Beats Entropy: Horoscopic Magnification, part 2

April 25, 2007

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

I can only assume the “Scales In Balance” symbol for Libra was intended as an ironic gesture: like a fat guy named Tiny, or French dude considered brave. The Libras in my life experience (both romantic and civilian) have been complex, brilliantly volatile, and balanced only in the sense they swung evenly between both extremes. A more suiting symbol: a hypnotic, razor edged pendulum that sends waves of pleasure arcing through you body with every cut. They are beautiful and engaging from a distance, but not made for those with careless hands or suspect judgement.

(editors note: Two of my three loves were Libras. Make what you will of that.)

It is with this mercurial nature in mind I cast out their fate…using the bones of Saint Diomanturria *casts bones and interprets patterns*

Lets See: I got a 6, 4, a skull shape, looks like a blue rock, half open sugar packet, mask of Vulcan, maybe a tableau of me and Henry Kissinger on a carousel.

*opens third eye and inputs data into the astral pyschoarbitron 6500*

The signs are pointing to you rescuing old loves from the forbidden caves of Devils Island (possibly held there by a bi sexual meso baritone with a heart of gold). In the process you will find untapped reservoirs of strength, wisdom, and peat moss. When you return to the mainland you will embark on a fabulously successful career in knitted puppetry and slam poetry…or Slam Knock Puppetry.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) *


Scorpio Scorpio, what have you learned?


Your blue grass was banging, but your banjo’s been burned.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec. 21)


Look to the Sky Sagittarius: you see that bright moon shaped object? That is the moon. The moon is not your friend. Deep within you there is affixed a crimson cord of coregasmic energy. That cord stretches out to the furthest reaches of Venus, back around Mercury, then returns to Earth to intermingle with your most shameful childhood memories. The moon lacks such a cord, and thinks you have stupid face…a most dangerous state of affairs.The growing tension between the Moon and your crimson cord will come to a head this week; resulting in a near total eclipse of the heart. Doubt, jealously, and generally falling apart awaits you. I would entreat you to turn around, bright eyes, but this sort of thing needs to happen every now and again.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)


Man, I can’t get past how comfortable that Sea Goat looks. Seriously; that dude is naked and lost at see…yet he clearly doesn’t have a care in the world. All sprawled back, dragging his feet in the water…so smoothed out on opium he’s chatting up the tail like it’s a mermaid. That alabastard is living a mythical high life I can’t even aspire to…and I’m supposed use my fortune telling gifts to aid his over privileged winter baby crew? Fuck that. No horoscope for the Fish Rams.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)


So they found a new Earth. I hope you are happy Astronomers; you just made this earth the used up high school girlfriend with Quarterback Boyfriend just accepted to out of state collage. I can already feel the attention of future academics/politicians/playwrights directed red sunwards (not to mention the love of our lion riding lord Jesus…who to be honest is probably looking for a fresh start after his last venture planet side).How does this affects you, Aquarius? Much like those whorestronmers, you are always looking for the next wrung on the ladder. No matter how a good a thing is it will never be enough…no love, job, or biosphere will slake your ever growing needs. This week the pattern will repeat: you will abandon your career, children, and hobbies to pursue your latest fascination. Disillusionment awaits you…but since you probably stopped reading halfway through this entry my wisdom will be lost to the void.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)


You’re a clown crusher Baby. A real rough customer with broken glass for blood, and a heart filled with Iocaine powder. I was talking to this spirit owl that lives behind a secret window in sky…he says this week you will finally get the vengeance you crave. Furthermore, the owl tells me this vengeance will be an unqualified successful, totally devoid of the usual sick crippling emptiness that supplants catharsis in most cases. You beat the Odds Sagittarius, keep living the hard life and sociopathic parnirvana awaits you.


26 Responses to “Beats Entropy: Horoscopic Magnification, part 2”

  1. max Says:

    Disillusionment is such a tragic future. Would doing the maple finish thing change destiny?

  2. max Says:

    [ps: what was the third love?]

  3. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    “The signs are pointing to you rescuing old loves from the forbidden caves of Devils Island (possibly held there by a bi sexual meso baritone with a heart of gold). In the process you will find untapped reservoirs of strength, wisdom, and peat moss. When you return to the mainland you will embark on a fabulously successful career in knitted puppetry and slam poetry…or Slam Knock Puppetry.”

    This is trippy…because I currently reside on Devil’s Island (peninsula, same dif), and have recently been informed that a lad I shared friendship and dirty thoughts with in high school is living here too…married to a Korean woman, but still. Also…I knit and write filthy rhyming tales for my loved ones. you have a gift.

    Also, nerdy comment #109: I think the scales are supposed to represent the search for balance, something Libra’s compulsively strive for but rarely attain?? At least that’s what I tell myself, when my own search fails and I find myself residing at one extreme or the next.

  4. Stiletto Says:

    They are generally aloof and uppity. Anti-earth.

  5. w0rmwood Says:

    present company excluded – of course …. right?


    Personally, while i can concede some interesting insights occasionally attained through the lens of astrology, I cant say i have ever gained enough faith in the predictions to generalize people according to their signs.

  6. Stiletto Says:

    Oh, this is from personal experience.

    Present company excluded, of course.

  7. max Says:

    Wormwood is not aloof. He gave me a marilyn manson youtube. That is chivalrous.

  8. w0rmwood Says:

    Thanks Max,

    but I am actually a Taurus, i was just trying to defend Bfat’s honor.


  9. max Says:

    Oops. I live in fear of Tauruses and May.

  10. w0rmwood Says:

    Whats scary about a bull all hocked up on spring?


  11. max Says:

    Behind the line Snorty Bull Man.

  12. John Gap Says:

    Here’s what we Scorpios have learned: To make great music ya sometimes gotta burn a banjo or two.
    ‘Tis better to have rocked and burned than to have never rocked at all.

  13. Heres what I learned:

    “The hand that rocks the cradle often serves time for shaken baby syndrome”

    Words to live by.

  14. thekenji Says:

    Here’s what I learned:

  15. max Says:

    Yet still I do not know what the third love was.

    Wow. Talk about disillusioned.


  16. Third love was a Taurus.

  17. untao Says:

    Heh. I like it. A razor-edged pendulum, it is.

    and I hate whatever sign the Libra-hater is. She’s prolly a Taurus. :)

  18. I believe the Libra hater (SG) is a Cancer; which is a fine sign by any standard.

  19. untao Says:

    Well then, your libra-love will cancel hers out, and it’s all good. The balance is restored.

  20. Stiletto Says:

    Cancers have moodiness down to an art form.

  21. Stiletto Says:

    But it is a fine sign indeed if I may say so myself.

  22. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    “but I am actually a Taurus, i was just trying to defend Bfat’s honor.”

    My honour appreciates it, but I can take the hate. Just not the “Anti-earth”…I’m a hippy for fucks sake:P

  23. Stiletto Says:

    No, no, anti-earth meaning Libra is air, Cancer is water, Taurus is earth. etc -I have found Libra boyfriends to be very aloof, not down to earth, hence anti earth.

    Anyway, my father is a Libra so I am really f*cking biased here. Nothing personal.

  24. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Yeah i got that..i was making a joke.

    But my Mum is one of those rare Libra’s who’s found her proper balance and she’s about the best woman I know so I guess that means….it all means nothing.

  25. Stiletto Says:

    You are lucky. My whole family is dysfunctional regardless of planetary positioning.

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