AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks: The Nations of the World, Japan and such

November 15, 2006

In the previous editon we ran down Canada, Germany, and North Korea; it was pretty awesome, but left the job far from done. Here’s round two: Japan, Iraq, and Switzerland.

The Process:

The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria I have chosen, producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them. Note: this is the assessment of the Country as gestalt entity, and not necessarily a reflection of the individuals that make up that country.

The categories break down as such (The higher the score, the more favourable the review)

Style

  • 0 to10 points
  • How much style, panache, edginess, and distinct character that nation has.

What have they ever done for me or against me

  • 0 to 10 points
  • What has the country as whole ever done for/against me, AJ Valliant.

Flag

  • 0 to10 points
  • How cool/decent vs pathetic/boring is their flag.

Non Jerk Factor

  • 0 to10 points
  • Does the nation, in both international affairs and aggregate citizen’s behaviour, comport itself as a stand-up country or jerkass nation.

General livability

  • 0 to 10 points
  • How pleasant it is to actually live in said country.

Wildcard

  • -10 to +10 points
  • Potential bonus/minus points for whatever the hell I chose.

Lets get down to business.

JAPAN

Style 10

Like a bubble gum pop samurai epic written by William Gibson, Japan has so much style it can burn out your retinas if you stare directly at it. I find myself strangely captivated by their surrealist interpretation of American pop culture, woven into a framework of Eastern obligation and inscrutability.

The end result is this lithe, subtle, crass, cacophony of light and sounds and progress that I can only really discern the edges of. The Japanese are strange sons of bitches, but intriguing none the less.

What have they ever done for me or against me 7

Oh Japan, what haven’t you done for me? Created many of the martial arts, both mythos and movement, that I dearly love. You gave us Ninjas and Nintendo, and both together…a most fortunate convergence. Tiny electronics, tentacle porn, and cartoons as legitimate artistic medium.

You lose points, however, for trying to kill my grandfather back in the day. Also, I suspect you secretly think me uncouth and distasteful, and I will bear no man’s condescension without affront.

Flag 7 (6)

A nice spare, reasonably compelling flag. Has a minimalist charm, solid color scheme, and represents the rising sun…which they are the land of. (That is a pretty bold claim when you think about it: the Sun lives in Japan, and only wanders contemptuously about the rest of the world. I’m knocking a point off their flag score for being so cocky.)

Non Jerk Factor 6

See, this one is tough since Japans was a huge Jerk for a long, long, time. For the first few thousand years of their existence they were this petty, contentious, mean little bastard, that would put a beating on China (or anyone else) just to pass the time. Thing is, about sixty years back, they had a atomically-assisted moral awakening that completely changed their nations demeanor.

I see it like this:

Japans was that badass guy in high school that used to always fight behind the bowling alley at lunch. After years of pounding everyone one out he graduated, started running with a bad crowd (Germany, Italy), and getting into some real trouble. Then one day this huge bar fight started, Japan noticed this big, weird, quiet guy in the corner counting his change, and decided to sucker punched him. Turns out the quiet guy was crazy as shit, beat down Japan, then while on top Stabs Japan in the eyes a 114 times with a screw driver.

Essential the realization that the white devils were out of their mind, and really good at slaughter on massive scale, scared Japan straight. Unlike Germany, who merely hide their evil, I believe Japan has actually matured into a nation of outstanding character and decency. I still have to knock them down for their long history of Jerkiness, but they are in the top five of “Stand up Nationhood” in a contemporary sense.

General livability 7

What’s your Poison? Tea Ceremonies; all good. Vaguely pedophilic school girl panty vending machines; done and done. Massive cutting edge arcades; hells yeah. Fruity ass J-Pop bands and Yakuza karaoke; Japan has got your back. Solid civil right, decent weather, and a soul breakingly rigorous education system, combine to put Japan amongst the world’s elite.

On the downside living space is at a premium, there are regular earthquakes, 12+ hour work days, and a rather high cost of living. Also, crazy ass North Korea launch missiles overhead occasionally.

Wildcard +3

Katannas, Shirukens, Sais, Nunchaku, Naginata; Japans has the coolest melee weapons of any culture.

End Score and Assesment: 39

The early to mid 20th century went poorly for Japan, but they dug deep, gave a 110%, and managed pull out a win in the second half. Cool country, neat people, freaky as hell. We down Japan, but you honestly scare me a little.

IRAQ

Style 2

Life in Iraq is more about survivin’, than stylin’. The people have been under one boot heel, or another, for so long the national culture is more “battered spouse syndrome” that “baroque”. Still, they throw a pretty happening street riot/flag burn/solider drag on occasion; and I hear the rubble in Haditha looks lovely by the moonlight.

What have they ever done for me or against me 6

Aside from spawning countless hours of sensationalistic news, Iraq has never done anything against me or mine. On the plus side of the ledger: they were the cradle of civilization, and helped facilitate our progression towards a stable agrarian culture. That sort of thing deserve a little street cred in my part of town.

