AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks: The Nations of the World, Fundamentals

November 30, 2006

The first two rankings

Japan and such

Germany and crew

NATIONS THAT BROKE MY HEART


 

 

Don’t get too close to the stove kids, poppa’s cooking some hot soup that might just burn this mother down. For this weeks Arbitrary ranking I decided to go with somewhat of a theme pack : Countries dominated by fundamentalist religious regimes. Should anyone from one of these beautiful religions of peace feel the need to explode me, I would ask that you show some restraint and simply gun me down in the street, to minimize collateral damage.

 

Just so there’s no mistakes this is me posing shamelessly in a wedding dress :

wedding-dress.jpg

I walk down Albert Street , between Bay and Bank, a lot so you can probably clip me there if you are patient. I’m usually not wearing the dress so don’t let that throw you off.

Enough diplomacy, lets get down to business.

 

 

The Process:

The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria I have chosen, producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them. Note: this is the assessment of the Country as gestalt entity, and not necessarily a reflection of the individuals that make up that country.

The categories break down as such (The higher the score, the more favourable the review)

 

Style

• 0 to10 points

• How much style, panache, edginess, and distinct character that nation has.

What have they ever done for me or against me

• 0 to 10 points

• What has the country as whole ever done for/against me, AJ Valliant.

Flag

• 0 to10 points

• How cool/decent vs pathetic/boring is their flag.

Non Jerk Factor

• 0 to10 points

• Does the nation, in both international affairs and aggregate citizen’s behaviour, comport itself as a stand-up country or jerkass nation.

General liveability

• 0 to 10 points

• How pleasant it is to actually live in said country.

Wildcard

• -10 to +10 points

• Potential bonus/minus points for whatever the hell I chose.

 

 

Saudi Arabia

Style : 0

Is angry and repressed a style? If so Saudi Arabia is absolutely drowning in it.

Under threat of imprisonment, torture, and execution, the following things are against the law: Theatres, extra marital sex, alcohol, music, remotely immodest clothing, laughing, eating pork, being a Jew, making eye contact with birds, free expression, and plinko.

What Saudi Arabia lacks in fun they make up for in police mandated prayer, austerity, and making sure that no one else every has any fun either. What a shitty country.

 

 

What have they ever done for me or against me : 5

Neither of either really. I only ever knew one Saudi fellow, and while quite creepy, he was reasonable pleasent towards me.

 

 

Flag: 5

They have an all right flag. A little overwhelmingly green, but the single sword and script motif has nice low key aesthetic appeal. There should really be a gusher of money and oil somewhere though, maybe the script implies as much through narrative means.

 

 

Non Jerk Factor : 0

I am honestly surprised they’ve not yet installed a evil wizard to run their kingdom of darkness and woe. To save space I will just list the people that are not currently oppressed: Straight Male Sunni Muslims that dislike sex and support the monarchy. If you’re outside of that narrow group you are going to have rough time of it.

 

In addition to their internally assholery their major non petroleum export is their charming mad dog interpretation of Islam, Wahhabism. Thanks to their ideological generosity generations of potentially very cool people have grown up very pissed off and intolerant; possibly setting the stage for world war III.

 

 

General liveability : 1

No music, no premarital sex, no movies, no non religious books, no personal expression, no political representation, ninety eight percent of the country is giant fucking desert, and you can’t get drunk or high to take your mind off things.

 

The coastal region is actually quite beautiful.

 

 

Wildcard : –10

You outlawed dirty sex and booze,
Saudi Arabia, how did you think this was going to go?

 

 

Total score and assessment : 1

The lowest ranking I have ever given a country,and just between you and me I don’t think anyone taking will be the crown any time soon. Proof, I suppose, that money can’t buy happiness…or decency…or a nice pulled pork sandwich in downtown Riyadh. It can however buy the west turning a blind eye to human rights abuses, and two terms as president.

