My first top 8 mistakes of 2007

January 18, 2007

8. The expression ‘if first you don’t succeed, try, try again’ should not be universally applied, this is especially true when trying to use a sexually charged metaphore with a coworker and not come off as creepy.

7. Nine out of ten is a great score in almost every context. However, one exception is when attempting to remember a dinner guest’s violent allergies while cooking the evening’s meal. Also, as a point of information, it takes approximately 27 seconds for a person’s throat to close after said person, who is allergic to peanuts, ingests a spoon of “hot n’ spicy Thai beef surprise’ – when the ‘surprise’ is a peanut filling.

6. No amount of explaining can mitigate the negative impact of certain situations. A mayonnaise stain on the crotch of one’s pants is one such situation.

5. Somewhat counter intuitively, Dora the Explorer Ice cream contains chunks of neither Spanish underage girls, nor monkeys. Additionally, complaints about this gross misrepresentation in advertising are not met sympathetically by grocery store managers, especially if they have children, and those children are female, and those female children are of Latin decent, and those Latin female children have pet monkeys.

4. Regardless as to whether a colleague is from Holland, or a skilled baker, never, ever agree to check out their ‘dutch oven.’

3. Someone being diagnosed with AIDS is never funny. Ok, technically the misogynist womanizing high school jock who tormented you and your friends in high school being diagnosed with AIDS and being forced out of his high paying government job and having to move to Idaho and work as a clown for children’s birthday parties is a bit funny, but still one should not laugh.

2. Cats are a lot like pancakes, they do not do well in the microwave.

1. Contrary to what one might think, ‘statutory rape’ laws in the US do not apply solely to ‘statues’ under the age of 17, but in fact also to people, especially 15 year old swim team finalist people from Missouri out having a night on the town with fake ID.


8 Responses to “My first top 8 mistakes of 2007”

  1. engtech Says:

    I thought “hot and tasty Thai beef surprise” referred to the fact that the majority of Thai sex trade workers were really male?

  2. thekenji Says:

    Your mistakes are getting worse and worse. You are not only not learning, you’re UNlearning.

  3. w0rmwood Says:

    Oh common, the whole laughing at an enemy forced to play clown for smarmy kids at birthday parties to pay for mounting medical bills due to a HIV/AIDS infection could have happened to anyone.

    Or at least anyone with as broken a moral compass as mine.

  4. engtech Says:

    I think if we made “Hot and tasty Thai beef surprise” our tagline we’d get more clicks on the Blogs of the Day.

  5. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    But you have to consider the crowd you’d be attracting.

    Also: Dora is a whore-a, they really should consider chopping her and that shit disturbing little monkey up.Your disappointment is entirely understandable.

  6. Jive Says:

    Dude, I just cleaned the microwave. If you exploded the cat in it after I left for work today I’m going to be pissed.

  7. Steve Says:

    My friend told me I had to read this stupid funny blog. I can honestly say I am dumber now than when I began reading this blog but I am still snickering.

  8. w0rmwood Says:

    “I am still snickering”

    We aims to please, and are pleased to usually aim.

    “I can honestly say I am dumber now than when I began reading this blog”

    Or perhaps you are smarter now, and with your increased analytic skills are more voraciously questioning your own intellectual shortcomings. Perhaps this awakening will start you down the path to self emancipation, increased flexibility, and ultimate enlightenment.

    Or, like myself, perhaps you will wake up one morning wondering why your fingers smell like crotch candy.

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