Things I learned Last Year:

January 2, 2008


At Work

  • My professionalism unpredictably ebbs and flows relative to my level of caffination.
  • I rarely have the correct level of caffination
  • And I quote “A dress code is a not a challenge, AJ. Just put on some shoes and we will ignore the rest”.
  • Growing mug fungus cannot be justified as an HR intiative; nor can the resulting standoff with building services be defused by claming it’s “the moldy happenstance of my poisoned loins”.  
  • I would pretty much have to kill a guy to get fired.

In the Bathroom

  • If I try to stand on my hands and urinate I will piss in my own face every time (as I do to not have a free hand available to make requisite directional adjustments).
  • I am not strong enough to do a one armed hand stand; attempting such can have unpleasant consequences in a porcelain rich environment.
  • My engineering skills are not sufficient to rig up an elaborate teeth drawn pulley system, without incurring signifigant physical trauma.
  • I should probably have one of those life helpers they give Retards At Large.

On The Internet

  • Commensurate with the principles of meritocracy: captioning a cat photo with broken English is the highest art form of our era.
  • Commensurate with the principles of reciprocity: I’m going to start stomping the heads of any kitten I see in a amusing pose.
  • If you grow a Red Mullet the ladies will flock to you (see above)

Matters Metaphysical

  • Wrestling my grandfathers ghost to the ground does not entitle me to his estate.
  • Sometimes an emerging third eye is just a unibrow growing in.
  • Karma is not only a bitch, she’s a whore and a liar.
  • Zeus does not drive a large white van, enjoy grape popsicles, and delight in giving full body massages on demand.
  • Never join a cult with your boss

17 Responses to “Things I learned Last Year:”

  1. engtech Says:

    “Never join a cult with your boss”


  2. max Says:

    “A dress code is a not a challenge, AJ. Just put on some shoes and we will ignore the rest”.

    I find you so entertaining.

  3. Rodney Says:

    I don’t know…even if you kill the guy they may not give you the pink slip. I’m not suggesting you try it, but still….

  4. idealogue Says:

    “If you grow a Red Mullet the ladies will flock to you (see above)”

    and those ladies will be sisters…

    …your sisters.

  5. w0rmwood Says:

    In regards to the picture posted above the “mullet” comment.

    AJ, there is no reason to poke fun at your cousin Auberdine and his sisters.

    Sure they are a little ‘close’ for relatives, and sure Auberdine may have a red mullet in addition the Valliant devilish good looks, but that’s no reason to post his picture on the internet without his consent!

    Susy-Lynn-Amy, and Darlene-Dory-Anne-Sue are both lovely people, and love their brother Auberdine very much.

    Granted, maybe too much, but still, have a heart!

  6. Mike Says:

    I find it kinda scary how good AJ looks in a mullet. Hook that man up with a pack of cigs flipped up on his arm and an IROC pronto.

  7. Monkey Says:

    I love the mullet picture … I think I just might print it out (full page blow-up) and pin it on a wall in my cubicle … *ponders*

  8. NotMike Says:

    Yeah, that mullet pic… that seems awfully familiar. A little too familiar. I’m calling your mom to cross reference with her pics.

  9. Darlene-Dory-Anne-Sue Says:

    I reckon y’all better shut your mouths before I git my pa to blast y’all with ‘is shat gun. That there is what we do to folks who mess with family.

  10. thekenji Says:

    The photos in this post alone tell such a haunting tale… such a haunting tale.

  11. Jive Says:

    That’s quite a colorful mold collection. I had no idea you were such a fungus aficionado. Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to go get a red mullet

  12. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    You look bizarrely like my Uncle with a red mullet…and the lady on the left, like his fiance. Disquieting.

    Also, you might try the one handed hand stand with a spotter.

  13. Stiletto Says:

    Oh my god…you look like a guy I did in seventh grade!

    The red mullet, arghhhhh! It’s like the insane beating of the tell tale heart! I’m having flashbacks, I can’t breathe, I’m choking, oh yeah, please tell me you licked that girl’s fine navel.

  14. Stiletto Says:

    “Karma is not only a bitch, she’s a whore and a liar.”

    How narrow of you to assume that such vindictiveness comes from a woman…misogynist!

  15. Stiletto Says:

    Karma is not a whore…Jesus was! And he’s fooled us all!

  16. Stiletto Says:

    And he was probably gay, which makes him a bitch, and a liar!

  17. romi41 Says:

    “Sometimes an emerging third eye is just a unibrow growing in. “….HAHAHA…and you said I make YOU laugh….well ditto and then some dude ;-)

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