————————————————————

 

Utah :

Style: 6

The Mormo…er people from Utah, or Utahopians, are a pretty interesting case study. On the surface they seem like genial, blandly restrained, Midwesterners who inexplicably chose to move to the blasted salt flats quite some time ago. When you scratch the surface though, there is a creepy, cultly, and all together more compelling, good natured derangement that warrants deeper analysis.

 

Imagine if David Koresh, in addition to being bat shit crazy, was also a genuinely decent, generous, down to Earth guy; and had founded a nation that reflected these qualities. Utahopians are sort of lame and repressed, but they also speak in tongues, believe they are a lost tribe of Israel, and venerate the clearly insane Joseph Smith as a prophet. That sort of wackiness get you serious bonus points.

 

 

What have they ever done for me or against me : 6

Never done a thing against me, plus I’m a pretty big Utah Jazz fan. Also it’s gives me a North American retreat should I decide I need to broaden my wife portfolio.

 

Flag 8


Utah has a surprisingly awesome flag. There is something about an Eagle crouched over a beehive surrounded by clouds, with it’s talons full of arrows, that connects with me on visceral level.

 

Non Jerk Factor : 7

Utah is a weird mix of creepy lameness, and genuinely warm, friendly, accommodating people. Very few things (except booze and gambling and strippers) are official legislated against, but the LDS pulls so many string behind the scenes a repressive internal culture exerts a sizable influence. Being a land locked nation with limited military forces they haven’t lashed out at anyone since the Mountain Meadows Massacre back 1857.

General liveability 5

Like Saudi Arabia ultra mild, with religious police run by that quirky aunt that gives everyone handmade presents and backhanded compliments. 80% of the area is uninhabitable wasteland, polyamorous marriages are derigeur, Music and alcohol are largely banned, and horsemen ride through the streets at night capturing unattended children to use in dark Mormon ceremonies.

On the plus side: people are very friendly and hardworking, the non wasteland areas are beautiful and make for great skiing, and the hippies are largely contained to a few tightly guarded containment centres. The Sundance film festival is also held here, but I’m not sure in which direction that influences the score.

 

Wildcard : -3

They lose points for the underhanded, corruption spewing, deeply hypocritical actions undertaken during their bid for the 2002 winter Olympics

.

 

Total score and assessment: 29

Utah is not cool, and they consort with dark forces, but I’m pretty sure if I asked they would bake me pie and be sad if I didn’t enjoy it.

————————————————————

 

 

Israel

 

Style : 9


Israel is the James Bond (David Craig version) of the nations of the world. Cold blooded, ruthless, absurdly capable, indifferent to anything outside it’s mission, and licensed to kill. Surrounded by enemies, plagued by internal conflict, they still terraformed the desert, created a first world standard of living, and somehow managed to make the U.S. their complete and utter bitch.

Love or hate them they run shit tight, and might as well have “Don’t fuck with Israel” printed on their money.

 

 

What have they ever done for me or against me : 4

I don’t know how many hours of my life have been wasted listening to neo con pricks canonize them; and feckless, pussy liberals condemn them as the source of all the suffering in the world.

 

 

Flag : 7

Nice icy color scheme, with magical looking star of David on it. I personally think it would be cooler with a glaring eye in the centre, but my suggestions to that extent have been largely rebuffed.

 

 

Non Jerk Factor : 2

Say I’m sitting in my living room and suddenly my door is kicked in, by the grandson of the people who lived in said apartment fifty years ago. Now this fellow beats me down, locks me up in the bathroom, and claims my apartment as his own. My neighbours hear about the situation and rush to my defence, only to all be simultaneously beaten down by the guy. Whenever I register my complaints about the situation he burst into the bathroom and pummels me savagely with the towel rack. When my neighbors call the cops to intervene, all the grandsons rich buddies get together and make sure things are tied up court for years, all the while I’m locked in the bathroom getting daily skank beatings from the dude sitting on my couch. That would really suck, and be deeply unfair.

 

Sorry Israel, you are cool as hell, but you’re pretty damn jerky.

