: sandwiches, soup, pasta, hollowed out round parts to eat cereal from, but there is only so much one man can do. My fridge smells like ham, my pee smells like ham, my dreams smell like ham; pigs are glaring at me when I pass them in the street. I can’t live like this.

I would throw it out but I was taught not to waste food and the fucker won’t go bad. I left it out on the counter for six hours and when I returned it was teaching my cat to use my bankcard — I suspect to buy more hams. When I sleep at night I can here this mushy scratching at my door; it’s trying to get in and tell me secrets, secrets no man should know.

God, why didn’t I listen to the Jews? They are a very clever people. I suppose I only know one, and he eats ham. Why don’t I know better Jews? What’s ham natural predator… wolves? Larger more ruthless hams? Maybe I should move in the middle of the night and hope it doesn’t follow me. No, if I cut and run the terrorists win; I’m going to have to stick and it out and hope the situation improves for no reason. If you get a moment pray for me; prey for AJ.

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6 Responses to “In the thrall of ham”

  1. Mike Says:

    “What’s ham natural predator… wolves? Larger more ruthless hams?”

    Hehehehehehe yes, larger more ruthless hams.

  2. Evan E. Says:

    Very nice. I have only just started reading your work and am already impressed; indeed, I laughed heartily.

    Your creative humor deserves high praise; unfortunately, I lack the necessary vocabulary (and desire to make nonsensical ‘hoowoo’s and such) to do so… sorry.


  3. “Very nice. I have only just started reading your work and am already impressed; indeed,”

    Much appreciated.
    Just to warn you, there is some strange damn shit on this site.

  4. max Says:

    It is March. Did you kill it?


  5. I would like to some accommodation was reached, but at best we exist in a uneasy state of detentes. We were making progress towards a settlement but it kept adding itself to my answering machine message and leaving bitchy notes on the fridge…which it claimed were “reminders” not criticism. Truly pork is the most duplicitous of all meats.

  6. max Says:

    That is what happens when you play with your food. Don’t you learn that the hard way —

    Oh. Wait. Too late.


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