Tertiary life crisis
September 4, 2007
I almost quit my job this morning. Partly this was inspired by being moved to a whole new position and contract after being given four hours of the required two week minimum training period , and informed I would be working 60+ hour work weeks for the next while. The other part was the realization that if I hit the snooze button one more time I could wake up a forty year old entry level IT bachelor eating cold beans in the park on my birthday.
So, I figured I would write up my resume to get a sense of what industry would welcome my skill set. I’ve never actually applied for a grownup job, or written a resume that didn’t fit on the comment section of a larger application. Since I’ve only had one real job, who’s duties I rarely understand, and am largely unqualified for, I decided to lay out my hireable traits in a list, which I would then massage into a compelling employment entreaty. This is the best I could do (and to be honest I padded a little).
AJ Valliant’s employment qualifications:
– Fluent English speaker
– Possibly have BA in Psychology
– Merciless foe.
– Worked essentially same job for six years without being fired or promoted.
– Clean criminal record
– Prone to brooding.
– Intermittently clever
– Got my bike fixed so I can commute (weather permitting).
– Poor sense of time means you can probably trick me into unpaid overtime.
– terrible uncle
– Smart girl Kryptonite, but kind of a bad boyfriend.
– You’ve got to hire someone?
How have I managed to get through a decade of adulthood without picking up any marketable skills of note? Seven years after entering the workforce and I am actually less qualified then when I began. I wouldn’t hire me to bury dead cats behind a toilet shop in Brampton; for no pay…even if I was the only one who applied. Clearly I need to retrain…or train, at all. I’m wary about going back university and becoming that creepy old guy that tries to apply his life experience to any question, no matter how irrelevant…and then starts dating one of his classmates with a daddy complex, only all of her friends secretly resent me, so frame me up for some sort of classroom harassment scandal. That essentially leaves only collage careers.
I’ve managed to narrow down my potential list down the following.
– Bar Tender
– Funeral Attendant
I’m going to think it over for a while, then let you know.
 The irony of this whole thing is I am extremely good at my job when I choose be, and managed to excel at my new position against all odds. This accidental excellence has started another round of promotion talks, which I must now go out of my way to sabotage, without actually doing my job poorly, since I’m enjoying the personal validation of being put in a impossible situation and thriving…but not so much that I don’t want them to lay me off.