Mail Bag Day – The Return

December 4, 2006

Some Blogs pride themselves on timely content updates, dedicated contributors, and some degree of continuity in their posts. Obviously, we here a Beats Entropy admire those qualities, however, none of us possess the requisite skills, morals, or gumption to act on these points.

Heck, most of us consider it a good day with we overcome our lethargy enough to put trousers on before we go to work.

That having been said, it has come to our attention that Dr. Entropic has dropped the ball on letter day, and despite the almost non-existent hierarchical structure that exists here at BE, the rest of us have unanimously voted to take over Letter Day until Dr. Entropic gets a handle on his little ‘problem.’

So, without further ado, we bring you the return of letter day.

Our first letter comes in from upstate New York

Dear Beats Entropy

I run a cub scout troop, Local #435, and one of the badge programs I have created is the “Wrestle a Mythological Creature” badge. My intent was to teach children the sweet longing for something that can never be, only to reveal on their last day how it’s all a lie and they had been made fools of. I feel this would give them powerful insight into adult life, and a healthy distrust of authority.

The problem is one child, Richochet, came in today claiming to have successfully wrestled the Unicorn of the West Woods, and actually possess the necessary supporting puncture wounds. Now I suspect he was just knocking giant icicles off church eaves again, but am inclined to give him the badge anyways for sheer moxie. Do you feel this sort of pandering will detract from the message I’m trying to impart?

Rolly Rothschild, Upstate New York, USA

Fielding the Beats Entropy response, Mr. AJ Valliant.

Let me tell you something Rolly, No.

If you are going to lie to children (and you should do so early and often) you need to make sure they have the freedom to lie back to you into return; provided they take appropriate steps to cover their tracks. For every Easter Bunny or Jesus you lay on them, they get a closet monster that beat up their sister or hobo that broke in and ate all the pudding. One of the most import lesson we can impart on a young life is how to lie, and lie convincingly…so convincingly that some of the more precious ones blossom into meaningful delusions, that might sustain us through the dark days of adulthood.

Additionally, if you have no proof that he didn’t actually wrestle a Unicorn you would be doing the child, and the Unicorn of the West Wood, a grave disservice by denying their struggle. Shaming a Unicorn is poor choice my friend…as poor a choice as one can make.

AJ Valliant

Our second letter comes from New Platsburg, Euro-Disint District

May 24, 3043

Dear Beats Entropy

I am writing you as part of my grade 4 temporal mechanics seminar. As part of this project each of us is being asked to write an email and use the chronotome particle matter stream projector to send it back in time.

Normally we are only aloud to send spam back, but rather than the old ‘send the instructions for cold fusion back in a penis enlargement email that people will ignore’ trick, I asked for special permission to talk to you. My teacher was a bit worried at first, but after going through the historical archives of your ‘interweb’ she agreed that you and your site lack legitimacy on such a fundamental level that there is no way anyone would believe you were receiving messages from the future.

Anyways, my question is: What the fuck is wrong with you people? I mean I’ve read the history links and you guys seem to have had your heads so far up your own asses that you didn’t see the climate shift induced ice age until people started getting killed by flash-frozen pigeons falling from the sky.

Do you have any idea how cold it is here? I have to spend 15 minutes ever morning de-icing my public hair, and I’m only 11. So from all of us in the dome covered frozen vista that now is Earth – Fuck you guys!

Obama Newton Headwig
New Platsgurg, Euro-Disint District, Dome 236

On behalf of Beats Entropy, w()rmwood replies:

Dear Future Boy,

First let me say how honored we are to receive our first email from the distant future, thanks future boy.

It is of course too bad that we had to get it from a whinny little bitch. Oooh, so its cold. Oooh, I have to live under a dome. Poor me!

Look you little puissant, allow me to let you in on a little secret – we know our double cupped lattes are going to doom you to a life of frigid darkness, we are aware that driving our gas guzzling SUV’s will more than likely mean that within a few short years ‘sunsets’ will join the ranks of ‘clean drinking water’ and ‘safe hitchhiking’ as mythological bygones.

In short what I am saying is that while yes, at his point in history most rich and privileged humans are willfully blind to the pain and suffering they inflicts on others (both in the present and future) through over-consumption and waste, we here at Beats Entropy are part of the minority that know. But let me tell you something, this kind of whinning will accomplish very little with us.

So suck it up twinkle toes, and make the best of it. I hear snow is good for snow cones, try one of those.

Sincerely,

w()rmwood

Our next letter comes from a fellow blogger, Eric (the Extrapolator)

Hi

I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know I like your strip. I have started up a website (address in my sig) where I’m encouraging submissions from all of the other good artists/writers I find on wordpress, based on sort of the idea of cross-pollination – if we get your audience and my audience and several other peoples’ audiences together, we have, like, one big audience, right? Anyway, a couple of people have taken me up on it already, and I thought I’d send you an official invitation to be included if you’re interested. I basically credit the creator and link like mad back to your wordpress site so people can read more. Check out the site and let me know what you think.

Thanks!

Eric/The Extrapolater

Response: Collective Beats Entropy Effort

Thanks for the invitation Eric.

We appreciate your feedback and thank you for your offer.
However, Beats Entropy is already a collective effort, dysfunctional as it often is, and so we aren’t really looking to expand beyond the reassuring borders of our own little domain just yet.

Like a gelatinous mass of cockroach eggs planted in the inner ear canal of some hapless street person, we are wriggling with potential, but not yet at the point where we are interested in leaving the squishing and nourishing confines of our fleshy nest.

Perhaps one day, as our number increases and our meatbag home becomes hallow and unwelcoming some of us might venture forth, but for now we must politely decline your offer.

Best of luck with your venture…

Sincerely,

The Beats Entropy Collective

Following we have a querry from Mr. Corso

Dear w()rmwood,

Would it be considered non-consensual parkour if the subjects involved were corpses? I’m not sure what their stance on the matter was before they died, so I feel hesitant to claim to be part of the league. I just find it so much easier to throw bodies when they’re not alive and flailing!
Sincerely,

Mortimer Corso

Response by w()rmwood:

Good question Mr. Corso.

While I am by no means an expert on non-consensual assisted parkour, I think the answer to your question is yes, with some caveats.
If the individual was not involved, or interested in being involved, with Parkour before he or she died, and you are planning on hurdling the body as the ‘parkourer’ and not vault or ride the body as part of your own parkour, I believe yes – it would be accurate to consider this non-consensual assisted parkour.

However, if the individual (when living or in a will) was pro-parkour and expressed a desire to be involved, then you would be more accurate to describe your endeavor as team-parkour, assisted-parkour, or good old fashion body tossing.

sincerely,

w()rmwood.

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7 Responses to “Mail Bag Day – The Return”

  1. jaybird Says:

    I got a bronze medal in high school for body tossing.

  2. engtech Says:

    Don’t you mean “salad tossing”?

  3. jaybird Says:

    Maybe it’ll be dwarf tossing if you keep your yapping.

  4. Dr. Entropic Says:

    My parents just killed themselves in a murder-suicide pact, and this is how you repay me?

  5. Erwin Tottlemung Says:

    Rolly you bastard!

    Are you telling me I’ve been hunting around for a Chimera for the last four weeks and they DON’T EVEN EXIST!??!!?

    I’m totally going to piss in your cup of apple juice next meeting.

  6. bass invader Says:

    Message to Future Boy:

    If you see my wallet in any museum-domes or glaciers, please send it back through time. I recently lost it, and I have a pre-paid Gap gift card in there that I’d like to use.

  7. jaybird Says:

    *admires his new Gap shirt*


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