Beats Entropy Shame Scale

May 23, 2007

Earlier this morning a co-worker confessed that he was ashamed of a mistake that he’d made on his last call. When I pressured as to the exact level of shamedness he proved unable to quantify it. I dearly wanted to savour his sweet disgrace, but the lack of precise measure put me off my feed. It’s thus that I come up with an exact scale of shameful occurrence…that one might accurately convey how low they have fallen.

(OTHER ASSESMENT SCALES)


BEATS ENTROPY SHAME SCALE

0-Eatting a slice of delicious toast in the privacy of your own home

1-Having the slice of toast fall on the floor but eating it anyways

2-Farting at a public urinal

3-Forgetting your password in front of a Chinese Co-worker

4-Having your pants pulled down at a Harlem globe trotters game.

5– Falling down stairs/into a hole, as an adult.

6.-Receiving the lowest posted mark in a class you constantly spoke out/debated the other students in.

7.-Calling out your ex’s name during sex

8-Talking shit about friend who’s standing right behind you

9. Being forced to sneak out of a restaurant before ordering because the prices are much higher than you expected them to be.

10. Getting drunk enough you seize the mic to freestyle at a friends wedding.

11–Having your pants pulled down at a globe trotters game while you have a raging erection .

12– The bus driver catches you putting insufficient change in the box…but lets you on anyways because he feels sorry for you.

13-Using a racial slur around an ethnic friend you’ve known long enough to forget they’re not actually Caucasian.

14– Someone shaving “I’m dying alone” into your back hair after you fall asleep at the beach… and everyone assuming you did it yourself as a bid for attention.

15-Having an elaborate lie unravel piece by piece over the course of few days until all your credibility is gone.

16– Caught stealing women’s clothes from the goodwill box. (+1 if you get stuck inside it)

17– Getting drunk enough at your friends wedding you seize the mic and tearfully confess how long you’ve secretly been in love with the bride…and how bad this wedding is tearing up you inside.

18– Absent mindedly attending spontaneous sexy hot tub party in shit stained underwear. (+1 if the water changes colour)

18.5– Tripping and knocked a newbord baby from it’s mothers arms…knocking it onto the grass then having it roll down a hill into a bush, wherein it was retrived unharmed but covered with ants and candy wrappers.

19-Telling a prostitute you love her only to have her deny you service, and all the other girls taunt and jeer  you whenever you walk down whore alley.

20-The awkward drive to hospital with your best friend, after he walks in on you being mauled by his dog while trying to have sex with it.

*******

Shame Modifiers

-2 if your legally retarded or heavily intoxicated

-1 if this sort of thing happens all the time

-1 if you have shameless friends that savour awkward moments

+1 If someone warned you this exact thing was likely to happen

+1 If you own dog looks away in disgust

+1 If it makes the news (+2 if national coverage/posted on youtube)

+1 If it happened on a first date

+1 if strangers start laughing

+2 if witnessed by an ex girlfriend from a relationship that ended badly. (+3 if the new guy is there with her)

+2 If children start crying

+2 if it led to a public ass whuppin

+1 if you mom sees it/+2 if she starts crying/+3 if she whups your ass


OTHER ASSESSMENT SCALES

Shame

Ignominious Death

Creepy

Disappointment

Pettiness

Inappropriate comment

Legacy

 

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30 Responses to “Beats Entropy Shame Scale”

  1. w0rmwood Says:

    ok, that made my morning.

    My new goal is to get someone in my office to quantify a recent shame.

    =)

  2. thekenji Says:

    OMG, the modifiers alone can double your shame! hahahahah

    I must say AJ… you’re almost TOO insightful on this subject.


  3. I wasn’t born shamless Kenji…I had the shame seared from me. Now I can eat old baloney sandwiches out of my underwear in church, and feel nothing but a hollow ache.

  4. thekenji Says:

    “eat old baloney sandwiches out of my underwear in church”

    That sounds like a euphemism even

  5. Anita Marie Says:

    You make being human seem like a lot of fun.

    I once walked up behind a woman who was standing there telling some of our co-workers that I was sweet but ‘really, really slow ‘ because I never got jokes.

    Actually I never laughed at HER jokes because she wasn’t funny.

    Now, the look on her face WAS pretty funny when I said that. So I guess she isn’t completely hopeless.
    amm

  6. thekenji Says:

    Hmm, I just realized that if I were heavily intoxicated, shameful things happened to me all the time, and I had friends who savoured this sort of thing, eating a sandwich that fell on the floor would actually fill me with a sense of pride

  7. thekenji Says:

    Oops. I meant toast.

  8. David Kehoe Says:

    One time I tripped and knocked a womens baby from her arms. It fell on the grass and rolled down a hill into a bush. It’s wasn’t hurt but I figure that’s about as far up on the shame scale as I’ve ever gotten…maybe an 18?

  9. w0rmwood Says:

    I presume that the modifier for heavy intoxication refers to a later point at which sobriety has been regained and previous shameful acts are considered in the mitigating light of having been terribly intoxicated.

    That having been acknowledged, some acts cannot be mitigated.

