Letter Day 66: The lesser of two evils

May 28, 2007



 I’ve got two tickets to the tractor pull and a hat full of sunshine. Who wants to be my new live in gadabout? No takers? On with letter day then.


My friends girlfriend called me douchebag. I was a little offended but tried to play it off as a joke, so I stopped a passing girl and asked her if I was a douche bag. She  was good looking, and said yes with such authority It got me wondering. My questions-

1.   What exactly is a douche bag?

 2.   How can I tell if I am one?

Reference: I am a 28 year old banker/aspiring writer, have excellent hygiene and drive a fairly new Mercedes.  

Mark Anton,


It’s not looking good on the Douchebag front, Mark. The fact you referenced the kind of car you drive in a brief personal description is akin to track marks on a vicodan enthusiasts arms: it’s not proof he’s bottomed out as a junkie, but the evidence strongly supports the supposition.   

 The technical definition varies a lot, but in my neck of woods is lays out as such:

 Low character, grating, superficial jackass with an inflamed sense of self worth and entitlement. It’s more state of mind than objective taxonomy though, so you really need to assess it on a case by case basis.


Some Handy signs you can look for

         refers to other men as “Buddy” or “Guy”

         Brags about cheating on trusting girlfriend

         Works net worth/value of watch/brand name of clothing into casual conversation

         Talks poorly of every friend/girlfriend/co-worker the second they leave ear shot

         Make unfunny put down jokes then gets chuffed when someone wants to kick his ass


             Where do the following rank on the shame scale

1-Falling down on an escalator you are going the wrong way on.

2-Stealing the parking spot of a holocaust survivor then telling them to “get a job old man” when they complain.


3-Finding out your child is named after your wife’s ex, whom she still holds a torch for…when you read about it on his blog.


4-Bragging to your friends about the awesome new centaur you’ve been riding around town on… only to find out it’s actually Sarah Jessica Parker.

Bob Inderhof,

Iqualuit bay

 1:  a solid 11.5 (though there is most likely a modifier that will be applied given the amount and  reaction of the fellow riders)

2: That’s just good clean fun. No shame quotient.

3: Damn Baby…that’s anywhere from 17-19 depending how widely read the blog is, and how attached you are to the kid. If you drown the little tyke right after you could knock it down to a 14 with a solid message sent to future shamers.

4: I’ve been there my friend…and it was not pleasant. I’ll give it 16, bumped up to 17 if any of your friends have real centaurs (or happen to be Mathew Broderick).


 The marketing guy is such smug motherfucker I can’t walk by his desk without wanting to cram a pencil in his shit brown eye. All the sales people in our company are so phoney and smarmy I can barely make it through the day. How can I ameliorate this situation?

 Lara Quesit

Effertonvale, CO

Let them know that one more condescending smirk will force you to initiate a dire and irrevocable Smarmagedon: wherein you lay two fisted vengeance upon the entirety of the sales department. Should he fail to heed your warning you must cast him lengthwise into a garbage chute, then barrage him with spoiled milk and handicap washroom effluent…until he dies.You need to be sure that rank corpse stays there for days to really get your message across.


I am an aspiring writer. Where do you get your inspiration?

How do I become more inspired and creative?

Rumble Tummy,

Slipshod, GA

Some folks will tell you creative ability is the result of innate talent developed through hard work, education, and exposure to varied experiences. Those people are fucking assholes that want to deny you the sweet fruit of artistic fulfillment. If you really want to be a creative dynamo you needs to practice the 3 M’s.  

The 3 M’s

Magic crows; what you let drink your blood in exchange for Corvine wisdom

Massachism, of the emotional sort. Only truly wretched turmoil and dysfunction sculpt the necessary aberrant perspective, and fuel the shame/despair furnace need to produce quality work. Try falling in love with a drug addict that loathes you.

Maybe you should ask someone who’s not a sarcastic prick with highly suspect literary credentials.


9 Responses to “Letter Day 66: The lesser of two evils”

  1. Sarah Allura Says:

    ” If you drown the little tyke right after you could knock it down to a 14 with a solid message sent to future shamers.”
    I’m sorry, did you just advocate drowning a child as misogynistic punishment for his wife poor judgement?

  2. I didn’t advocate any specific course of action. I was just laying out the scoring implications…which he may or may not take into consideration when he happens to walk by the “inconspicuous sacks and quality lead toys” store.

  3. idea-log Says:

    “I’m sorry, did you just advocate drowning a child as misogynistic punishment for his wife poor judgment?”

    The question wasn’t “what should i do when i discover X” it was “how does this shame rank on the Beats Entropy Shame Scale?”

    I think, while perhaps morally suspect, noting that certain courses of action might adjust the shame ranking is just doing one’s due diligence as a ‘Shame Ranking’ expert.

  4. engtech Says:

    I thought “practicing the 3Ms” meant writing everything down on post-it notes?

    (I’m here all week folks)

  5. max Says:

    Oh you sweet talker you just know girls are push overs for post it abuse.

  6. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Smarmageddon for the win. I’ll head up the Asian front. But falling down up escalators is nothing to feel shame about – especially when it causes wounding serious enough to call for stitches. Now THAT’s just good clean fun.

    Also..this guy –> Bob Inderhof, Iqualuit bay …adds some serious CanCon merit to the site. You should bring him on board and seek funding from the CRTC

  7. Richard Says:


    Okay, you are — hands down — one of the funniest and most clever writers out there. I used to think that I had a way with a phrase but I am so outgunned and outclassed it’s not funny. On the other hand, though, it gives me something to aspire to.

    The only complaint I have is that you don’t post nearly enough.

    I am in awe.

  8. Your 3 M’s are great, but implementing your advice might get in the way of my napping.
    My quality in blogging keyword is PISS.
    Pandering: People enjoy erotic eBay art with retarded descriptions, people get erotic eBay art with retarded descriptions.
    Immitation: Read the top blogs, do exactly what they do (less 10% for legality sake). Originality is for those who have nothing better to do.
    Sodomy: You don’t have to write about it. Just throw the word around occasionally, for the sake of interesting keyword searches.
    Substance: Use plenty of them. I recommend the illicit variety.

  9. jeroen Says:

    Hi, all. Nice site…I really like your site ! Good job man.n

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