Tertiary life crisis

September 4, 2007

I almost quit my job this morning. Partly this was inspired by being moved to a whole new position and contract after being given four hours of the required two week minimum training period [1], and informed I would be working 60+ hour work weeks for the next while. The other part was the realization that if I hit the snooze button one more time I could wake up a forty year old entry level IT bachelor eating cold beans in the park on my birthday.

So, I figured I would write up my resume to get a sense of what industry would welcome my skill set. I’ve never actually applied for a grownup job, or written a resume that didn’t fit on the comment section of a larger application. Since I’ve only had one real job, who’s duties I rarely understand, and am largely unqualified for, I decided to lay out my hireable traits in a list, which I would then massage into a compelling employment entreaty. This is the best I could do (and to be honest I padded a little).

AJ Valliant’s employment qualifications:

– Fluent English speaker

– Possibly have BA in Psychology

– Merciless foe.

– Worked essentially same job for six years without being fired or promoted.

– Clean criminal record

– Prone to brooding.

– Intermittently clever

– Got my bike fixed so I can commute (weather permitting).

– Poor sense of time means you can probably trick me into unpaid overtime.

– terrible uncle

– Smart girl Kryptonite, but kind of a bad boyfriend.

– You’ve got to hire someone?

How have I managed to get through a decade of adulthood without picking up any marketable skills of note? Seven years after entering the workforce and I am actually less qualified then when I began. I wouldn’t hire me to bury dead cats behind a toilet shop in Brampton; for no pay…even if I was the only one who applied. Clearly I need to retrain…or train, at all. I’m wary about going back university and becoming that creepy old guy that tries to apply his life experience to any question, no matter how irrelevant…and then starts dating one of his classmates with a daddy complex, only all of her friends secretly resent me, so frame me up for some sort of classroom harassment scandal. That essentially leaves only collage careers.

I’ve managed to narrow down my potential list down the following.

-Massage therapist

– Bar Tender

– Funeral Attendant

-Marketing guy.

I’m going to think it over for a while, then let you know.

[1] The irony of this whole thing is I am extremely good at my job when I choose be, and managed to excel at my new position against all odds. This accidental excellence has started another round of promotion talks, which I must now go out of my way to sabotage, without actually doing my job poorly, since I’m enjoying the personal validation of being put in a impossible situation and thriving…but not so much that I don’t want them to lay me off.


14 Responses to “Tertiary life crisis”

  1. Stiletto Says:

    What about man whore?

  2. Webomatica Says:

    “Willing to learn” seems to cover up a lot of shortcomings.

  3. max Says:

    Valliant, promotions mean you can spend the bulk of your time in the bathroom, which is your favorite place at work anyway, and possibly a more private bathroom with a special key just for you, and the rest of your time relentlessly torturing people who do not have promotions with trivial ludicrous impossible and totally made up for no good reason other than to entertain yourself and abuse others suggestions.

    You should really consider the promotion route.

  4. w0rmwood Says:

    I sympathize.

    While there is of course some objective truth to your situation, do not underestimate the portion of your situation brought on by a system that trains you to feel this way at every turn.

    I have several degrees, and have held several jobs in several fields, but have always felt overwhelmed, under-qualified, and generally ‘stuck’ whenever it came time to write a up a resume.

    My thoughts:

    1) If you have a degree great, if not, it might be worth the creepy factor to finish it (I hear having sex with 18-20 year olds helps you feel better when you’re feeling creepy)

    2) Your asset list misses one super important factor: charisma. You can, usually when you are not aware of it, charm the cussing out a ill tempered rattle snake with tourett syndrome.

    3) Not having a crap load of debt, you are probably better off than alot of people who floated through multiple degrees before doing what you did, and settling into a single job for a long period of time.


  5. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Right, so, if this means you’re not interested in a dead cat burying position in Incheon….?

    Heh, if you actually are considering a career change because you believe it would lead to increased fulfillment and/or a better lifestyle, and not just because you’re frustrated with your job …actually, even if. Motivation is motivation eh. Life is about trying new shit. These are my unqualified, unsought for, and likely unhelpful, thoughts on the matter:

    The psych degree is intriguing in its debatability, but coupled with your self-asserted charm would seem to shunt you in the direction of something interpersonal, while you’re apparent limited tolerence for application and the stupidity of others would suggest that spending entire days WITH people, might make you stabby. So…maybe something HRy? A nice closed office where you get to pour over other people’s blatantly padded resumes, and stage obstacle course interviews, and fuck with their futures, offering the occasional hand up to feel good about yourself?