Flag 5

It’s an all right, if fairly generic, flag. They decided to go with the standard three bars and a few stars motif. The Arabic script spices things up enough to make it a little distinct.

Non Jerk Factor 3

As Iraq has essentialy been conquered territory since 1258 (Mongols first, then the Ottoman empire, Britain, Britain again, then soviet lackeys, brief period of autonomy from 68-03, currently conquered and occupied by U.S. of A) it’s hard to judge their historical jerkiness. During the brief window of freedom, though, they did make constant war on their neighbors, abuse their citizens, and flaunt a mustache culture I personally find unacceptable.

General livability 1

Today’s weather forecast : heavy shrapnel, with a 60% chance of kidnapping.

On the bright side a recent drop in real estate prices make for a solid renters market.

Wildcard 5

Will likely keep the U.S. army too busy to turn their greedy eyes northwards for a very long time.

End Score and Assement: 16

I want to stress this rather low is score is product of a corrupt goverments, and a continual international screw job by everyone, and anyone, who manged to wrap their grubby paws around Iraq. This was the first “civilized” culture on the planet, and I hope in time they can build on the promising beginning that has been sidetracked for the past 800 or so years.

SWITZERLAND

Style 5

Retard hats and vests aside, the Swiss are a fairly interesting, if despicably cowardly, people. The have direct democracy, bizarre pockets of semi autonomous cantons (one of which, “Appenzell Innerrhoden”, didn’t allow women to vote until 1990), four official languages, and a long history of being total pussies. In addition to cringing and hiding, their Alpine location allow them engage is various winter sports, hiking, and provide inspiration from the many draft dodging artists who flee there during times of conflict

What have they ever done for me or against me 5

Unsurprisingly: not a goddamn thing either way.

Flag 7

Probably the coolest thing about them, the Swiss flag has the deceptive appearance of a crusaders shield. It’s looks like something that could ward off a vampire, and possibly, in times of great need, fire an energy beam of some sort.

Non Jerk Factor: A most shameful 10.

Well, since they are totally neutral, and give their people immense freedom and self direction, I am forced to give them a ten here.

Now lets examine their “neutrality”.

Get this, they started being neutral after they got conquered, and occupied… by France! That is the saddest fucking thing I have ever heard. In terms of humiliation, this on par with getting you ass whipped by your retarded little sister… at your high school prom. Switzerland should have dispersed their citizenry right then and there, and denied the country had ever existed; instead they decided that if you can’t beat France, you can’t beat anyone, and swore to never have war again.

General livability 8

Switzerland is actual a pretty ideal place to live: scenic, great economy, cultural diversity, lots of holocaust gold you can melt down and fashion into blinders to avoid feeling any moral responsibility for your fellow man; generally a high standard of life.

On the downside, avalanches and isolation prove troublesome in the winter months.

Wildcard -3

Have you ever been out on the town and one your buddies drinks a little too much, maybe starts talking a little shit, and a brawl breaks out? Well when that happens there is always one guy in the group who hangs back and lets everyone else take care of business, because he didn’t feel like it was his fight. That’s the kind of weasely pussy that would sell anyone out for his own benefit, and feel totally justified in doing so, as he’s very adept at justifying his own selfish weakness as enlightened behavior.

Switzerland is a great country, but I’d never go drinking with them, and I certainly wouldn’t be their friend.

End Score and assesment 32

Fucking pussies.

OTHER RANKINGS

FUNDAMENTALIST COUNTRIES

NORTH KOREA, CANADA, GERMANY

NATIONS THAT BROKE MY HEART

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9 Responses to “AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks: The Nations of the World, Japan and such”

  1. jive Says:

    So Japan looses points for kicking the crap out of their neighbors in the 30’s and 40’s and the Swiss loose points for never having kicked anyone’s ass ever. There’s just no pleasing some people.


  2. It’s a very arcane rating system, with many subtle modifiers, and hidden variables. The calculations alone take a team of three mathmaticians, and a supercomputer, the better part of a lunch hour.

  3. jaybird Says:

    Does this means France gets a higher rating?


  4. “Does this means France gets a higher rating? ”

    I wouldn’t sully my supercomputer with the attempt.


  5. ahahaha
    i’m really liking this series, AJ

  6. jive Says:

    Though I may not understand the rating system itself there is no denying the entertainment value of the results.

  7. sungame Says:

    I think I do understand the rating system, and happen to find it quite amusing as well. Keep up the good work!

    Even though I realize that this will probably knock down both my “what have I ever done for you or against you” and my “non jerk”-factors, as an avid keyboard martial artist I just have to point out that the sword is normally spelled “katana”. Also, the japanese throwing star, apart from being spelled “shuriken” is not technically a melee weapon but more of a missile weapon.


  8. “Even though I realize that this will probably knock down both my “what have I ever done for you or against you” and my “non jerk”-factors”
    Oddly it also somehow lowered your “Flag” rating. A sad day all around.

  9. sungame Says:

    Huh. And I wasn’t even aware that I had a flag. A sad day indeed…


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