Everyday Heroes: Blackwater Security

October 2, 2007

 As children we all play at murder. Cowboys and Indians, Coalition forces and Arabs, SS Stromtroopers and frightened Jewish shopkeeper who’s beautiful daughter always thought she was too good for us. But like all pure things these dreams of moral authority fall stillborn in halcyon days of  our youth. That raw animal desire for conflict is socialized out via P.C. hand holding contests, and granola junction jamborees. There is no place for Cowboys[1] in the modern world… or is there? It is thus that I bring you to the subject of this edition of EVERYDAY HEROES: Blackwater Security.


Who are they

Founded in 1997 by ex navy seal, and Board member of  Christian Freedom International [2], Erik Prince, Blackwaters mandate is conflict management for cash and consideration. Not quite mercenaries, these Mall Cop Commandos got their big break when the U.S. decided that they didn’t trust important folks to be guarded by the poor people soldiers. In the space of a couple years the homey Mom and Pop Spec Ops company became a full blown corporate army in charge of keeping the dirty sand people away from their green zoned western betters; by any means necessary (and occasional unnecessary).

Why are they heroes?

Have you ever thought: “Man, I’d really like to kill brown people, but I don’t want to go to jail for it; and multi year army enlistment is ill suited to my temperament and unreliable drifter lifestyle? I mean sure you I could  become a inner city police officer, but these days ,with internal affairs and Al Sharpton grousing about every mild killing, the Thin Blue Line isn’t the haven it used to be. If only there was some organization where I could shoot who I want, blow up what I please, and race around in the sort of fancy toys my whore of mother was too gutless to buy … and all of this with complete immunity from legal prosecution by a sovereign government[3]?”

Well, welcome to Blackwater; Population,  Motherfuckers!   

  This is the real deal baby; all the mayhem and big mannery of being a solider, with ten times the pay, and the ability to go home any time you want. The rules of engagement are Uncle Jimboesque (make sure you shout “he’s coming right for me” before you blast anyone); and hell, if you get too bloodlusty the home office will lay down a few fat cheques and sweep you out of the country under the cover night (and limited congressional oversight).

  Blackwater has put the Private back into Privateer, and freed a generation of twitch fingered sociopaths from the shackles of international law and personal responsibility. I salute you, Blackwater[4], for keeping alive my dream of someday riding the King of Thailand around like a Jitney Pony…while his family watches powerless to intercede.

Note: For my more in-depth commentary on this subject see my article in this months Stars and stripes : “I’ve got a GED and licence to kill. “

[1] The awesome kind that shoot people for giving them sass….not the gay kind that actually herd cattle.

[2] Why should one man holy wars be limited to Johnny Jihads and Exploding Abduls?

[3] See “Order 17

[4] They even had the decency to give themselves an evil sounding name…that my friends is customer service.


13 Responses to “Everyday Heroes: Blackwater Security”

  1. w0rmwood Says:

    wow, brilliant!

  2. You’re good AJ. Very good.

    I haven’t been here in a while. Now I know what I’ve been missing.

    Enjoyed the raw, honest nature of this post.


  3. damewiggy Says:

    mighty sweet compilation of history and sassy prose, per usual. hats off, mofo.

  4. “Enjoyed the raw, honest nature of this post.”

    Oh I’ll ride that King, bad karma be damned but I’ll ride that King straight to hell!

  5. Wiggy, Wormy…much obliged.

  6. omelas Says:

    “I salute you, Blackwater[4], for keeping alive my dream of someday riding the King of Thailand around like a Jitney Pony…”

    * snickers *

    Sweet. Good work.

  7. Rodney Says:

    Is it social commentary day again? Why doesn’t anyone remond me of these things?

  8. Stiletto Says:

    I’d like to sign up.

  9. Monkey Says:

    ahaha … just read this one … good stuff … i feel like i understand you a bit better than before AJ … but then again, perhaps i do not … :]

  10. “i feel like i understand you a bit better than before AJ ”

    I am a riddle, wrapped inside a laser, fired into the heart of a clown: no man can understand me.

  11. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    “no man can understand me.”

    awww, hang in there buddy, you just haven’t met the right one.

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