 

 

General liveability : 4

Solid economy, crack military, socially progressive, beautiful hand crafted country side, and a vibrant night life full of swinging clubs with a nasty habit of spontaneously detonating. That’s that thing, Israel is a great place and like all great places, everyone around you wants you dead, dispossessed, and driven into the sea. Straight up playa hatin’.

 

Wildcard : +3

 

They have openly admitted, and refused to disavow, the practice of targeted extra national assassinations; meaning they will gun you down on the steps of the Vatican if you provoke them enough. It’s not the fact that they do it, but that they don’t even pretend to play nice that gets them bonus points.

 

 

Total score and Assessment: 29

Hmm, Utah and Israel got the same rating. I’m not sure if I’m trying to make some sort of subtle assosiation, or if the super computer is just on the fritz again. Maybe they really are the lost tribe of Israelites.

 

OTHER RANKINGS

NORTH KOREA, CANADA, GERMANY

JAPAN, IRAQ, SWITZERLAND

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18 Responses to “AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks: The Nations of the World, Fundamentals”

  1. Aaron Says:

    Is that a dude holding up a severed forearm in that picture of Israel? You got it: the money should have “Don’t Fuck with Israel” on it.

  2. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    Israel doesn’t have a “first world standard of living”. They actually have a lot of unemployment and a substantial amount of people struggling to get by daily. Economically, they aren’t doing particularly well.

  3. jaybird Says:

    And just so there’s no mistake, that’s my teddy bear bank in the background.

    Well, actually my sister’s. But I purposely stole it from our parent’s basement to raise her ire.


  4. So my claims of dark horseman roaming the streets of the Nation of Utah, snatching children for dark rituals, passes without comment; but it’s Israel economic situation that people feel the need to question my research on. Crazy world.

  5. engtech Says:

    @jaybird:

    So what you’re insinuating, is that *sometimes* AJ wears a wedding dress in your bedroom?

  6. Jay's sister Says:

    I want my bank back!
    I’m also a slut.

  7. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    By the way, Utah is polygynous, not polyamorous.

    For Polyamory or polyandry, check out Bhutan, which also braught us the Gross Domectic Happiness rate. The only country in the world who’s capital does not have traffic lights !

  8. thekenji Says:

    Man, Utah’s flag DOES kick some major ass.

  9. HitTheRhodes Says:

    Is that a dude holding up a severed forearm in that picture of Israel? You’re damn right “Don’t fuck with Israel”.

  10. bass invader Says:

    Can I get Jay’s sister’s number? She sounds like my kind of girl.

    Also, describing the muslim world’s stance on Israel as “straight up playa hatin'” made me laugh out loud at work.

  11. hobot Says:

    Sorry to be a grammar nazi but I found two mistakes:
    “and just between you and me I don’t think anyone takingthe crown any time soon.”
    will be taking the crown.

    “the clearly insane Joseph Smith as a profit.”
    Prophet.

    Sorry for being a dick,
    -hobot


  12. Much obliged, Hobot.
    Trust me, I need all the proof reading I can get.
    For a fairly articulate person I’m borderline illiterate, on occasion.

  13. NotMike Says:

    I think I read Polyandry in grade school.

  14. sungame Says:

    “Extra martial sex”?

    If that is “martial” as in “martial arts”, I think Saudi Arabia is right to outlaw the stuff. I enjoy both martial arts and sex on a regular basis, but I prefer not to mix the two. In my dictionary, the word “martial” is explained as “of, or appropriate to war; warlike”. Just the thought of an “extra martial” approach to sex makes me rather nervous….

    Of course, “martial” could also just be a typo for “marital”, but where’s the fun in that?


  15. A lesser man would go back through and correct all his typos after a second public shaming. I, however, have the inner strength to allow my reading public to gain personal validation by doing so on my behalf.


  16. “I think I read Polyandry in grade school.’

    A heart warming tale of a pure hearted orphan, and joy she brought to community through gang bangs and arts and crafts.


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