Letter Day: Because we can’t, and we won’t, and we don’t stop.

February 12, 2007

Once again the incredible, rhyme animal, V, public AJ number one. Can I tell ’em that I really never had a gun? I’m packing letter day just like It’s always been done.

 It’s been while folks; I blame a soft real estate market and the pressures of the modern world. Also there was a postal strike in my neck of the woods so the usual bounty of lettery goodness was denied me…and by proxy you. Lets get down to business.

Letter 1

My boyfriends idea of romance is taking me to a steak house, then professional lacrosse game. This sucks. You seem romantic, what are doing for Valentines day?


 Sweet fuck all, Erica. While you correctly intuited my romantic nature, you failed to take into consideration the counter culture iconoclascism of my current paramour. Esmerelda is of the belief that Valentines day is an artefact of the industrial military pharmaceutical complex; at best a cold manipulation of market forces…at worst a direct attack against the Panda/Macro Phage alliance. 

 As result of her socio-romantic disinclination I will be spending valentines day starring soulfully at a game of “Justice League Heroes” with my cousin Rob; saving the world and fending off his clumsy advances.       

Letter 2

My mind is a laser. My thoughts are weaponzied plutonium with a benzo isolate core. I would contest that I should be on the Beats Entropy staff- perhaps at the head of the Beats Entropy. Remit unto me what is mine.

Guile Fontaine

 First off, Guile, I not sure how safe that laser plutonium combo is. I mean there’s likely not enough containment to generate pressure wave sufficient to go nuclear…but there is at least a nasty cancer risk. Second off, were not real big on remittance here at Beats Entropy. Rather than rewarding merit we prefer to use a complex system of graft, nepotism, spite, favouritism, and wilful mismanagement just because.

  Does it make things more difficult? Absolutely. However, It is my personal belief that strife and discontent serves as the finest creative grist. Sometimes when an issue of PD is late I go over to the creators houses and start smashing all their stuff to motivate them. Sure they claim it only slows them down, but they are both contemptible liars who deserve their stuff smashed regardless.  

Letter 3

Instead of being a smartass all the time have you ever considered using your platform to have a positive effect on world affairs? The great failure of our age is the collapse into negative ideation and cynical disengagement. Be brave, be wise, and take a step towards self actuation and group responsibility that is our higher purpose.

 Wise through humbleness

 Oh Wise Through, you couldn’t be more wrong. If Beats Entropy is anything, and it may not be, it is group responsible in a self actualized manner. What you have to understand is that cynicism and sarcasm serve a higher purpose. You see in return for every offensive, unfair, and belligerent contribution, we receive a magic coin. We then give this magic coin to Eustace the moon dragon, who then commits an act of great justice in the world. Were to change thing up and write fair and respectful articles it would violate the compact, sending Eustace into a insane rage wherein he would kill a thousand orphans a day. Is that what you want WTH? I’ll be sure to send their mothers your appolgies…were they not orphans..which they were.

Letter 4

The Arbitron 6500 sure is a versatile machine. Where did you get something powerful enough to calculate all those variables, durable enough to modulate the sarcasm, and sensitive enough to wash the tears off a skinless babies face.

Dr. Antoine Maladaptra

   Good Question Dr.. The Aribtron 6500 is a custom job made to my exact specifications, and paid for via a grant from the Otto von Bismark “help a brother out” foundation. Due to strict a confidentially agreement I cannot reveal the maker, but let’s just say I had to pull a few strings North of the South Korean border to get it done.

 On side note: Though I fear it’s growing power, I have become more and more dependant on it for my daily decisions. In the future expect to see : “AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks, The days of the week”, “AJ Valliant, arbitrarily ranks, His own egomaniacal tendencies” and “AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks, Exhausted gimmicks that he trots out because he can’t think of anything else to write”.


9 Responses to “Letter Day: Because we can’t, and we won’t, and we don’t stop.”

  1. HitTheRhodes Says:

    Personally, I’m waiting for “AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks AJ Valliant’s arbitrary rankings”.

  2. “Personally, I’m waiting for “AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks AJ Valliant’s arbitrary rankings”.

    Ahhh yeah, just think of the recursive glory. Though I fear it might send the Aribtron 6500 in into some sort of feedback loop.

  3. engtech Says:

    Just put a limit on the loop counter. It’s worth doing.

  4. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    I’m preparing to market a line of Eustace the moon dragon graphic tees for Old Navy.

    “Eustace is my homegirl” is my favourite thus far. I’ll ship out a box to the BE team now I know you’re doing your part.

  5. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    I believe that is the Panda/Bacteria phage alliance.

    freakin` war macrolide.

  6. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    What’s happened to my Valentines!?! :(

  7. engtech Says:

    I think it was the thought police.

  8. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Those bastards. *Burns a billboard of Big Brother’s face*

  9. NotMike Says:

    There is nothing I would like better than to sit in my living room and watch educational programming funded in part by the Otto von Bismarck “Help a Brother Out” foundation.

    And by Viewers Like You.

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