My resume

January 7, 2008

My work is gearing up for another round of layoffs. Though I highly doubt I will be granted my sweet release, I decided to avail myself of the free resume writing seminar they were offering. Project Purely, the deeply unhappy HR representative asserted. Capture what make you unique employee and frame it in a positive fashion. I decided to take her advice to heart and compose a wholly honest resume, indicative of who I am as person, and my qualifications to date.

 As means of networking I figured I put up on the site, on the off chance a potential employer is reading. The information presented is honest to a fault.

AJ Valliant
140 Kent, Ottawa, ON, I don’t know my postal code-it’s probably on my mail but I lost my mail key.
613-322-8282
AJ.Valliant@gmail.com

Summary

  • Demonstrated achiever with exceptional knowledge of international markets, business practices, and trade regulations.
  • Powerful haunches
  • Never successfully convicted of High Treason
  • Extensive experience with broken software and incompetent upper management.
  • Once slept under my desk for 11 hours straight. Awoke with one eye bleeding.
  • Can mask sarcasm over 70% of the time.
  • Barely legally exists: so if something happens to me no one is going to ask any questions.
  • Knows what time your daughter gets off school…and couldn’t help but notice what a lovely young women she’s becoming.

Education

Likely have B.A. in Psychology from Carleton but have not yet applied to graduate. (I may be ½ credit short depending on whether I passed the dinosaur course or not. Need to pay library fine to find out). 2003ish

P.H.D* from the mean streets of Canada

– Joint specialty in Raising the roof and Holding it down.

– Kept it real eight days a week on three separate occasions

– Went on a four day bender resulting in 90% reduction in total underwear ownership.

-Once waxed a chump like a candle

*Pimping Ho’s Daily

2000

Lived right across the street from a trade school for a couple of years

You figure I’d have to pick up something from that

2002-2004

Career History & Accomplishments

Ability to conceal dress code and hygiene violations , Fabrikam, Inc.

  • Went entire day smelling like cat pee due to undetected feline urination on jacket. Used portable fan to blow shame smell away from my desk; made subtle comments implicating new guy as responsible for acrid stench circulating. May have resulted in new guys dismissal three days later.
  • Have not worn shoes indoors since Dec 5th (including trips to bathroom). Managed to ward off complaints by claiming winter boots were too hot, and gym shoes were too styling for work environment.
  • Sat shirtless at desk for over twelve minutes in retribution for my boss making fun of baby blue sweater I was wearing. Appolgy was finally given (by aforementioned boss) when I began trimming chest hair with safety scissors.
  • Once oiled up arms with WD40 and repeated requested directions to beach.
2004
Been working out a lot lately, Goodlife gym

  • Can now bobble both pecs instead of just left one.
  • Guns are now of sufficient diameter and hardness to distract from the inalienable sadness behind my eyes
  • Bottom has become pert and round enough the council of Irishman have threatened sanctions of a dire nature.
  • Shoulders are as wide as two very narrow men standing side by side.
2003
Almost cleaned kitchen yesterday My house, kch.

  • Filled sink three times but failed to gather dishes
  • Swept most of floor before squirrel burst in and hide in stove.
  • Managed to lure female friend over to radiator where she was almost mauled by squirrel.
  • Played Masters of Magic for like an hour, then went to gym.
2001-2002

Memberships & Affiliations

  • Captain of Reach for the top team (instigated only brawl in regional qualifier history)
  • Fearless leader of Beast Entropy
  • Mayor of AJtown for 12 years running
  • Thought quite well off by most of my ex girlfriends
Copyright © 1997 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
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10 Responses to “My resume”

  1. max Says:

    I would hire you just to make fun of the sweater.

  2. Pollyanna Sassmaster Says:

    I’m not sure how this one got sneaked past the selection committee, but congrats nonetheless on getting your resumé published by McGraw-Hill.


  3. “I would hire you just to make fun of the sweater.”

    My mom gave me that sweater for Christmas.


  4. “I’m not sure how this one got sneaked past the selection committee, but congrats nonetheless on getting your resumé published by McGraw-Hill.”

    Standards were alot more lax in 97.

  5. engtech Says:

    I love how you got the street wrong on your address.

    Just like that time I had to ask you for directions five times.

  6. Ginny Says:

    You crack me right the hell up.

    I, too, was captain of my reach for the top team (I refuse to capitalize it, thus giving it the legitimacy it does not merit). I was asked to step down due to my “fringe” beliefs regarding the War of 1812, the Dewey Decimal system, and the complete works of Alice Munro.

    It was all politics.

  7. Rodney Says:

    I thought I was the captain of the Reach for the top team?


  8. “I love how you got the street wrong on your address.”

    Oh, yeah. I live on Bronson, don’t I.
    This is why I never get mail.

  9. sulya Says:

    Laughed hard. Laughed long. Tried to tell other half what was so funny when asked. Couldn’t explain for the tears and giggling.

    Thank you.

    (Incidentally, what I love most is that almost every single one of those resume line items would be an amazing post/short story/rant in and of itself… Fecundity of mad imagination thy name is Valliant)

  10. Jive Says:

    The powerful haunches thing I believe (I’ve been checking them out) but I have yet to see evidence of your knowledge of foreign markets and trade practices.


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