Ruler of the world?

October 17, 2006


I have been assured, by a secretive but immensely powerful cabal of men with whom I play croquet that the complete autocratic rulership of the known world is mine for the taking, should I chose to accept it. Were I to agree today, tomorrow a massive bloodless coup would peacefuly dissolve every world government and install me as the benevolent leader for life over all mankind. A weighty decision lies ahead.

It should be said from the outset that I have only a passing acquaintance with ambition, and a general indifference to the lives of strangers, so this isn’t as big a deal to me as would be to a more motivated sort. Additionally, I have a realistic enough understanding of my own aptitudes, judgement, and sporadic pettiness, that I can readily intuit the widespread tragedy and chaos my rulership would precipitate. Still they were nice enough to offer, and It’s is a pretty unique opportunity, so I will do my due diligence and suss out the Pros and Cons.


  • If I refuse secret cabal may become so dispirited they no longer want to play croquet; and I really enjoy a nice game of croquet.
  • Awesome business cards.
  • Sure hit with the ladies.
  • A spectacular ceremonial hat, fancy enough to make the popes look like a badly folded Denny’s napkin.
  • Myself, and my retinue, would fly about on giant bees disrupting sporting events and swarming church picnics.
  • At the completion of the new national anthem you would have to slug the person to your left in stomach, as hard you could (and of course be slugged in the stomach by the person on your right).
  • I would be able to try and execute the Toronto Maple Leafs as war criminals.
  • Prove wrong the high school guidance counsellor who said I would never hold sway over the Mongolian highlands.
  • Prove wrong Mongolian highlanders who said I would never show up my high school guidance counsellor.
  • Have control over a Lever that could hurl Earth out of it’s orbit, and send it spiralling it into the sun. Would then use threat of Lever to win meaningless arguments with my friends.
    • AJ: Shotgun!

      Tony s.: You sat in front last time AJ, it’s David’s turn.

      AJ: Ok, that cool. I guess I’ll just pull this level and send us hurtling towards the sun :(

      Tony s.: Fine you prick, you can sit in the front.

      AJ: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  • The many delicious sandwiches I would have at my disposal.
  • All money will have a picture of the Baby Stomping Statue on it, along with motto: “AJLand: It could be worse.”

Hmm, this is sounding like a surprisingly sweet deal.Let’s take a look at the Cons before I make any decisions though.


  • If I get fired other employment will prove difficult to come as I will be overqualified for any other job. I will likely wind up a pathetic greeter at casino; wandering around so tourist can get the picture taken with the former Leader of the Earth putting them in a headlock.
  • Constant assassination attempts will prove bruising to self esteem.
  • Massive administrative workload would eventually lead to my shameful illiteracy being uncovered.
  • Flooding and havoc caused by destruction of smug, taunting Moon would result in poor sales for my memoir: “How I got Even with the Moon: A Life of Verse and Darkness”.
  • Have to deal with the Middle East, and to be honest those guys are a little touchy.
  • Would be expected to pick up tab if whole World went out to dinner somewhere.
  • Turkmenistan always orders Lobster.
  • Goddamn paparazzi.
  • Eventually have to make war against ruler of Jupiter after one too many “Your mother planet is so small” jokes. Jupitonians would almost certainly win war and take opportunity to construct replacement Moon just to rile me.

Hmmm, it’s seem there is some what of downside as well. Also suppose I do get some ambition. Where can you go once you already rule the entire world? I think it’s best if I just stay the course and fly below the radar. The Secret Cabal will be hurt, but they are great guys and will understand once I give my reasons.


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