Multiphasic inferential assessment of readership: or, Sometimes a Ni**a gotta Stalk a B**ch

March 27, 2007

I am a peculiar mix of deeply self involved, and intensely curious. I’m largely indifferent to lives of my fellow people folk until they intersect mine: at which point I become fascinated and compelled to create a working understanding of the foreign influence. It doesn’t need to be a complete understanding, and I am very respectful of personal boundaries and privacy, but my brain churns ceaselessly until some sort of referential structure is in place. Were I a field mouse I’d be the sort that darts out into the meadow to get better look at a hawk…repeatedly.

In my online incarnation this tendency asserts it’s self as a need to track every comment and link back to its source, where I then try to create a real person from the skewed bits of identity left lying about. It’s a pretty unscientific process: mostly categorical generalization and self serving heuristic inference towards whatever ideal I feel like applying. In some cases the person(s) is intriguingly complex, or frustratingly obtuse enough to warrant forming a fuller understanding.  Back cataloges are probed. Pictures viewed. Blog rolls explored. The last is the most counter productive, as cool people inevitably have cool friends.

Eventually a cursory glance to assuage curiosity has become a massive project to map a social hierarchy, both the individuals and the abstract entity as a gestalt whole. Deadlines are missed; babies neglected…eyes dry up into twitching raisin like nubbies. Soon the madness sets in. Invented histories spawn paranoid thoughts; secret alliances and school girl cabals form against me.

Before long I’m hurling eggplants at passerby’s, demanding they tell me the secrets of the goblin king…secrets so foul they would surely blacken my spirit. All of which is to say: if you visit this site I will probably try and figure you out at some point. You can try and conceal your raw inner being, but I am very clever and my charm is such you will likely peal back the layers voluntarily anyways, in time. The only real escape is to ask me politely not to…which I will abide by…since I’m Canadian…and that’s how we roll. Dang it.


19 Responses to “Multiphasic inferential assessment of readership: or, Sometimes a Ni**a gotta Stalk a B**ch”

  1. NotMike Says:

    Originally, I was going to bait you into figuring me out. Only now do I realize it’s folly like that which invites your spiteful barbs.

  2. Ryan Says:

    Heh. I used to do that, but I’d be searching the social heirarchy of bloggers for hot chicks to date. So sad, but so true.

  3. w0rmwood Says:

    Searching the internet for hot chicks to date isnt sad, but i’ve always found it impractical.

    For every best friend who finds true love on a Marylin Manson message board, there’s a misguided acquaintance who flys down to Idaho to meet a hot 17 year old Korean girl and ends up spending the rest of their life playing ‘candy’ to a 58 year old ex-con called Sweet-tooth.

  4. I try not to date online people.
    You get a very skewed sense of there personality and form a bond based more on ideation, then reality. By the time you meet them in real life the waters are so muddied it’s hard to get clear sense of them, and if there is serious chemistry you tend to look past this. Also they could be a 45 year old dude.

    Anyways, I’m a pretty social guy in real life, so meeting flesh and blood ladies isn’t huge burden.

  5. “Only now do I realize it’s folly like that which invites your spiteful barbs”

    It’s your little whore outfits, and substandard tricking that invites my spiteful barbs. I don’t even know why I keep you on my roster.

  6. engtech Says:

    This post explains the entire reason why Facebook exists.

  7. max Says:

    Wow. You must have found me some interesting. Can I watch while you hurl the eggplants?

    [Wormwood, you do not really know someone who found love on a Marylin Manson message board that is just being colorful right?]

  8. engtech Says:

    No, he did. It was his step-mom. She made it into the Tainted Love video.

    She was one of the bunnies.

  9. brahnamin Says:

    this post almost seems like a challenge. ;)

    i’m just the opposite in that i quickly get bored and generally stop digging after the first shovelful or two.

    but there’s no real secret to figure out in me.

    i’m just a hapless *passive Depressive* groupie who, two days out of the week, has too damn much time on his hands.

  10. thekenji Says:

    In my opinion, what happens online should typically stay online.

    Of course, nowadays a whole lot can happen online so you know, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe I’d rather be having the most amazing relationship with a 57-year old plumber out there disguised as a sassy girl of 24, rather than face reality.

    On a side note, they should also market silicone breast-shaped mouses, where the trackwheel is the nipple.

  11. max Says:

    They did not let us watch Tainted Love videos at the orphanage. They had bunnies?

  12. w0rmwood Says:

    “Wormwood, you do not really know someone who found love on a Marylin Manson message board that is just being colorful right?”

    Actually, one of my best friends really did meet his true love on a Marylin Manson message board.

    It was years ago, when the inter-web was fresh and new. He was a first generation everquest-a-holic, she was a reformed Witch and single mom. He lived in Ottawa, she in California.

    They visited a few times, stayed long distance for about 2 and a half years… Eventually he decided that distance wasnt worth it and just up and moved to California.

    They got married last year in Vegas, her daughter was the bestman/maid of honor.

    They are expecting their first child together in May.


  13. w0rmwood Says:

    oh, and max:

    because nobody should do without.

  14. “i’m just a hapless *passive Depressive* groupie who, two days out of the week, has too damn much time on his hands.”

    And we salute you for it sir.

  15. max Says:

    Wow. Wormwood. That is so romantic.

    Also that is the first link I have feared since visiting here. Why am I afraid?

    Valliant, why cows? In this post?

  16. I just felt that foremost cow had a look of focused wary curiosity, like was an uncanny judge of human nature. Every time I glance at the image I can feel him sizing me up.

  17. max Says:

    It is a funny choice. Maybe sometime I will tell you why.

    Now I have to hunt Stilletto.

  18. monkey Says:

    i always suspected i had warm fuzzies for marylin … now i know.

    must have been the breakdancers

    nah, now that i think of it – it was the ‘goth thug’ license plate

  19. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    So…this is what happens when I disappear for a week. Interesting effect.

    I’ll save you some trouble. I am the goblin king’s chief gigalo: a 73 year old trucker named Hal with a fondness for goat love and a newly healed prince albert.

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