Beats Entropy: Disappointment Scale

July 22, 2007

Hope is mile high ladder with no warning on the top step: we all fall off in time, question is how high we bothered climbing in the first place. Here at BE we are all about fine measurements and deflated achievement…thus we give you the –

Beats Entropy Disappointment Scale (that you might gauge your climb accordingly).

  • 0Eating a piece of delicious toast.
  • 1Getting your hopes up for a piece of delicious toast, yet having to make due with the misshapen breadheel cringing at the bottom of the bag.
  • 2Pulling on comfortable sock that has unexpected hole in toe.
  • 3Going in for a handful and encountering a bra stuffed with tissue.
  • 4The first time you have sex.
  • 5 Only having enough milk to moisten the bowl of cereal you just poured.
  • 6 A congenial stranger waves at you, so you wave happily back thinking you made

a new friend…only they were waving at some dude behind you.

  • 7 The moment you realize that were you much smaller your pet would happily kill and eat you…so it’s probably just bidding it’s time, waiting for a weak moment.
  • 8Witnessing a narrowly avoided car accident outside your window.
  • 9 The first time one of those “I love you, I love you not” flowers ripped your  heart out. [1]
  • 10 Doing the right thing being its own reward.
  • 11 Having what felt like a satisfying crap, only it’s so hydrodynamic it slipped down the drain before you could catch a gander at it…robbing you of the closure and certainty a viewing would provide[2].
  • 12 Turns out Santa Clause doesn’t give presents to poor people.
  • 13 Lets just be friends.
  • 14 Finding out a promised moustache ride is to be down a perilous mountain trail… on an actual giant ambulatory moustache[3].
  • 15 Two weeks into dating the girl of your dreams.
  • 16 Rifling through your Dads special drawer and discovering every video is homebrewed art house porn of fat aunt Cecilia. [4]
  • 17 Your wife (to be) waiting until you are at the alter to reveal she is actually your arch nemesis in disguise [5].
  • 18 Going in for a handful and encountering a bra stuffed with murderous scorpions.
  • 19- Finding out your best friends was a low life Narc who gained your trust so he can bring down the syndicate you worked so hard to build.
  • 20 Praying away Cancer [6].

**************

[1] You don’t know me flower! You don’t know the first fucking thing about my life.

[2] This has honestly spawned mini existential crisis’s where I question whether a thing can posses substantive reality if only experienced via one sense.

[3] I assume it would kind of undulate along in bristly inchworm fashion.

[4] The Disgust and Shame Quotient is actually much higher than Disappointment in this case. If you watch the whole thing bump it three points (due to the self disappointment that would accompany such an act).

[5] Minus three points if you always sort of had a thing for your arch nemesis.

[6]Well….attempting to do so. Successfully praying away Cancer would be like a 4 on this scale (only because: where do you go from there?

OTHER ASSESSMENT SCALES

Shame

Ignominious Death

Creepy

Disappointment

Pettiness

Inappropriate comment

Legacy)

 

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30 Responses to “Beats Entropy: Disappointment Scale”


  1. #5 is so much awesome! The worst part is, once a tiny bit of milk has splashed onto the cereal, it can’t be safely poured back into the package, and it won’t keep til you run to the store for more milk.

    I’ve had many a morning ruined by under-milked fruity pebbles.

  2. max Says:

    Does #17 mean the wedding is off?

    [How much time do you do if they bust you breaking open a mailbox to withdraw previously mailed invitations?]


  3. Max: Of course the wedding isn’t off! AJ and I are still to be married. As soon as we meet, and he falls in love with me. Then he’ll be mine all mine!!

    muhahuhaaaahaha
    (I never did get the hang of the evil laugh)


  4. “Does #17 mean the wedding is off?”

    Depends on wether the caterer has been paid.


  5. Bagel: I’m not really the marrying kind.

  6. Webomatica Says:

    Number 7 is scarily true.

