AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks :The Socialist Nations of the world

January 24, 2007

 

   We, the people of Earth, sit simmering in a vast ideological stew, rife with polarizing magnets of political reification. Why (you might ask) would someone put magnets into a stew? Because taste and reason fall to the wayside when we try and codify a way of life into a morally justified system of governance. Also I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night so my metaphors are not what they could be.

 In this edition of “A.J. Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks The Nations of the world” we examine nations flying the flag of the charmingly broken Socialist/Marxist/Communist/Granola mandate.

THE PROCESS

The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria I have chosen, producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them. Note: this is the assessment of the Country as gestalt entity, and not necessarily a reflection of the individuals that make up that country.

The categories break down as such (The higher the score, the more favourable the review)

Style

  • 0 to10 points
  • How much style, panache, edginess, and distinct character that nation has.

What have they ever done for me or against me

  • 0 to 10 points
  • What has the country as whole ever done for/against me, AJ Valliant.

Flag

  • 0 to10 points
  • How cool/decent vs pathetic/boring is their flag.

Non Jerk Factor

  • 0 to10 points
  • Does the nation, in both international affairs and aggregate citizen’s behavior, comport itself as a stand-up country or jerkass nation.

General livability

  • 0 to 10 points
  • How pleasant it is to actually live in said country.

Wildcard

  • -10 to +10 points
  • Potential bonus/minus points for whatever the hell I chose.

Lets get down to business.

CHINA

Style :  8

 Inscrutable ancients. Tea totaling toymakers. Super power in waiting. China is that huge quiet kid back in school that everyone thought was retarded; then one day he scored perfect on the SATs and began crushing the skulls of his tormentors beneath dinner plate sized hands. Ok maybe only my school had a guy like that; point remains China is a late bloomer that suddenly finds itself with huge tits, bristling mustache, and a thirty year plan for world domination.

What have they ever done for me or against me :  1

This category begins, and Ends, with the nefarious Chairman Zhang. Zhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangh! How I wish my words were poison, that my contempt might end your breathe as surely as it quickens mine. Some day soon, old enemy, we will dance the dance of a thousand swords.

Flag: 8

Now this is a solid flag. Blood red and gold color scheme. Giant mother star scrambling smaller star fighter drones to battle the hated bourgeois imperial fleet. If they just added a slick looking dragon to play to their base this could be a ten point flag, easy.  Let me mock that up.

Oh man, I would give up my Epicanthal folds in a heartbeat to march behind that bad boy.

Non Jerk Factor: 4

I should disclose upfront that China runs a country pretty much how I would run a country. I should also disclose that I am somewhat of terrible person, and you likely wouldn’t want me running your country.

 China’s moral stance can be vest described as “Brutally pragmatic”. When you are the father of a billion children you need to set some serious ground rules, and be ready to use the belt early and often, or things will hit the skids right quick (see India). China doesn’t threaten, only asks once, and will turn the car around and go home even if it has to back over a rice patties worth of first born daughters to do it. They squash the old human rights a fair bit, but at least tend to do so in pursuit of effective governance, as opposed to mean spirited despotic crazy (see North Korea).

  On the international scene China throws it weight around surprisingly little, considering the massive wrecking ball they have at their disposal. When you consider the U.S. will decimate multiple unrelated nations if someone knocks down a few sky scrapers, Chinas superpower conduct has been the model of restraint. Unless you are from Tibet…and have read this far without setting yourself on fire…then you might take some exception to China’s “moderate” dealings with foreign nations.   (Though China would contest this falls under the internal repression category and they should not lose extra points for it. Same deal with Taiwan)

General livability : 4

 Great walls, Giants Pandas, sturdy peasants that can combine into twenty foot flesh mecha’s of unstoppable force…China is as magnificent as it is restrictive. The biggest problem, aside from internal repression and large swathes of desert, is the hordes of raving Mongols that occasionally sweep in to torment them. It’s these Mongols that have forced China to upgrade is military production; recently creating missiles that can shoot down Mongol spy satellites. Good luck China, I fear the whole world will suffer the wrath of Khan should you fail.

