BEATS ENTROPY CREEPY SCALE

August 5, 2007

My friends and I like to play a game called Creepy touch…well I like to play it, my friends sort of endure it. The goal of this game is to transgress against the common boundaries of decency and personal space until they shudder and cringe away. Through this game, and years of intensive study, I have acquired a profound understanding of the fundaments of creepiness. Out of love and spite for you, my Children’s, I bring forth my knowledge that you might sup of it.

——————————————————————————

BEATS ENTROPY CREEPY SCALE

  • 0- Eating a delicious piece of toast at your kitchen table
  • 1- Eating a delicious piece of toast in the bathtub while talking to someone on the phone
  • 2- Comb over’s.
  • 3- Ex’s who suddenly become good friends with your friends after you break up.
  • 4- Not rocking out to Enter Sandman while drunk with others [1].
  • 5 That jar of pickled eggs they have at sketchy bars… that people won’t even sit near unless the place is really busy.
  • 6- Silently mouthing the words of the magazine you are reading.
  • 7- That unexpected moist warmth when you (unknowingly) sit on a couch a fat/sweaty person recently vacated.
  • 8- Adult men under 5’5  [2].
  • 9- Guy’s who hold the back of their girlfriends neck when they walk with their arm around her.
  • 10- Two male friends wearing the exact same outfit [3]
  • 11- Listless petting zoo animal with an oozing eye infection.
  • 12- Some dude repeatedly (and oh so lightly like it’s a gentle little accident you will laugh about later in bed) brushing his thigh against yours while sitting beside you on the bus [4].
  • 13- Individuals who’s first and last name are almost the same…ala John Johnson, or Stuart Stewart (since any parent who’d engage in such crushing banality would almost certainly have molested their children as well).
  • 14- That old guy (in ball bearing 70’s athletic shorts) that I see jogging every day, with his inexplicable pale saggy legs…even though he jogs everyday, so they must be getting a lot of sun!
  • 15- Walking by an abandoned car full of “sleeping” children, on a fine and sunny July afternoon.
  • 16- Hare lipped people making out.
  • 17- Your newly divorced (and drunken) uncle telling you what a bouncy young women you’ve become…maybe asks you take a drive with him down to the old camp ground; go swimming and play ookie hugs.
  • 18- Licking your cracked and puss bleeding cold sore with while attempting smouldering eye contact with a sexy lady on the bus (letting her know that all this could be hers if she played he cards right)
  • 19 The cafeteria at a rundown old folks home [5].
  • 20- Making smouldering eye contact with sexy lady on the bus while licking her cracked and puss bleeding cold sore (letting her know that she’s played her cards right and that all that is your’s).

—————————————————————

[1] Alternately a dude actively (and non Ironically) rocking out sober to a Britney Spears track is equally creepy…and let me tell you something: I’ve done it, and I’ll probably do it again. In my defence Toxic is pretty damn catchy.

[2] Asian men not withstanding.

[3] +2 if they are proud of the fact. +3 if it happens all the time

[4] A lot of creepy shit happens on the bus. I once (early New Years day) accidentally exposed myself for the better part of a half hour on the #118 Kanata.

[5] To Fully appreciate how creepy this you need to look past the obvious display of crippled and despairing death reminders, and focus on the sounds that emanates from them during feeding time: a sort of slurping, mewling dyspeptic smush… like a weeping and broken slug being dragged to the gallows.


OTHER ASSESSMENT SCALES

Shame

Ignominious Death

Creepy

Disappointment

Pettiness

Inappropriate comment

Legacy

 

Advertisements

9 Responses to “BEATS ENTROPY CREEPY SCALE”


  1. So…. my love of short, coldsore licking equally-dressed ex’s buddies is wrong?

    Yay! I’ve always wanted a fetish.

  2. max Says:

    Oh jeez. #20 is freaking gross Valliant.

  3. engtech Says:

    Hence why it is #20 :)

  4. engtech Says:

    Toxic + foursies + waiting up with confetti glued to your head = best 27th birthday ever.


  5. “and focus on the sounds that emanates from them during feeding time: a sort of slurping, mewling dyspeptic smush… like a weeping and broken slug being dragged to the gallows”

    note: That is the most accurate translation of esoteric internal sensation I’ve ever managed. Upon rereading, however, I’m struck by the pathos of that rope towed slug…sadly mumbling his innocence to the grave.

  6. Sabre Tooth Says:

    “That old guy (in ball bearing 70’s athletic shorts) that I see jogging every day”

    the problem i have with 70s athletic shorts is less that they are ball bearing and more that they are ball baring. :P

  7. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    oh goodness, Sabra, that is so unfortunately true.

  8. Jess Says:

    I feel like being creepy touched by AJ has just afforded me some type of fame.

  9. Rodney Says:

    “I feel like being creepy touched by AJ has just afforded me some type of fame.”

    Yes, but when the fame fades, you are left with nothing but the memories of once what was…and depending on what he used as props, maybe a rash.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Isaac and the Leopard
  • Blog Stats

  • August 2007
    M T W T F S S
    « Jul   Sep »
     12345
    6789101112
    13141516171819
    20212223242526
    2728293031  
  • Recent Posts

  • Top Posts

  • Archives

  • Meta

  • %d bloggers like this: