letter day 8: Oucho Grande

October 30, 2006


I haven’t slept proper since my cat was small; I think I shan’t sleep for the rest of the fall. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, I present you with the most magnifent of wild internet beasts: Letter Day.

Let’s get it on.


Letter 1: Popularity

Your site must be incredibly popular; how do you guys divvy up the riches?

Sal Pemberton, Gallotown NY

Good question Sal, now that we are pulling in the big money (and I’m talking successful hotdog cart money) and serious fringe benefits, there have been some distribution concerns. Here is the formula we worked to keep everything copasetic:

The Groupies/naked pictures/invitations to cyber sexin/lonely housewife Correspondence

  • The groupies and pictures go to our swinging bachelor “The Kenji“, in the hopes it will dampen his insatiable libido enough that he stops emailing us videos of him engaging in oiled up, naked, popping and locking.
  • The depressing cyber-sexin/correspondence go to Dr. Entropic, who is trapped in a loveless marriage, beyond any hope of repair.

The Hotdog Vendor Riches

  • Jaybird and Engtech use these to maintain the vast staff of researchers, web developers, photographers, and snuff pornographers it takes to keep this site going.

The Largely Unjustified Sense of Acclaim and Superiority

  • That goes straight in ravenous maw of my validation furnace.

Moral Certitude and Lefty Philosopher Cred

  • Wormwood is entitled to it, but I only have a limited understanding of what unsavory purpose he puts it to.

Letter 2: Screenplay

I just watched Van Helsing and it sucked so bad I beat my cat.

They spent 230 million dollars on it and nobody thought to hire a writer. You don’t suck as writer. Why don’t you write a movie that doesn’t suck so much?

Duke Wurlitzer

Yeah, I used to think that as well… then I tried to write a movie. Turns out it is pretty damn hard. It’s was just a short film, and their was no studio pressure or focus groups to deal with, and it still turned out fairly listless and generic.

All of my initial innovative ambition ran up against things like: time constraints making character and plot development difficult, creating dialogue and situations that were manageable given the actors and resources at hand, and keeping things well paced and interesting without losing narrative cohesion.

The end product had some half decent dialogue, but almost no plot, and nothing to separate it from a million other bad student scripts.

(The long ass script of the aborted film project http://docs.google.com/View?docid=dchcf37c_34c5xkzd)

Now imagine all those difficulties, plus a thousand assholes butchering your script, forcing you to pander endlessly, and generally breaking your will to create, and you can understand why a well written movie is exceedingly rare.

Letter 3: Cowboys and Indians

What the fuck is with all the cowboy shit lately?

A western themed blog; way to tap into the pulse of a generation. Jackass.


That’s fair, I guess.

To be honest it’s (aformention cowboy shit)  just really fun to write, and I take perverse pleasure in alienating my limited audience.

Letter 4: Musical Taste

I’m trying to broaden my Musical Horizons, what’s cool song I might not have heard.


I’ve always dug this song, and it’s not super well known these days.

Letter 5: Dear Abby

Dude, I just got my heart ripped out in the most fucked up way possible.

I know you will probably just joke about this, but I would appreciate some advice.

Ragged in Texas.

Accept the pain, and let go of the situation.

One of the only sureties in life is that we will all suffer, and given time, we will adapt.

The only thing we can control is how cleanly the wound heals, and how proudly we wear our scars.

Letter 6: Transients

Hey, you guy ever see that Episode of the Andy Griffith show where Barney Fife kills that drifter and makes Opie help him hide the body? Well I seen in the DVD commentary of the show that Don Knotts insisted he be allowed to shoot a real transisent, that was already dying of tubereculosis, to add visceral punch to the episode. Ron Howard said he still wakes screaming, the stench of infected piss and blood and beard stinging his nose.

Ruth Rutherford

That was business as usually back in the 40’s and 50’s Ruth.

There was Hollywood saying at the time “A hobo’s cheaper than a squib; and a midget got no parents to sue ya.” John Wayne used to smother a Mexican day laborer before each scene, just to get his blood flowing.


Wow, that was strange damn letter day.

Oh well, keep tuned for some top notch stuff this week; sleazy, god fearing, jumped up, internet stuff.


3 Responses to “letter day 8: Oucho Grande”

  1. Hello. It a little surreal to think of some stumbling into letter day without a degree of pre conditioning to Beats Entropy. It must seem very random, and borderline deranged.

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