  7. max Says:

    “Depends on wether the caterer has been paid.”

    Well not exactly “paid.” I gave him your weights as collateral against a deposit though….


  8. “18- Going in for a handful and encountering a bra stuffed with murderous scorpions. ”

    Look. Sometimes, certain measures need to be taken to protect oneself from overzealous advances and lowered inhibitions. It’s usually nothing personal. Now…if it’s a handful of puppies with rabies, I think you can fairly take that as a direct insult.


  9. AJ: It’s ok, I’m already married anyway

  10. Rodney Says:

    I keep telling you man…I wasn’t a Narc…it was that other guy. You know the one with the limp…and the comb over, even though we were in 9th grade.

  11. HitTheRhodes Says:

    AJ: I keep getting these phone calls from a Mr. JJ Vallon… Something about the DJ wants his money or else he’ll keep that Poison CD you wanted him play for the first dance…

  12. Monkey Says:

    I concur, no.7 holds more truth than one might think.

    No.15 is also pretty fly, although I would venture that being dumped by the girl of your dreams who did not cease to be one after the said two week period is probably in the 17 to 18 points range.

    Footnote [2] made me giggle like a Japanese school girl.

  13. Sabre Tooth Says:

    “You don’t know me flower! You don’t know the first fucking thing about my life.”

    AJ – I laugh every time I read this cuz I can just hear you saying it!

  14. engtech Says:

    The funny thing is, that flower really DOES know a lot about his life.

    AJ, if you would only stop pouring your heart out to every flower you pass by then maybe they’d stop judging you so.

    “She loves me even though she won’t return my phone calls”
    “She loves me not”
    “She loves me even though she’s sleeping with the mailman”
    “She loves me not”
    “She loves me even though our son looks nothing like me”
    “She loves me not”

  15. thekenji Says:

    I like how every system of quantitative value that AJ uses seems to start with a base of delicious toast.

  16. engtech Says:

    This explains the day he smuggled toast out of Ada’s in his pocket.

  17. engtech Says:

    … and brought it to the movies with him.

  18. Feel-ya Says:

    Sabra… you beat me to it. The footnote to #9 is even funnier because I can hear AJ’s voice saying it.

    Amazing disappointment scale AJ! Helarious.


  19. “I like how every system of quantitative value that AJ uses seems to start with a base of delicious toast.”

    Because toast is the only pure and blameless thing in this world. It is from that state of inoffensive breakfast grace than all thing lesser things descend.

  20. max Says:

    “Because toast is the only pure and blameless thing in this world.”

    Wow, that is exactly what the guy said to me last time I got toasted and smeared in butter. Serendipity.


  21. If toast is pure, what is fresh bread, it’s precurser? What comes before pure? If you eat your bread without toasting, are you robbing it of its only chance to achieve purity, which is perhaps a noble goal instead of a natural state of origin? Or are you just consuming some form of foetal purity, not yet developed enough to be worth the trouble?


  22. Bread is born in a state of Sin then is purfied by the righteous heat of the toaster. Four slice toasters impart extra decency…any more than a four slicer pushes you dangerously close to Icarian hubris.

  23. Rodney Says:

    What about melba toast?

  24. thekenji Says:

    I never realized my toaster was such an engine of piety and penitence. But it makes so much sense now…

  25. Feel-ya Says:

    “…purified by the righteous heat of the toaster.”

    Amen.

  26. Stiletto Says:

    I love to start my day with a hot buttered slice.


  27. Hm…my toaster might be a scary fundamentalist. It either burns or produces warm, yet still limp, bread.

  28. Stiletto Says:

    Maybe you just don’t know how to work it.


  29. Alas, my clumsy failed attempts at toaster handling have been unearthed. This is worse than the time someone chucked me out of bed for breaking his johnson and then rented a billboard on which to commemorate the event :(

  30. max Says:

    Okay I so want a billboard like that. I am in awe, Bare.


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