Letter Day Something or Other: “I thought you was dead?”

January 2, 2007

  

 Christ and Bolivia my children’s, I’ve unearthed myself from my Christmas hole and returned to my rightful post as Beats Entropy raconteur. Before we get down to business I would like to address a few rumours that surfaced in my absence.

(1) I heard AJ ran out of ideas so he sold out, got a drivers licence, stopped keeping his clean clothes in a giant sack, and started a new life as a high school shop teacher.

Let me tell you something: I may some day get my drivers license, and I might sell out were I ever to be doing something that you could actually sell out from, but I will never stop keeping my clean clothes in a sack! Also I have no plans to stop my cat from sleeping in my clean clothes sack.

(2) I hear AJ hates Christmas so much he hung himself in a strip club bathroom and when they found him the corpse was still crying.

Now this one is a half truth at best. While I did hang myself a little, it was in the orchestra pit of an adult puppet show, and purely for auto erotic purposes. Also I was weeping for the fragile beauty of sensual marionettes in delecto flagrante.

(3) AJ killed a hundred horses on New Years eve to enhance his already fearsome manitude.

This one was true.

Now, like a shivering five year old left for days in alley while mommy gets her medicine, I give you the long overdue Letter Day. Let’s get down to business.

Letter 1

In regards to your assessment of Israel I find you criminally lacking in fairness and geopolitical awareness. You glibly trumpet there success’s, while paying, at best, lip services to their brutally and Zionist agenda, is cowardly in the extreme. At the same time you excoriate Iraq and Saudi Arabia, demonizing them and ignoring all of their positive values. There is a very clear bias towards the west, and against any who dare to hold different cultural values.

Saed Al Zawi

First off let me say “lacking fairness and awareness” is pretty much our corporate motto here at Beats Entropy. Beyond this high level mandate for uninformed and slanderous commentary, I’m personally profoundly mean spirited and ethnocentric. It’s not that I don’t want provide a more balanced assessment of issues, it’s that my nature makes me fundamentally incapable of doing so.

 I do, however, take mild exception to the notion I go easy on the West. I incited rebellion against Great Britain, labelled Switzerland the worlds biggest pussies, and have such seething contempt for France I refuse to even review them lest my computer explode into flames.  

Letter 2

I really wanted to send you guys a Hat for Christmas but you have no sort of mailing address. How can your devoted fans deliver the baked goods and naked pictures you so richly deserve?

Sarah Lovelygirl

 Seeing as I have provided my correct home address on numerous occasions, I’m going to assume you want to make gifts for the entire staff at Beats Entropy. As most of us live in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada; and are local heroes of some renown, you can pretty much give packages to any citizen and it will make it’s way to us. If you are little shy about approaching strangers, you can leave any gifts on the steps of the War Memorial. Most of the staff reside under a bridge near by, so we should stumble upon it in due course of our daily activities.

Letter 3

I’ve sent you fuckers like ten letters and you never post them. If this is how you treat you fans it’s no wonder you head office got firebombed twice.

Karl K.

Ok, we actually get this complaint fairly often so I’ll take some time to address it. You have to understand, Karl, that we get literally hundreds of letters every week from all over the world. Some them we answer through unpublished personal correspondence, others are ignored out of spite or to make us feel like big men, and some are forwarded to the hate crime division of the appropriate local police department. What I’m trying to get across is that were are all very important, highly admired, and largely tick free men of international mystery, thus cannot possible accommodated all of the many demands on our time. We ask that our fans be patient, keep writing, and limit the firebombings to times when only the soulless immigrant janitorial staff are in the building.

Letter 4

Oh Jesus, I just killed my best friend Kyle. He didn’t do anything…but I got so confused. See I started thinking “Could God create an angel powerful enough to kill him?” Then I started thinking “What if I’m that Angel, and Kyle is really God?” So I figured at it and decided that even infinite power could be semantically constrained within a given rhetorical system… only I had to be sure, so I smashed Kyle in the gully with a bust of Gustav Klimt. Now Kyle is dead and I find myself no close resolving my theological conundrum.

Baffled in Beaumont, Tx.

  

That’s a hell of problem, Beau. Now I prefer to wait a week or so into the New Year before providing any accessory after the fact services, but you seem a little on edge so I’ma do you a solid.  First thing is, no matter the temptation, don’t fool around with any necromancy to bring him back. God is probably fairly angry with you as it is, so countermanding the order of life will only get you deeper into his bad books. Of course if you friend actually was God, and you really are actually angel with the power to kill him, that wouldn’t be so much a concern.

 Ok, here’s the plan: Use necromancy to bring your friend back to life…if you succeed and there is no divine retribution than your friend was indeed god, and you are an angel with the power to kill him. If you fail to bring him back, then you are just some asshole murderer, and should jump town pronto. If you succeed… and there is divine retribution, then I just gave you some pretty third rate advice, and will feel somewhat badly.

———————————————————————————–

That’s the lot for today’s Letter Day. We should be back to our regular flow now that the holidays are over, so expect all kinds of Beats Entropy goodness this week. Should have the dramatic conclusion to the “Streets of Old Laredo” serial, another country ranking article, PD goodness, and many mysterious surprises. Later folks.

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