Letter 35: Simple questions and mild retardation
January 16, 2008
I’ve had so much caffeine today I can see through winter…to the blazing cold sun that fevers my dreams. I do not know my name. I cannot find my way. Yet letter day must go on. Let’s get down to business.
You seem like a fairly on the ball adult; were you this bright as kid?
Not at all. While I had some esoteric books smarts, and my share of woodland savvy, I was near autistic in my ability to apply that intelligence in any functional manner. A brief sampling of just how far from the ball I was.
-A teacher once felt it necessary to tell me “When you rush, the strings on your mittens catch fire”. This was said without irony, and with a naked contempt unbecoming in a child educator.
-I was banned from making toast by myself from ages 7 until 9, as I was unable to make the connection between prebuttered bread and the spontaneous toaster fires that sprung up with such regularity. 
– I once dug a trench along one side of our house because my Dad complained about the neighbour’s dog crapping on our lawn. I felt this would provide a buffer between us and the furry crapster. When called, by my Father, to explain my rational I forgot my original intent and claimed it was for a fort I was building, in the middle of our lawn…that was just a hole.
What do you do with posts you don’t use? You guys have a pretty consistently level of quality so I figure there must be a pile of stuff in the graveyard. Have you even considered shopping them out to lesser websites?
Chief shut yo Mouf
Our consistence of quality is not so much the result of editorial forbearance, as it is my tendency to get bored while writing crappy stuff and abandoning it mid stream. There are few finished pieces in the graveyard, but several wrecks aborted in mid sentence.
For instance: Esmeralda sent me a half complete post I wrote at her house on New Years Eve, a year or so back. It lost steam after the first few paragraphs, but the intro contained an interesting true life anecdote that I feel like sharing. (Ties in nicely to the “I was a little retarded as a child” theme).
“New Years Resolution :
The first New Years Resolution I can recall making is “Don’t get my head stuck in the Banister again.“ That goddamn thing was my kryptonite; I just could get past the concept of being able to place my skull somewhere I couldn’t retrieve it. We moved before I really got the chance to test my will, but I like to think I could have stuck to my guns regardless.”
After that it rambled into an unseasonable bitter diatribe about how setting unreachable New Years resolutions created failure dynamic that eroded the capacity for personal growth. Not too entertaining. So I scrapped it.
So to answer to original question: What do I do with unpostable material? I scrap it for parts: pulling out whatever clever phrasing, or piquant ideas, that can be ham fistedly jammed into a piece at a later date.
Tell me something random.
I drank so much water today I fear I may actually be leeching the calcium from my bones. This requires me to got to the bathroom so often my coworkers think:
- a) I’ve developed a serious Coke habit
- b) I’m a chronic masturbator
- c) I spend my days weeping uncontrollable at regular intervals
Why don’t you have contests anymore?
In concert with my recent conversion to Islam I felt it justified that I grow a lush beard. 12 days later a thick and tidy beard holds a place of facial prominence, emitting gravitas like a world weary neutron star. While I have appreciated the instant respect it garners, it is a crime against Allah to conceal the perfect bone structure he bequeathed upon me . So I’m going to shave this week. I figured this would be a perfect opportunity for a little reader involvement: in the form of a “Pick AJ’s new facial hair” contest.
Here are the rules options
- – You may chose from any of the following styles that about 1 inch of hair growth can accommodate (it’s only been couple weeks).
- – One vote per person
- – Impassioned appeals but accorded the weight of two votes (as per my discretion).
- – The shaving and subsequent style will be recorded publicly in an elaborate photo essay.
- – I will look damn good regardless of chosen.
- – This Beard is getting Itchy so a winner will be chosen by this coming Monday.
 This was as painful a state of affairs as one would imagine.
 He came to me in dream and told me as such. I was also encouraged to