    Or, with your writerly skillset, there’s copywriting or editing…unfortunately the canadian publishing industry is retardedly competative. Oh! Harlequin books is based out of Ontario and hires fairly frequently, in comparison, for editorial and sales/marketing. Then again, as far as I’m aware, you’re a man and I’m not sure how equal opportunity they are. You could always give freelancing a shot on the side. Put a portfolio together?

    I think the advertising industry is a little more open, but I’m not really familiar with the recruitment side of things in the East. I know Vancouver is retardedly overflowing with creative types, so it’s tough to get an in sometimes. ‘Course, if you’re willing to intern it up there’s likely something around. General marketing could indeed be good times, it’s just such a broad damn field.

    Oh..maybe realty. It’s a quick certification course, and a good time showing people around properties and stuff, but commision based jobs can be scary, especially when you’re paying liscencing and agency fees, and again though things are bloody booming in BC at the moment, I’ve no idea what the market in Ontario is like. Still, once you’re established, it’s a decent income at least. There’s the interpersonal aspect, the marketing bit, you’re mostly your own boss, and the schedule isn’t particularly stone set.

    Now, I have to admit that I’m never exactly clear what an IT job entails, but I’m sure there are other options out there for that as well.

    As for education, I wouldn’t let age deter you from University if that’s something you want to seriously consider. You’re not a gummy gray hair just yet, and if it bothers you that much, just wear your jeans extra low and talk about “bling and bitches” – you’ll fit right in.

    Oh! I totally have a friend who works for a goverment employment centre, and who owes me a favour. I should get him to shoot me some contraband resume work sheets and stuff……

    ….Hi, my name is Bfat and I enjoy fixating on other people’s problems to avoid dealing with my own :)

  6. thekenji Says:

    You should start your resume with some D&D style stats, AJ. It’s quick, gets to the point, and you can really pad it nicely.


    AJ Valliant

    Strength: 16 (+1 when drunk, +3 on PCP)
    Intelligence: 15 (+3 half the time, -3 half the time)
    Dexterity: 15 (18 when object of focus does not involve yourself)
    Constitution: 18
    Wisdom: 7 (you need one bad stat, come on)
    Charisma: 18 (4d8 when creepy, 6d6 with gin, 1d4 when sleep deprived)

    etc etc.

    Now just bring a weighted d20 into your job interview, and you should be fine.

  7. Rodney Says:

    You are way too hard on yourself in this post. I mean your A.J. Fucking Valiant. Now get up off the floor soldier and do something. If you want a new job storm in to some office that looks nice ( or not, depending on preference ), and tell them who the fuck you are. Call me when you need bail.

    After that we can work through the process of what you want to do.

  8. Some surprisingly awesome and encouraging responces here. Proper replies will be made once caffine takes hold.

  9. Stiletto Says:

    Hey, my father writes and posts articles to this site where people will actually pay you to use it. I’ll get the name for you. Maybe not ideal as a sole source of income but he’s made a few hundred dollars, maybe even several.

  10. Jive Says:

    Don’t worry buddy I’ll be the 39 year old bachelor sitting on the park bench next to you. You bring the beans, I’ll bring the cheap liquor.

  11. monkey Says:

    I appear to have been banned from making comments. Either that, or WordPress swallowed a comment of mine (and told me I already posted it when I tried to do it again).


  12. monkey Says:

    God damn it. I keep trying to post a link, and it keeps not letting me do it. Either way … there is a blog called “Overqualified” on a site called ASofterWorld.com … check it out for some inspiration.

    Also … I’ve always found that the hardest part or doing something is making a decision and taking action. My experience has been that once you’re past that threshold, the inertia almost always carries you far enough from the status quo to at least temporarily satiate one’s thirst for change.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    lol i googled tertiary life crisis and this is what i got. haha interesting. now 4 years later and some change -how’d it go???

    would like to see some sort of progress. something to cheer for.

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