Wildcard : +4

I pretty sure China will be running things proper in a few years time, so it can’t hurt to get in their good graces now. It’s only a +4 since AJ Valliant is no punk… but he ain’t no fool neither.

Total score and Assessment: 29

 As a young man I was told China could be reached post haste were I to dig a tunnel through the center of the Earth. It took two years, but eventually I dragged my battered, lava scorched, gravity crushed body through to the other side. I wound up on an island somewhere off the coast of Australia; I have never forgiven China for this.

———————————————————————————

VENEZUELA

Style :  8 (all Hugo)

I like my world leaders idiomatic, autocratic, and crazy as a shit house rat; it is no surprise then that Hugo “too sexy” Chavez has stolen my heart. A Latin Kim Jong Il, with a license to thrill, Hugo runs his country like a bare chested, two fisted, liquored up hippie with a chip on his shoulder. Through raw force of Charisma, the odd coup, and international shit talking unseen since the days of Winston Churchill, Chavez has single handedly turned Venezuela from the Brazils ugly sister to the preeminent badass iconoclast of the southern hemisphere.

 Apart from Chavez, Venezuela is essentially a post drug rehab Colombia. Fairly generic South American folks…I assume they make colorful blankets of some sort…might have Llamas…kind of short.

What have they ever done for me or against me:  6

He called Bush the Devil in front the U.N. Assembly. He called him a donkey, drunk, and feebleminded on national radio. Seriously, Chavez will jerk the Americans around, call them on their bull shit, and engage in childish name calling just for the hell of it. That is worth at least a 6, and I like the States.

Flag: 5

Obviously they lose big points for the stripes. Even the token star placement is too weak to generate any positive score. The only thing saving them from the gutter is that snazzy crest with a unicorn on it stashed up in the corner. Not perfect by any means, but not bad Venezuela.

Non Jerk Factor: 10

In Venezuela every day is Christmas. They give out grips full of oily cash like a drunken Texan uncle, provide free health and education, seize corporate wealth for the people, and were one of the first nations to offer the US aid after Katrina. While you can certainly question the political motive for Venezuela’s largess, you can’t argue how much easier they makes the lives of friends, and occasionally enemies. Venezuela is so nice it’s almost creepy.

General livability : 5

I’m going to be honest with you here folks: for all I know Venezuela is just a huge lake of oil that Hugo Chavez paddles about on a row boat, spouting Marxist rhetoric, and occasionally firing a potato gun at the U.S.. 

Wildcard :  -3

I wrote the word “Venezuela” a dozen times in this entry, and I spelled it wrong every single time. The proper spelling of the country should be like so: Venezula, to avoid embarrassing quick typing gringos trying to give them some free press. They could learn a thing or two from “Bolivia”.

Total score and Assessment: 31

Hugo, my brother, I will be shocked if you live out the year. The world is not made for creatures as beautiful and you, and I. I can only hope your crazy reforms, and constant antagonism of world powers, encourages other world leaders to do whatever the hell they want; because it is funny. God bless you Venezula…or however it’s spelled.

——————————————————————————–

BRITISH COLUMBIA

 Style : 6

Neither British, nor Colombian, the lies start at top and work their way down to the duplicitous core of this rogue liberal nation. It’s hard to discern the actual beliefs of the roving bands of bong addled, snow boarding, patchouli smelling hippie nomads that swarm about the mountains and beach of the suspiciously warm northwestern coast.

 They are a clannish people; timid and sketchy by day, wild and unreliable by night. I was once able to insinuate myself into game of hackey sack, having donned a set of fake dreads and a woven hemp jumpsuit, but was driven away by the pseudo spiritual piecemeal philosophy espoused by their leader. I would have persisted but I felt my capacity for critical thought eroding, being replaced with a vague sense of spiritual purpose and a few catchy Psytrance riffs.     

