Why we are not really jerks; except for me.

February 8, 2007

I have immensely tolerant friends. This is fortunate as I also have an odd, sarcastic, and very deadpan sense of humour. I rarely tell jokes; I make wild assertions and baseless personal attacks because I find it funny. An example:

 Upon seeing my friend Kenji in the morning a less jerky person might proffer the following reasonable greeting “Hello Kenji. I heard the most amusing anecdote on the radio this morning; might I relay it to you.”

  Civil, pleasant, and very little chance of being misunderstood.

  Now a greeting that I would be more likely to offer : “Hey Kenji. I killed you father on way over. Just before he died he told me he never loved you and begged that I tell you so in person. Seemed like kind of petty last request but I promised they I guy I would, so there it is. Also he said he hates those pants you’re wearing right now; not sure how he knew you had them on”.

  Totally uncalled for, and possibly deeply hurtful; yet in all likelihood he would absorb the comment good naturedly, perhaps thanking me for relaying the message and absolving me of my actions due to the crippling syphilis I contracted from the many Thai Lady Boys I frequent. On surface it looks like we are mean spirited pricks trying to start shit for the no reason. The irony is we are two of the nicer, most considerate people you could ever meet; we just find over the top asshole statements and deeply socially inappropriate behaviour entertaining.

This affection for inappropriate humour and conduct runs pretty deep in my circle of friends. Observe:

 One of the first times I hung out with my love she repeatedly jammed spit covered fingers up my nose and in my ears. A few days later I threatened to hurl her into the heart of the sun, explaining in detail the crushing gravity and intense heat that would await her. We became very close soon after that. 


     Before I was even friends with J. he informed that my mom hoofs roofies; which she does not. It was such an unexpected, and massive escalation of playful banter I was unable to take offence.

I once spent a breakfast locked in a insult contest with Jesse. Video game style life bars were setup, via sugar packets, to show how much emotional harm had been inflicted. I won handily, shaming her even more than her ridiculous sky chicken sweater already had. Actually this one is bad example since I think I did somewhat hurt her feelings. It was pretty funny though.

 My friend Mike has suffered through the creation of his alter egos Milk Wrightly, Milk Sanchez, and his superior in everyway parallel Mark Waitly.  This is in addition to me sleep punching him while I whisper denominational things to keep his spirits low.       

  Aside from painting my self as a hideous jerk, the point I am trying to make here is we can treat each other in such a disturbing fashion since there is such a high level of trust and affection between us. It is assumed we would never do anything wilfully cruel so any odd statements are taken as the playful gestures they are. The result is very high level of intimacy and comfort, since we don’t have to self monitor at all.

 Where things can get complicated (especially considering Beats Entropy), is when we express the same style of humour in front of strangers. The absurdity, sarcasm, and seemingly arbitrary attacks against anything and anyone can easily be misread. A large potion of our content is misleading, offensive, antagonistic, and profane…because we thinks that is funny. While don’t go out of our way to offend any particular group (except the French), we don’t really hold any above reproach either. The hope is this sort of free wheeling approach will foster a degree of intimacy and camaraderie between the our readership and us.

  Do we have the right to disregard other people feelings in pursuit of our own entertainment and artistic expression? Yes we do. Have a good night.        


4 Responses to “Why we are not really jerks; except for me.”

  1. w0rmwood Says:

    don’t believe his lies, it’s the thai prostitute induced syphillitic brain ulscers talking.

    ps – that sugar packet thing is possibly one of the single greatest things i have ever heard. We may need to develop and market a board game.

  2. engtech Says:

    You guys see the life bars too?

    I thought it was just me.

  3. NotMike Says:

    It’s not so much the mean-sprited, hurtful things you whisper in my sleep that gets me, but the mean-sprited, hurtful things you taught your cats to say to me.

    I hate Mark Waitly so much, but I know he just wishes he could help me in some way. What an asshole.

  4. fish Says:

    Mark Waitly once gave me 100 bucks so I could wash the grime of the street from my pores. Then he bought me a bottle of old bathtub and cured my tuberculosis.

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