My Journal: Glimpses into a troubled life

December 4, 2007

 

  It occurred to me that, though I love you like my childrens, I give you folks limited access to my more personal moments. I can no longer bear this distance between us, so I will jimmy open the window to my private world, and show you the deep riches within…via my journal…that I’ve always kept…but never told you about until now.

 *****

Saturday, Dec 3, 2007

I began my day by writing out a short list of errands to accomplish.

           -Purchase socks and underwear

-Obtain laundry detergent

-Buy condoms and lube

-pay cable bill

-Put cat to sleep out of spite

  The intense cold forced me to let my cable debt stand, give my cat an unearned stay of execution, and consolidate my purchasing to one central location. I chose Zeller’s. Zellers failed me as no department store ever has.

 I acquired the undergarments and soap without issue, but when I asked the pharmacy clerk[1] where they kept the Condoms and lube she informed me (quite tartly) that they “don’t have those kinds of things here“. The following is direct transcript of our exchange.

AJ: Excuse me, I can’t seem to find the condoms and lube.

Prudish harridan: Pardon me?

AJ: Do you have Condoms or Lube here? Both if possible.

Jaded Spinster: We don’t carry those sorts of things here.

AJ: Uh, what sorts things?

Joyless hag *blushing angrily*[2]: Sex things.

AJ: Why?

Dried up wretch: We don’t want to make people uncomfortable.

AJ: Really. I just walked by a whole display of monostat…are you telling the idea of some chicks infected cooch is that much less offensive than people getting it on in a responsible, and low friction, fashion?(At this point the women became frazzled and started moralizing)   

Sucking naught but fun wench: Those sorts of things just encourage promiscuity. If you want to be safe practice abstinence.

AJ: *nonplussed* Look lady…if I start practicing abstinence you at least better start stocking lube, and maybe consider dropping the price of  socks.

Sexless shrew: I going to have to ask you to leave, sir.

 I realize I could have handled it better, but is it so unreasonable to want to buy my condoms  and lube where I purchase my hats and linen…and maybe get a sandwich while I’m there? I think not.

**********************

Monday Dec 3, 2007

 My boss called me a dork for having my dress shirt buttoned up all the way. I responded by unbuttoning said shirt to my navel, and stroking my chest hair with a plastic fork. While clearly amused, she commented that my actions were not in keeping with the expected  professional manner, and I was now in violation of our dress code. I concurred, removed my shirt entirely, and worked as such for several minutes, until a barrage of push pins forced me to cover up.

 While the reviews of my broad muscular back were largely positive, it was decided that the twin patches of fur[3] on my trapezius were disconcerting at best, and reminiscent of some sort of predatory moth.

**********************

   Tuesday Dec 4, 2007     

I was told, in response to winning a game of Kdice, that I should “Stop raping my father“. Sound advice in theory[4], but unexpected given the context, and THUNDERNEXUS’s previous statements encouraging me to have romantic congress with various members of my family. I could only infer he had a special connection with my father; I was touched by the concern he showed for my Dad, and advised him to show similar restraint in his dealings with the animals in his care. 

********

[1] A elderly women, no doubt embittered by a lifetime of spinsterhood.

[2] This was likely the first time blood had rushed anywhere in many years.

[3] I am rather fit, but furry.

[4] The commute alone to Brockville/Renfrew would rob me of several hours that could better be spent on non raping productivity, or even multiple local rapes.

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11 Responses to “My Journal: Glimpses into a troubled life”

  1. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    “While the reviews of my broad muscular back were largely positive, it was decided that the twin patches of fur[3] on my trapezius were disconcerting at best, and reminiscent of some sort of predatory moth.”

    hahaha !

  2. jess Says:

    ahahaha, more please!

  3. Rodney Says:

    hahaha…Awesome!!!

  4. thekenji Says:

    Do you use the Genghis scale of raping productivity measurement, or the standard norse vicus scale?


  5. “Do you use the Genghis scale of raping productivity measurement, or the standard norse vicus scale?”

    Christ, Kenji! What kind of person do you think I am?
    I have accountants to keep track of that sort of thing.

  6. thekenji Says:

    Oh my, I’m terribly sorry to have overunderestimated you

  7. Stiletto Says:

    hahaha! You should shave, like my new friend from Canada I met while in the Bahamas. It gives him a few extra inches of chest, or so he claims.

    (He shaves all over, bonus points).

  8. Monkey Says:

    You are a funny guy AJ … though I do not approve of your ill intentions toward your feline friend.

    The “predatory moth” bit and the abstinence to lube to socks connections made me laugh out loud and caused my co-workers to give me weird looks.

  9. donna mom Says:

    Not that I need to know about a lack of lubricant but I do need to know how you are. Call ASAP we are worried as noone has heard from you for a long while.
    No Joke call…..

    Mom

  10. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    This disturbed me, and I can’t rightly say why. It should have been pure entertainment. Prudish harpies, workplace antics, text flexing and beastiality…it had everything, but, I dunno dude. Your version of reality makes my innards wriggle.

  11. Idetrorce Says:

    very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce


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