Letter Day 88: Racing towards indecency

July 17, 2007

 

The only advice my Grandfather ever gave me was “If you’re going to kill a clown make sure he’s dead. Cause they got’s long memory and lots of friends“. He died peacefully in sleep twenty years later. Fucking clowns! I dedicate this Letter Day to his memory. Let us, get down, to business.

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I don’t think you use real letters. Or if you do, your fans are just as caustic and biting as you are.But i could be wrong. It happens. So here goes nothing. Do you beat your entropy often? Or do you find as you get older you only need to beat it every now and again? “What advice would you give to young readers who might want to beat their entropy? Do you have any tips that might make it a more pleasurable experience? Or are you one of those who believes that beating one’s entropy should be an inherently unpleasant experience.If i got fan letters like this one I’d use fake letters, too.

+++Cardboard Casanova

 We get this question a lot: we are shortcutting liars by nature, so folks tend towards the sceptical. In truth our readers are indeed caustic and biting (both the rhetorical and  tooth gnashing kind) as a result of their crippling emotional problems. They lash out/confide in us since we rarely judge (and when we do judge it usually pretty funny).

 On to your specific questions:

“Do you beat your entropy often?”

  1. You can’t Beat Entropy, son. As long as you exist outside a static singularity there will always be a decay from what once was, to what is, to what will be. Would you has us sacrifice time, motion, and all degree of variation and speciation just to vindicate some childish wordplay? Should we collapse the universe into a null point just so you and your tittering grade school chums can glean a few nano seconds of pleasure from the absence of fundamental tendency?  How dare you sir; I find you irresponsible in the extreme.

“What advice would you give to young readers who might want to beat their entropy?

  • 2. First off : I would hope that any decent parent would have the good sense (and domestic oversight) to keep anyone classifiable as young, the hell away from this sight. I’m a firm believer that children should get their hate filled demagoguery at home, from their parents…where it can be put into proper context. My kids (Lucifer and Ricochet) get beaten with an Iron belt should they even hear someone talking about this site.

Second off: I would advise them to seek out a more age appropriate pursuit: such as smoking, look tough in front of bowling alleys, and setting fire to hobos that think they still have some shred of human worth.

“Do you have any tips that might make it a more pleasurable experience?”

3.  have you learned nothing from my first answer, Cardboard? I swear an oath against you sir.

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Your job sounds pretty boring. What do you do to entertain yourself.

Klaus Hopshead

 Nothing successful. I try just about everything, though. One of my favourites is to answer some calls like I was an old time farmer who’d been asked advice by passing gentry (out to see the countryside).

Example: I might respond to someone not being able to login, as such-

AJ:  Some says the networks down over yonder…but I don’t ken by that, hear ya’. Seems to me (as it were) yur accounts ain’t what they should be… speakin getting inwise. Now I can’t says it fur true…but I reckon that thar capslocks be trifling you fearsome. If’n that don’t solve ya, could be yur pressin threesome when you should be foursome…on account of them fat little city boy hands.

 It gets old pretty quick, so after a while I start mixing in antiquated racial slurs to get a rise of out them.

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I’m a big fan of dog racing but can never pick the right dog. Do you have having any tips for picking a sure winning.

Davin,

 If Bugs Bunny has taught me anything (and it has taught me many thing) it is this: the race will unfold in the fashion which allows for the most amusing name interaction. I picture the call going as such.

Announcer: Drunken mother stumbles out of the gate…Grandfathers Hug is a inch away from Bad Touch and keeping close… Repressed Memory pushing hard for the lead.

Announcer: Baldspot is giving way to Daddies New CameroIll-conceived making a pass at School Girls Folly on the rail… Eloquent Stranger driving  Drunken Mother hard into the wall…Middle Aged Abortion comes out of nowhere to inject some drama into the race.

Announcer: Baldspot is receeding…Daddies New Camero is running out of gas late…Schools Girls Folly is overtaken by Bad Touch in an aggressive move…Statutory forces it’s way up front…Oh my lord, Grandfathers Hug has just exploded past Repressed Memory to take the win.       

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6 Responses to “Letter Day 88: Racing towards indecency”

  1. Jive Says:

    I will attend any sports event you are the announcer for AJ.

  2. Stiletto Says:

    So is it safe to say that if you’re a hobo without a shred of delusional self worth then you are exempt from death by fire sacrifice?

  3. Andy the Aardvark (AJ's spirit animal) Says:

    Hey AJ,

    I have a letter for you:

    Dear AJ – Eat Bawls!

    Love,
    your EX-spirit guide Andy

  4. Stiletto Says:

    I thought AJ’s spirit animal resided in a horse named Statutory.

    Imposter!

  5. engtech Says:

    “could be yur pressin threesome when you should be foursome”

    was probably the creepiest thing AJ has ever said to me while under the influence.


  6. I sometimes find myself speaking with a variety of English accents, when teaching in plain old West Canadian get’s old. Screws the kids right up.

    your kids have the bitchenest names.


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