Letter Day 47: For fun or Prophet.

January 21, 2008

 

 Deep in the heart of Dreamtime there stands rock shaped like a Fathers Lament. Were you to climb this rock, a thousand fathoms to the top, you would see the edges of the word of god…and the only discernable erg would beckon. L E T T E R DAY. Let’s get down to business.

******

Are really going to post naked Pictures if you win a Bloggy?

Dina,

 They have already been taken and artfully captioned.

At this point it’s  up to the voting public.

Three things you can never overestimate:

-My willingness to humiliate myself for limited, to no, gain.

-My friends eagerness to facilitate said humiliation

-The near perfect roundness of my tiny bottom.

You can take that to the Bank…sucka.

********

(Due to the lengthy nature of this email I will respond within the body of text. In black letters)

Dear Friend ,My name is Mrs Judith Williams am 79yrs old of age, i stay at 6618 Flowermound Dr Sugarland TX 78479 , USA.

(Flowermound Doctor Sugarland? Man, that place must be plagued by bees something fierce.)  

I am a good merchant , I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world .I spend all my life on investment and corporate business.

 (Sadly, Judith’s early entry into the Merchant world robbed her of time other children spent learning basic grammar and sentence structure. It must have been difficult for a women with a 3rd grade education to break into the industrial business world, in the 1940’s. Still you figure a women with good share in several banks could find a proof reader for such an important missive… the pride of half illiterate former tycoons knows no bounds.)

All the way i lost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in November 5th 2003.

(I am unsure if the her family was killed in said wreck, or if they just stopped to rubberneck and wandered off. We can only be assured that they are all the way gone.)

I am a very greedy woman with all cost i don’t know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to sleep and give rest .

( While I appreciate the honesty, this sort of disclosure does little to endear the Judith to me. I can only assume she is not party to the marketing initiatives in her many industrial companies.)

 Later in the year 2004 February i was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal Doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon.

(tough break, Judith)

I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of investment cannot be run and manage by me again.

 ( Are you threatening suicide here, Judith? Because I suspect all of your investments will prove difficult to run from beyond the grave.)

I quickly call up a pastor / prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser.

(Wait…you have Prophet as an advisor and you are seeking my help? I suggest you check that gentleman’s credentials.)

 He ministered to me to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business men for their investment and for future rising.

(Damn Prophets, always speaking in cryptic verse.)

So i am writing this letter to people who really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently.

(Are you offering me the aid of two students in Collage? Because I could really use a couple of interns.)

So that i can make available preparation on that especially women of the day, who are divorced by their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself.

 ( I’m assuming “Women of the Day” are some sort of tragic daywalker nosferatu variant that generate a lethal corrosive mist while feeding…likely a supernatural manifestation of the guilt they feel for their undead predation. While I feel for their plight, I cannot blame their husbands for leaving them.)   

 Please contact me and stop weeping.

(Tragically, Judith, my constant weeping has nothing to do with your letter. You’re not the only one is this world with problems.)

Probably let me now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orphanages homes near your town.

( ok… There is a 30% change I need 700$ for a new couch. 23.7% chance I need a mini forklift to transport my cat from room to room. 16.34% chance I need 1 800 000$ to build a state of art, military grade, tree fort to house my chapter of the “He-man Women haters club” from.)

Now am so much with God, am now born again.

(What…are you throwing your fancy friends in my face? You name dropping half  illiterate whore! Just because I hang out with scumbags doesn’t mean I won’t be reincarnated…no matter what your asshole Prophet buddy tells you.)

May you be blessed, as you reach me,

I will give more information to you as i await your response immediately.Best Regards ,Mrs . Judith Williams .

Thank you for the offer, Judith.

I’m going to have to pass.

*******

What are your proudest achievements.

Danny Parsnips

In no particular order

Proudests:

  • – Being voted “Most Dangerous Scorpion in Moncton” three years running.
  • – Reduced the amount of orphans working at my sweatshop 85% (by owning up to my paternity rights).
  • – Road the King of all Birds over the horizon, to the land without words.
  • – Hurled my own mother over the English Channel (on my third attempt).
  • – Last months triumphant third place finish in regional Amway sales.
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2 Responses to “Letter Day 47: For fun or Prophet.”

  1. Rodney Says:

    “What…are you throwing your fancy friends in my face? You name dropping half illiterate whore! Just because I hang out with scumbags doesn’t mean I won’t be reincarnated…no matter what your asshole Prophet buddy tells you.”

    Oh Dear Lord….My co-workers all think I am a laughing idiot. Before you get to excited about that, they thought I was a laughing idiot before I read that and started laughing uncontrollably. I love letter day.

  2. Jive Says:

    No one sticks it to the spammers like Ol’ Valliant.


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