5 things you do not know about Me (Don’t mind the meme Mam)

April 15, 2007

Stilleto Girl and Blond Assassin team tagged me so I suppose I will play ball.

 

1.I drowned my own father in the Athabasca River because I felt it would give me secret knowledge. It did not.


2. I was watching porn this morning wherein three slender young women were stacked naked on deck chair pleasuring each other. Once they really started to get into it I couldn’t help but notice how nice the patio lounger was, and how clearly taxed to it’s limits it was by the writhing column atop it. I couldn’t pay attention the sex type stuff anymore, as I was so upset over their reckless disregard for others people furniture…which they were likely breaking to the point it would endanger the safety of the next totem of sluts that attempted to mount it’s sturdy grandeur.

 

3. My cousin and I are currently engaged in hockey Jihad, as his filthy wretched Pittsburgh penguins are playing my noble and beloved Ottawa Senators. The state of affairs has torn our friendship, family bond, and emerging pulp and paper empire asunder. I believe tonight he will kill me…so I ask his forgiveness and that Jay finish my torrent downloads so those stolen comics may be passed on to my children.

4. Every day I sit on my cat and apply a little more weight. My hope is that, in time, she will become a serviceable beasts of burden to haul my crops from the valley to the river junction, where I can book shipping. So far this has only served to shorten my cats legs tremendously…driving them into her globular frame to the extent her sole means of locomotion is to bound about like a BarbaPoppa.

I fear the buckwheat harvest will be late to market this year.

 

5. I walk around strapped all the time since I have enemies. If the police are reading this they should know I will die before I go back to jail…and I’ll take as many people as possible down with me before I go.

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29 Responses to “5 things you do not know about Me (Don’t mind the meme Mam)”

  1. max Says:

    Wow I am Blond Assassin? I feel all lethal now.

  2. Jennifer Says:

    I’ve never had ‘feelings’ for a chair before.

  3. Anita Marie Says:

    Braiiinnnn Freeezzeeeeeeee
    Thanks again AJ
    amm


  4. For all his bitchin’ I bet AJ never wanted to be a chair so bad, either lol

    Blonde assasin. I like it!

    BTW, most excellent.

  5. Decker Cornelius Chair Says:

    For the last time Valliant, LEAVE ME ALONE!

    I don’t love you. What we shared that summer in Tuscany was infatuation and lust, NOT LOVE.

    Stop calling me, stop showing up at my house, and stop ‘finding’ internet clips of me and pretending their porn!


  6. Your words say no…but your supine back and peakaboo Maple finish say yes…yes…YESSS!

  7. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    ”your supine back and peakaboo Maple finish say yes”

    hilarious!

  8. max Says:

    Sheesh. I cannot compete with a peakaboo maple finish that will do girl on girl action to get attention.

  9. engtech Says:

    not without trying, at least.

  10. max Says:

    EngTech I think you have a bad boy streak.

  11. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Hockey Jihad is the best kind of Jihad. Ever. My best friend since sixth grade is pregnant with her first child and I’ve vowed to sacrifice it to the heathen gods in exchange for having the cup brought at last to Vancouver…before Linden gets to old to skate. Unfortunately, she’s a Flames whore and we may not be speaking to eachother when her kidlet’s born…I do hope the heathen gods aren’t averse to stolen sacrifices…

  12. Herb Says:

    yeah! chair porn! ride that wood!

  13. Woeful Says:

    Hockey jihad indeed… Only I’m a NY Rangers fan.
    All Madison Square Garden, all the time!


  14. But you’ve got a supine back, no, Max? Sometimes that is all that’s needed.

  15. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    No, no, I’m afraid a maple finish is a requisite.

  16. max Says:

    Jeez this is so complex. I asked my dermatologist and he said no no no to varnish and also I am sort of not into girl on girl couldn’t we just do something old fashioned like tie me down and break the bed sex?


  17. I am sort of not into ……

    That doesn’t sound like a definitive no. lol

  18. Stiletto Says:

    No, no, I’m afraid a maple finish is a requisite.

    Damn you people are picky! Sometimes a finish is just a finish!


  19. Please dont hurt your cousin it after all is only a game.Aj you said it SENS RULE. Atleast he’s not a Toronto fan!
    PS I know alot about you.

  20. TheFirm Says:

    I will be sending you a bill for professionally cleaning the keyboard that I soaked with Diet Coke upon reaching the item about the chair. I thought I was the only one who noticed minutae like that when watching porn. I somehow feel vindicated.

  21. Jennifer Says:

    I only watch porn for the funrniture. Did you see that lamp in Deep Throat?

  22. Stiletto Says:

    Do we have any Diet Pepsi drinkers here? Is everyone a Coke addict?

  23. TheFirm Says:

    Diet Pepsi? That’s just heresy.

  24. max Says:

    Pepsi is for the weak.

  25. engtech Says:

    The province of Quebec wishes to challenge you to MORTAL COMBAT

  26. max Says:

    Does that involve dice and getting naked?

  27. TheFirm Says:

    As long as Andrew Dice Clay isn’t naked.

  28. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    …Mortal Kombat was the one video game I got addicted to as a youngun…apart from Mario Bros…and mostly because my brother needed someone to mutilate. But I pretty much kicked ass, which in a round about way comes to what the Canucks are going to do to Ottawa in the finals…providing…well, let’s not go there. If hockey is religion, one must have faith.


  29. I would love to see an all Canadian final (even if it would tank ratings wise in the States). Before Bertuzzi broke the Canucks were my second favorite team…so it’s somewhat of no lose situation. Sadly the Wing are looking mighty this year, so It’s not too likely to happen.


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