Everyday Heroes: Tim Donaghy

July 25, 2007

  I’m not a perfect man: I’ve urinated in the bathroom sink at work, I’ve stood in line to get a blowjob from a retarded girl at a frat party….and I might starve my cat when I’m low on litter and don’t feel like going to the store…but I’m a hero in my own right. Perhaps hero is too strong a statement; let’s just say I have moments of heroism (relative to my situation) that are not entirely overwhelmed by the general indecency with which I lead my everyday life.

 Much like the careless child that plunges heedlessly into well and becomes a hero by continuing to breathe long enough to be pulled out by strangers, I (and others) am elevated by occasionaly salvaging a situation from becoming a worst case scenario. It is with this marginally noble sentiment in mind that I present you with the Inaugural edition of :

Beats Entropy’s: EVERYDAY HEROS

   Tim Donaghy

Who’s this dude: (recently disgraced) Referee Tim Donaghy put in thirteen hard years of back breaking whistle blowing and hand gestures for the National Basketball association of America. Recently it was discovered he was manipulating games (possibly at the behest of the Gambino crime family) to cover the point spread, affect winner outcome, and keep in line the giant darkies that incurred his wrath.    

Why He’s a Hero:

Like every 5’7 angry Irish guy from Philadelphia, Tim dreamt of being an NBA baller. Channeling his rage/shame and insecurity into athletic prowess Tim became a decorated high school athlete, and serviceable collage player at Villanova. Eventually his dreams of pro athleticism hit a runty jug eared wall that even his tiny handed cartoonish need to overcompensate could not scramble over.

 A lesser man would have walked away beaten and disillusioned, but not “Dirty” Tim Donaghy. Following the old adage “If you can’t beat them, officiate them” Tim joined the ranks of the Zebra’s. Starting in the CBA Tim eventually used his family connection to secure a job Reffing (rigging) games in the NBA. What better way to lash out at enterprise denied you then undermining, and eventually destroying the integrity of it.

  Tim hit the vengeance trifecta: Line your own pocket with gambling dividends, manipulate and oppress your athletic betters, and bring down the league that employed you (but denied your ultimate ambition).

 For securing high profile justice for petty little men everywhere I put forth Tim Donaghy as Beats Entropy’s first: Everyday hero.

Note: He’s also know to bust out a sweet Uncle Rico [1] when he suspects the game cameras are upon him.

[1] The act of crossing your arms with fist under biceps to create the illusion of buffness…ala Napoleons Dynamites Uncle Rico.


6 Responses to “Everyday Heroes: Tim Donaghy”

  1. Rodney Says:

    You should do an everyday villain on Vick.

  2. …That retarded girl was my cousin. You broke her jaw, you asswhipe.

    And this guy reminds me of a gym teacher I had who died of a ‘roid enduced heart attack during the terry fox run…he was sitting at his desk, the students were running.

  3. I wash my face in that sink!

  4. Monkey Says:

    That was a very solid piece of satire AJ … :]

    Andthe thing aobut not feeding your cat when you’re low on litter … that was gold. Put a tear to my eye.

  5. Is it…bad that i just now noticed I spelt asswipe, asswhipe?

  6. engtech Says:

    we thought you were british.

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