Letter 20; Can I get a dollar and some hands up

April 9, 2007


 I’ve spent three days asleep in the desert muchachos; filled with fever dreams and peyote poison. On the third day in the desert damp a coyote the size of a Frenchmen’s lament crawled down from the western sky and begged me to wake. “You’ve been gone from the world of men too long” said he “wake now and bring forth this wisdom : It’s letter day, and all of ye are doomed”.

 I think ya’ll know where this going. Let us get down to business.


Letter 1

You sure use the word Ni**er a lot. Aren’t you worried about everyone thinking you are racist, or at least deeply insensitive?

 Davil, Ahmed


 Actually, I mostly use the word Nigga, which is contextually defined as “a familiar person to whom you are expressing shock or incredulity”. In my group of friends (very multi ethnic group at that) the term is used playfully and affectionately…generally as a ironic means of highlighting our absurd crackerness and pretentions of ghetto fablosity. It is a good natured borrowing of hip hop culture, wholly devoid of malice or disrespect.

  The only time I ever used the word “Nigger” was in my Malcom X piece, and I feel its use was both artistically and social valid given the context. It is an ugly, potentially hurtful word…something that should be used judiciously, but not feared outright. Think of it as radiation: Unrestrained it sickens and weakens us, turns our body against itself. When harnessed for specific purpose it can fight that same sickness; the intent and careful application giving it a role in the healing process. When you fear a thing you empower it; and often that fear is over how we will be perceived, not over any harm we might cause.     

 So to answer you question: I have no concern about being seen as racist as there is no hate or bullying in my heart. Ethnocentrism…plenty, but no racial prejudice. As for being seen as deeply insensitive: that is a natural response to me actually being deeply insensitive.    


Letter 2

I have never had nickname in my life. All of my friends, family, and pets have nicknames, yet I do not. This is aunbalanced state of affairs make me feel indistinct and unmemorable. You are good with words, Can I get a nickname from you.

Dale Donovan.

Sure Dale. I bequeath you the name “Splunderchunks”. Use it wisely and well.


Letter 3

You guys are starting to get pretty popular. Are there any fringe benefits to your minor internet celebrity? Any plans to cash in on the site once you really start rolling?

Woolly Buffoon,

Scrimshaw Wisconsin

 Let me tell you something Woolly, there are nothing but fringe benefits to our minor internet fame. Ladies want to get with us; fellas want to be like us…and get with us. School children speak our name in hushed tones…tears trickling down their dewy cheeks. Old friends and family call at all hours of the night, heaping praise and wonderment upon us. Forrest creatures build strange obelisks of sticks and mud in our honor…the very internet slows and quivers in anticipation as we ease our rhetorical bulk deep within her infotronic confines…whole villages are sucked into mile long crevices, deep fissure torn by continental plates grinding out a echotorial refrain “BEEEEEEAAATTTSSSSS ENNNNTROOOOOOPPPPYYY”. Such is our majesty; such is our burden.

 As for cash plans: I doubt we will ever make a dime off this site. Don’t get me wrong, I would sell out in heartbeat if there was a way to make coin and still have it be fun…but that’s not too likely. As it stands there is enough benefit in terms of creative vent, ego gratification, and social experimentation that financial compensation is unnecessary.


Letter 4

Rank all the girlfriends you’ve ever had in order of best to worst. I’ll let you decide what criteria to use, and how much to weight them relative to each other. GO!

Celia Moncrief,

 I am actually fairly private about my romantic life, Celia. The inherent intimacy to the bond make it’s both unsuitable, and poorly translatable for public consumption. I am a firm believer that no one outside a relationship can properly understand the dynamic that exists with in it; nor can they properly assess the blame or credit each party deserves for the state of that relationship. So not only would it be an indiscrete betrayal of the intimacy that existed; it would likely be an inaccurate and misleading portrayal of the events that occurred.

  Only answer you’re going to get: I never dated anyone I didn’t think was wonderful; and I always hoped the best for them when it was over. Each experience was different, but they always belonged to the two of us and no one else.


4 Responses to “Letter 20; Can I get a dollar and some hands up”

  1. I am a firm believer that no one outside a relationship can properly understand the dynamic that exists with in it; nor can they properly assess the blame or credit each party deserves for the state of that relationship.

    Very true – I sometimes tire of having to delicately explain (actually, a more apt word would be JUSTIFY) my situation with the Old Man to those who exist outside the realm of our private world. As he says, we have a unique situation.

  2. engtech Says:

    I think next letter day should feature the rejects. No, not us, but rather the letters that get skipped over week after week.

  3. I look forward to that, Engtech.

  4. Solid Idea Engtech. Tomorrow I scrap the bottom of the mail bag.

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