    So where as the eating of floor-toast might well bring pride under the halo of inebriation, and its shame dulled by the acknowledgment of past intoxication, the biting shame of illicit scenes of narcoleptic romance between a passed out artist and a lusting vagabond captured on digital video and shared nation wide via streaming video are unlikely to be lessened.

  10. w0rmwood Says:

    Uh, of course, that last example was purely hypothetical.


  11. “One time I tripped and knocked a womens baby from her arms. It fell on the grass and rolled down a hill into a bush. It’s wasn’t hurt but I figure that’s about as far up on the shame scale as I’ve ever gotten…maybe an 18?”

    Thats pretty damn tight Dave. I’ma slot that in there at 18.5.

  12. max Says:

    I am thinking Valliant would have to fight the cat for floor toast and am betting on the cat.

  13. engtech Says:

    the cat is motivated, but slow and feeble

  14. max Says:

    There goes my bet.

  15. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Here’s the thing: There’s a time factor. If you’re talking about the dog you raped last weekend, it’s an entirely different thing from the dog you raped one time in your teens.

    example: when i was in hs, a misguided young lad made the woeful mistake of videotaping himself having sex with a plunger and then bringing the tape to school in his backpack, where it was dropped on the floor of the gents to be picked up by an unsuspecting upper classmen. Naturally, copies were made, and the footage was as widely seen as anything pyt(pre youtube).

    Now, at the time, the shame would be suicide inspiring. Nearly ten years later he’s a successful business owner who must, undoubtedly, rue the day he made eyes at that soft red plastic, but the pain must have abated slightly and along with it the shame.

    Time heals all

  16. The Plunger Says:

    How long must I wait?


  17. “misguided young lad made the woeful mistake of videotaping himself having sex with a plunger and then bringing the tape to school in his backpack, where it was dropped on the floor of the gents to be picked up by an unsuspecting upper classmen. ”

    That my friend…is a man who wanted to be caught.
    It doesn’t count as shame if you’re a plunger humping exhibtionist.

  18. idea-log Says:

    “Here’s the thing: There’s a time factor.”

    Actually, some people suffer from shame attacks much the way others suffer from anxiety attacks.


  19. “Actually, some people suffer from shame attacks much the way others suffer from anxiety attacks.”

    They’re called Catholics.

  20. Jive Says:

    I think you rated #9 too high. I mean leaving a restaurant like that isn’t so bad.. especially if they didn’t have the menu posted outside. It certainly isn’t half as bad as #20 I mean damn…. that’s pretty shameful… I’d ask how you came up with these but I think I’m better off not knowing.

  21. w0rmwood Says:

    I think #9 is a bit context dependent…

    but having done it, and even having had to do it in the context of some pretty early dating experiences, its pretty shame inducing (whether legitimately so or not).

  22. engtech Says:

    Now, at the time, the shame would be suicide inspiring. Nearly ten years later he’s a successful business owner who must, undoubtedly, rue the day he made eyes at that soft red plastic, but the pain must have abated slightly and along with it the shame.

    Does he sell plungers?

  23. thekenji Says:

    9 can be high because if one feels the need to sneak out of the restaurant rather than simply walk out, then the situation has probably already unraveled in such as a way to warrant the shame.

    Maybe the person announced they would treat their friend to dinner and then exuberantly helped them into their seat only to let out an uncontrollable whimper of despair after looking at the menu.

  24. idea-log Says:

    so where would “caught blogging about American Idol by the guys at the kickboxing academy” rank on the old shame-o-meter?


  25. “so where would “caught blogging about American Idol by the guys at the kickboxing academy” rank on the old shame-o-meter?”

    My brothers in arms know I’m a deeply flawed human being. It’s part of my limitless charm.

  26. Mike Says:

    I’m concerned about these modifiers… are they overall or specific to the situation. If they are overall I managed to get +4 this morning from toast eating alone! (I was told I was likely to eat toast, the dog looked away in disgust, most likely to lack of sharing, and a child started their impression of a screecher monkey outside)

    Also does this system reset based on a single event cause I’m concerned that if I should go make myself yet another slice of delicious toast I could get bumped to +8 and it’s barely noon. That’s a lot of shame to carry around for the rest of the day.


  27. You need at least a shame factor of one for the modifiers to come into play. Multiple events have some effect if chained togther but not a direct addition.
    Eating toast alone is one of the purest of lifes pleasures and should never be referenced in vain.

  28. Mike Says:

    Whew, I have to say I was concerned that this system of shame was not fairly balanced (ok the kid next door will just not shut up today… where was I?) Right balanced, see I like a nice fair set of rules, don’t even get me started on how stupid it is that the Grudge can’t be killed. (though I didn’t watch part two, did it die in that one?)

    End random thoughts, begin enjoyment of toast

  29. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    1.”How long must I wait?”

    Have patience, dear boy

    2.”That my friend…is a man who wanted to be caught.
    It doesn’t count as shame if you’re a plunger humping exhibtionist.”

    Does shame seeking qualify as a modifier? IT WASN’T LISTED!

    3.”Actually, some people suffer from shame attacks much the way others suffer from anxiety attacks.”

    There comes a point when people are just proving that they like punishing themselves.

    4.”Does he sell plungers?”

    Nah, some computer…thing

    *claps the dirt off her hands* I think that takes care of that


  30. farting *in* a public urinal…


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