My first top 8 mistakes of 2007
January 18, 2007
8. The expression ‘if first you don’t succeed, try, try again’ should not be universally applied, this is especially true when trying to use a sexually charged metaphore with a coworker and not come off as creepy.
7. Nine out of ten is a great score in almost every context. However, one exception is when attempting to remember a dinner guest’s violent allergies while cooking the evening’s meal. Also, as a point of information, it takes approximately 27 seconds for a person’s throat to close after said person, who is allergic to peanuts, ingests a spoon of “hot n’ spicy Thai beef surprise’ – when the ‘surprise’ is a peanut filling.
6. No amount of explaining can mitigate the negative impact of certain situations. A mayonnaise stain on the crotch of one’s pants is one such situation.
5. Somewhat counter intuitively, Dora the Explorer Ice cream contains chunks of neither Spanish underage girls, nor monkeys. Additionally, complaints about this gross misrepresentation in advertising are not met sympathetically by grocery store managers, especially if they have children, and those children are female, and those female children are of Latin decent, and those Latin female children have pet monkeys.
4. Regardless as to whether a colleague is from Holland, or a skilled baker, never, ever agree to check out their ‘dutch oven.’
3. Someone being diagnosed with AIDS is never funny. Ok, technically the misogynist womanizing high school jock who tormented you and your friends in high school being diagnosed with AIDS and being forced out of his high paying government job and having to move to Idaho and work as a clown for children’s birthday parties is a bit funny, but still one should not laugh.
2. Cats are a lot like pancakes, they do not do well in the microwave.
1. Contrary to what one might think, ‘statutory rape’ laws in the US do not apply solely to ‘statues’ under the age of 17, but in fact also to people, especially 15 year old swim team finalist people from Missouri out having a night on the town with fake ID.