Beats Entropy: Horoscopic Magnification

April 23, 2007

(Continued in PART 2)

No intro for the likes of you! On to the Horoscopes.

ARIES- March 21-April 19

I’m not going to sugar coat it, Aries: you are kind of a jackass and it is beginning to catch up with you. That long string of abandoned fosters kids, blinded kittens, and jilted fiancés you  thought left in past are coming home to roost. Karma is not just a bitch, she’s a whore…and she is going to wrap her ill fortuned legs (and misery spewing cooch) around every functional feature of your (up until this point) semi charmed life. A snail trail of woe and discord awaits you that would shame a Rwandan Doom Slug.

The destruction, I’m afraid…will to be total. If you make it out of this week with one charred oven mitt and most of your last name it will be a miracle.

My advice: Since you have hit karmic rock bottom you might as well enjoy it. Nothing you do can make your situation worse: so go down in a wave debacuhery and puppy stomping mayhem.

TAURUS April 20-May 20

On Saturday night the Bull beat the defending champion Heat 96-91 . Such an omen speaks to Taurus’s finding sudden power and transition in their lives. School will be conquered with an A+ average. Any trips taken will be intellectually and spiritually rewarding (and devoid of any and all dangers that could befall and good hearted Canadian girl). Those born this week will also manifest sudden and terrible Psionic powers, with which to wreak vengeance upon their enemies, and suffering upon their loved ones (should they choose to do as such).

GEMINI May 21-June 21

On the way to work this morning I witnessed a Crow wrestle a bear to the ground and strike it seven times with a silver hammer. I do not know where the Crow got such a hammer, or what the bear had done to earn his enmity, but those tiny blows only enraged the bear…who then mauled and ate the crow (silver hammer and all). The bear then died when the hammers claws shredded his intestines. The moral of the story: I need to sober up before going to work.

CANCER June 22-July 22

Cancer baby, who you kidding? Good cover in a gun fight don’t mean the law stops coming; and it don’t change the man that fired the first shot neither. It’s been a nice reprieve Cancer, but your world is about to return to a historically predicated state of complexity, chaos, and characteristic dysfunction.  Keep you head down, guns up, and eyes peeled for the next stack of barrels that might catch some lead.

LEO July 23-August 22

A parable from the Bible to held clarify the fate of Leo’s in the coming week

John 4:11

-And lo did the Romans cast Christ into a pit of lions. Each beast swiped at him but the lord was quick and the Lions weak from their hunger. “Come unto me Lions, and I will forgive your transgression. But come ye quick as mine hands are hard as stone and viper fast”. Verily the lions bowed before our savior, save one who snarled with wicked pride. Yea did the lord lament his choice, then swifertly leap upon the lions back. And many blows did Jesus reign upon the lions head until the tawny steed, shamed and bloody, leapt out of the pit  t’wards the wood. And ne’r was the lion seen again, nor the gimbled lord who rode him topwise.

What you should take from this Leo’s: Sometimes you need to let go of your problems before they take you some place you don’t want to be.

VIRGO August 23-September 22

Good news Virgos: this week promises more sex than a poorly chaperoned boy scout trip.  Blame it on the spring air, absentee father figures, or a last ditch attempt to quiet those nagging gender abouts; your promiscuity will be at an all time high. Bad News: after this week you will never have sex again. I’m sorry; I can’t explain further. You’ll know when it happens.

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18 Responses to “Beats Entropy: Horoscopic Magnification”

  1. w0rmwood Says:

    brilliant.

    I eagerly await my psionic powers, and promise to use them wisely.

    And by wisely i mean moderately.

    And by moderately i mean a lot.

    And by a lot i mean with malicious abandon.

  2. max Says:

    No Aquarius? No Capricorn?


  3. “No Aquarius? No Capricorn?”

    I need to further consult the auguries. While powerful, my prophetic gift can be somewhat capricious.

  4. max Says:

    Jeesh. I was robbed.

  5. max Says:

    Or not. Hmm. Aries took sort of a beating there.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Meh, Aries deserved it. Bunch of wankers.

    Missing a Pisces, too. But, yah. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing…

  7. Vanessa Says:

    Oops. That was me.

  8. Jive Says:

    Damn.. just when I thought being an Aries couldn’t get any worse (we are symbolized by a goat.. a creature known for being noisy, chewy, producing funny tasting milk, and a willingness to eat anything) I read this.


  9. I’m sorry, are you complaing about your birth signs name having a negative conotation…. to a CANCER. It wouldn’t pretty much have to Childrapist to be any less postive. The symbol would be a black van with a tear drop window in the back.

  10. thekenji Says:

    Hahahah, well done

    So… I’m a Leo with a Gemini rising sign. From your horoscope I deduce that… you’re high as shit.

  11. untao Says:

    *ahem*
    mine please, oh sighted-one?
    .

  12. w0rmwood Says:

    A believe there is an ancient Persian proverb that loosely translates to:

    “Pray yee not fuck with the mystics and soothsayers, for could that they fuck you back twice as hard with the 16′ wang of ill fortune.”

  13. max Says:

    That was sort of working for me till you got to the “16′ wang of ill fortune” part.

  14. w0rmwood Says:

    Don’t blame me, blame the Persians.

    Actually, I think that’s also a quote from both Frank Miller, and George W Bush Jr.

  15. max Says:

    Those are cats with smooshed noses and real fluffy tails, right?


  16. “*ahem*
    mine please, oh sighted-one?”

    Ask and ye shall receive.

  17. untao Says:

    …now that’s what I call service.

    danke, mr.
    .

  18. Stiletto Says:

    I think Cancer got off easy.

    Thank you Oracle Man.


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