Non-Consensual Assisted Parkour

November 28, 2006

It’s the latest viral trend to jump up and capture the urban hipster community. From Prague to Lima, from New York City to Moscow, non-consensual assisted parkour is the latest and greatest in underground fads.

Based on the already overexposed and stylistically stale parkour craze, non-consensual assisted parkour is an edgy new pastime that combines traditional urban callisthenics with a new postmodern approach to voluntarism and participation. Where as traditional parkour participants transformed their mundane urban contexts into fantastical landscapes through fast paced gymnastics, non-consensual assisted parkour pushes the boundaries by implicating otherwise passive observers.

For the non-consensual assisted parkourer, not only do inanimate objects of the urban landscape become transformed into their playground, but so too do their fellow citizens. These brave new cultural explorers test the bounds of their art form by propelling not themselves, but hapless others.

While, like its predecessor, this cutting edge activity defies any real categorizations, certain ‘moves’ have become standardized.

For example, though there is no formal training for non-consensual assisted parkour, most beginners start with some of the simpler moves like the staircase and cell phone downwards dance, the surprise bicycle brake cut, and the ever popular muttering person bus hug.

For the more advanced practitioner, more creative individualized techniques have been developed including the jump out the window or I’ll shoot you move, the see how fast you go with a hornets’ nest stapled to your cheap suite maneuver, and the legendary I slipped 8 grams of meth-amphetamines into my pastor’s coffee gambit.

Of course, as with parkour before it, non-consensual assisted parkour has its detractors. Some call it simple tomfollery, and others have compared it to a juvenile anti-socialism that ranges from shoving to bedlam. But notwithstanding these social conservatives and trend-phobic naysayers, it would appear that non-consensual assisted parkour is hip, trendy, and despite being devoid of any real purpose, here to stay.


9 Responses to “Non-Consensual Assisted Parkour”

  1. I’m a big fan of the “Riding a nursing mothers through a crowded coffee shop” move.

  2. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    Ah, Wormwood, I’d hoped you would write this !

  3. jive Says:

    The post is indeed brilliant but Esmerelda Sconeflinger’s name alone has totally upstaged it. Sorry w0rmwood but as funny as pushing people down stairs is someone named Esmerelda flinging scones is hilarious.

  4. engtech Says:

    She calls them scones, but they’re really poop.

  5. jaybird Says:

    Organic: where the secret incredient is poop.

  6. Louis Says:

    >> Organic: where the secret incredient is poop.

    also known as BLACK GOLD among farmers.

  7. Sabre Tooth Says:

    Brilliantly written!

  8. darren Says:

    we are pitching for a commercial to be shot in johannesburg in june & are looking for parkour artists.
    could you help?

    regards & thanks
    +2782 455 0512

  9. Jussyhony Says:

    Would you like more of my definite look Do you want a joke? :) What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.

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