PANDEMIC ALERT (modern media style)

July 3, 2007

In local news today, no sources explicitly denied that a new strain of the H9Y virus (a virus that nobody at the World Health Organization claimed wasn’t linked to Avian Bird Flu) had mutated sufficiently to become an air born contagion.

The new purported air born strain of H9Y, it has been surmised, may potentially have symptoms including (but neither limited to nor confirmed as): internal bleeding, menstrual spotting, celiac onset, hair loss, topical irritation, death, gastric-intestinal bloating, and cause the recently deceased to mindlessly rise from the grave craving the sweet tang of human flesh.

Several of these symptoms have been reported across the globe, with almost 840000 North American men admitting to some symptomatic hair loss since 2004. While there have been no confirmed sightings of any walking corpses, some experts have suggested a long history of corpse-reanimation. Douglas McTyre, formerly of the English department at MIT, noted in an unpublished manuscript that “zombies have existed in stories for over three centuries.” Similarly, in a recent cook book, Sumita Nhoora suggested that “most folklore and mythology has its basis in reality.”

Without official comment from any medical experts, who have neglected to comment on this potential catastrophic outbreak, one can only surmise the level of financial and social devastation such a pandemic might produce.

Already in the last 48 hours, there have been several reports of violent incidents in several North American city centers. Despite no evidence that these incidents are connected to a possible H9Y infection, police and rescue workers have been unable to unequivocally deny the possibility of the diseases involvement.

Sergeant Larry Boite of the LAPD went on record as saying he “wasn’t a doctor” and that he “couldn’t definitively comment on the health of the suspects” in what is initially being labeled a gang related shooting.

Similarly in Madagascar, several government officials admitted that they had no emergency pandemic plan, in the event of a H9Y viral outbreak. Indeed, some medical doctors conceded that they had not even heard of the H9Y virus.

Clearly, as this potential threat continues to have undefined impacts across the globe, more needs to be done to guard against any unforeseen or unimagined consequences. Republican Senator Olivier Johnson suggested that such an illness “would clearly suggest a need for citizens to remain well armed and suspicious of anyone out of the ordinary.” Likewise, north of the border, Canadian politician Joe ‘Rock Voisine’ Bertrand, suggested that “a closed border immigration policy might potentially slow the spread of any contagious outbreak.”

As we continue to monitor this developing story, we will endeavor to bring hourly updates as to how this growing threat could impact your daily lives, until such a time as we are unable to do so.


4 Responses to “PANDEMIC ALERT (modern media style)”

  1. Jive Says:

    You could definitely get a job at Fox News or the Republican party.. they probably share the same HR department anyway

    Remember the key to being ready for zombies:

    Organize before they rise!

  2. John Gap Says:

    Well done, sir. Well done.

  3. “In local news today, no sources explicitly denied that a new strain of the H9Y virus ”

    Any news article that begins like that has my full attention

  4. jess Says:

    hahaha bravo! :)

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