What have they ever done for me or against me : 3

Every winter I have to endure constant mention of their balmy temperatures and majestic mountain skiing. A lifetime of condescension from Vancouver transplants railing about how much better life is out West. The continual hemorrhage of cool, if somewhat hippie friends migrating to their natural habitat. The affront cannot be forgiven.

 On the plus side I’m a fairly big fan of the Canucks.

Flag: 8

A surprisingly awesome and aggressive flag from the granola and fairy dust crowd. If you note: the vengeful sun is rising up from the depths of the sea to consume the British Monarchy. This dates back to the escaped Colombian slaves that shook off the shackles of British oppression and founded the nation, back in the day.

Non Jerk Factor: 5

Let me tell you something B.C., if I want to throw my garbage in the street…then I will throw my garbage in the street. And what the deal with all those totem poles everywhere? We have natives too, you don’t see us crowing about it. Essentially I have no legitimate reason to consider them jerks, but I can sense it in my bones.

General livability :  9

Once you get past the smug hippies, transplanted Chinese dissidents, massive heroin and Meth Amphetamine problem, and over privileged ski trash, it’s about as ideal place to live as you will find. Gorgeous mountain vistas, amazing shoreline, perfect temperate weather, and more Whales than you can heave a harpoon at. Plus the constant rain forces the ginger and garbage scented rainbow chasers to shower on a somewhat regular basis.

Wildcard : +4

Everyone I have ever met from the West coast has been very cool. I suspect it’s something in my personality that facilitates this, but I cannot entirely write off previous environmental influences.

Total score and Assessment: 34

B.C. is like that rich kid with great teeth that has it all and never lets you forget it. Smug, superior, and as ineffectively liberal and spacey you can get without actually being California. If pressed I will admit that it is a pretty awesome place…but it gets on my nerves to the point I would shed few tears if global warming drove them up into barren snowless mountains for a few thousand years.

  • OTHER RANKINGSFUNDAMENTALIST COUNTRIES

    NORTH KOREA, CANADA, GERMANY

    NATIONS THAT BROKE MY HEART

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    9 Responses to “AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks :The Socialist Nations of the world”

    1. thekenji Says:

      Oh how my heart flutters now whenever I see that 56% Beats Entropy red donut image at the top of your Nation ranking posts.

      I can almost hear all the remaining countries of the world clamouring to our site screaming “do me!!! do me!!!”

    2. HitTheRhodes Says:

      I’m impressed that Hugo got that little red hat on the parrot to match his own. That’s class.

    3. w0rmwood Says:

      your rankings are legendary… pretty bloody awesome.

      But i gots to ask, what the hell happened to Cuba?

      =)

      I though you and Castro used do meth together and went to that party where you did body shots of cuban dancers back in day.


    4. “But i gots to ask, what the hell happened to Cuba?”

      I’m not entirely sure if Castro is dead or alive at the moment, and that kind of uncertainty is hell on the Arbitron 6500’s sarcasm processors.

      I should really give him a call, see what’s what and maybe mend some fences before it’s too late.


    5. “I’m impressed that Hugo got that little red hat on the parrot to match his own. That’s class.”

      That “Parrot”, as you so glibly call him, happens to be Pepito Escalante, minister of education, and one the real heroes of the revolution. He earned that hat as surely as Hugo earned his multicolored flag cape and utility belt.

    6. thekenji Says:

      Actually
      I’m not sure if that’s the REAL Pepito. I think it’s the decoy Pepito. The real Pepito has never been seen by a person, except by groundskeeper Jorge Pacheko back in 1986 who saw the silhouette of a parrot near the ministry of Education.


    7. Hey Kenji!
      Lets play a game called : Divulge all of Venezuela’s national secrets. The winner gets shot in the face twenty times by Hugo Chavez.

    8. engtech Says:

      Best AJ Arbitrarily Ranks Ever.

      You had me at “Also I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night so my metaphors are not what they could be.”

    9. baredfeetandteeth Says:

      I am so entertained.


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