Hot Water Theatre (a tragic true story)

November 28, 2007


 I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping of late. The initial transitions into unconsciousness goes fine, but I soon awake either shivering, or burning hot…my sheets swamped with every drop of moisture pulled from my desiccated body. I initially suspected Ebola and sat on my couch and waited to die. That proved somewhat alarmist.

 It turns out my landlords have decided, in lieu of a sustained moderate level, that it is more efficient to supply a massive amount heat once an hour (for about ten minutes) then allow the apartment to cool to sub zero temperatures, and so forth. And I could deal with that…but, apparently, in an effort to cope with rising fuel costs, they have decided to power my radiators with the fires of Hephaestus.

 Last night I decided I would rather be uniformly cold, so I opened my bedroom(1) and hallway(2) windows. This seemed to anger the dark guard residing in my hotwater heater(3), who then poured forth merciless, unquenchable, heat for the better part of an hour. I eventually had to tie a bed sheet around my ankle and suspend myself out the window, just to survive the night. The quality of my sleep was understandably low.

Today I will speak with building management about their dark pact, and the sleep deprivational effects thereof, in the hopes the beast can be bargained with. Should this fail I will be forced to become a ladies man of some repute, that I might find a place to lay my head, baby Jesuslike.

  • (1) This involves a 20 ft shimmy up a skylight, where I then I employ a stick with nail on it to open the turn of the century flip up windows. I realize this sounds like hyperbole…it is not.
  • (2) These windows open up to a cave  full of vines. Again sounds implausible, but this is honestly how my apartment is configured.
  • (3) Who for some reason can only generate luke warm shower water for five minutes, despite his ability to boil the flesh from my bones when challenged.

7 Responses to “Hot Water Theatre (a tragic true story)”

  1. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    hahahahahahahah !!!!!!!!!

    it’s true, the thing about the caves with vines.

  2. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    I’m surprised sitting on your coach failed to lead to your demise…or is he not a real coach coach? Are you on the chess team?

  3. “I’m surprised sitting on your coach failed to lead to your demise”

    Coach goes easy on me because I play hard and always bring it in the fourth quarter. Also: his wife left him, so he’s really just a shell of a man at this point.

  4. sabretooth Says:

    hahaha! nice one :)

  5. Jive Says:

    “I initially suspected Ebola and sat on my couch and waited to die. That proved somewhat alarmist.”

    I am tired, hungry, and irritable but that made me laugh. Well posted sir. I wish you every success in your battle with the dark lords of central heating. You are my baby Jesus

  6. Stiletto Says:

    Oh, this is just an old trick used to try to fry you out of your lease. Muster bravery, young Valliant, and don’t fall into their trap!

  7. donna mom Says:

    Donna Mom Say’s
    Too Hot is cost
    Who is paying this bill???

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