Beats Entropy: Pettiness Scale

February 19, 2008

Not a lot of people know this: I am currently serving five years probation for trapping three minstrels in a well. They weren’t great minstrels, and it was pretty big well, but such conduct is frowned upon in the nations capital. The exact charges levied were “engaging in thirsty deeds of anger” and “contralute’nal conduct”. The whole thing was a goddamn frame up[1], but my third rate Albanian lawyer sold me out for a roll of toilet paper and signed picture of Winnie Mandela.

I was hoping for leniency, but apparently my assertion that it was a momentary act of passion[2] was undermined by me having commissioned three blacksmiths to make huge farthings I could throw down onto them[3]. They (the courts) even disregarded my sweet “Minstrel cycle” defense[4].

As part of my rehabilitation I’m suppose to produce written proof that I am developing proper awareness of inappropriate behavior, and a increased ability to make value judgments. So I figure doing a objecting ranking of petty acts should qualify on both counts.

Thus I give you: The Beats Entropy Pettiness Scale.

***************

•0- Giving someone a delicious piece of toast

•1- Eating the last donut, just to deny someone else

•2- Shouting out the wrong answer at a game show [5]

•3- Digging your knees into the front seat the whole ride, because you lost out on shotgun

•4- Resetting a video game you are about to lose, to deny your friend ideal satisfaction

•5- Throwing other peoples sorted recyclables into the trash.

•6- Copywriting the name of band you just got kicked out of [6]

•7- Stealing from the church collection plate to purchase mustache wax… in case you decide to grow a mustache in the future.

•8- Setting up a competing lemonade stand, to undercut the neighborhood children

•9- Hitting on 20 in Blackjack, just to throw off the next guy

•10- Purchasing a Parrot with it’s wings clipped, so you can enjoy all the flying it won’t be doing [7]

•11- Smoking the celebratory birth cigar, in the maternity ward…to teach the parents the dangers of tobacco [8]

•12- Eating the last donut, just to deny someone else…even though you are diabetic and out of insulin.

•13- Telling a girl who’s always had crush on you that her feelings were reciprocated…on her wedding day [9]

•14- Convincing a blind person their rather attractive girlfriend is actually quite ugly [10]

•15- Dragging a found corpse to a crack house, then calling it in.

•16- Trying to collect on a “who’s gonna die last” bet, at your friends funeral.

•17- Building a parents mandatory playground across from an orphanage.

•18- Renaming you infant son “Stink Malloy” as punishment for your dead wife abandoning you

•19- Inviting several underprivileged children to come to Disneyland with you, but only on the condition you also bring the coach that used to molest them [11]

•20- Dressing a quadrapelgic mute up as a horse and entering him in the Kentucky derby…whereat you will convince his family to bet all his operation money on said horse, as it is a sure thing  [12]

************

[1] In that I was caught doing something I only somewhat enjoyed.

[2] I contended that as an exceptionally passionate person, with a poor sense of time, I should be accorded longer moments. The courts felt otherwise.

[3] The minstrels, not the blacksmiths.

[4] Ok, this really more of bawdy limerick than a defense…but they could have at least let me finish.

[5] +2 if you are on Family Feud, and trying to humiliate a loved one.

[6] +1 if you pursue litigation

[7] +3 if you purchase another parrot that you let fly around, and teach to gloat about how wonderful it feels.

[8] +3 if you make the baby smoke it with you.

[9] +1 if it’s a lie. +5 if she leaves him and you deny having ever said it.

[10] +1 if he dumps her as a result. +5 if you restore his sight to show him his error, only to blind him again afterwards.

[11] The intended footnote actually crossed the line a tad, so I am omitting it. Lets just say it would have provided a substantial + modifier.

[12] +2if you successfully entice the family to beat the horse that failed them

OTHER ASSESSMENT SCALES

Shame

Ignominious Death

Creepy

Disappointment

Pettiness

Inappropriate comment

Legacy.

 

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6 Responses to “Beats Entropy: Pettiness Scale”

  1. jess Says:

    this put me in a really good mood for some reason, haha!

    PS come out tomorrow and do gangsta rap karaoke with me and associates. there are also in-house fights on friday, in case you have been neglecting facebook, which I suspect is indeed the case.

    hello plan-making on innapropriate channels.

  2. Pollyanna Sassmaster Says:

    “Inviting several underprivileged children to come to Disneyland with you, but only on the condition you also bring the coach that used to molest them”

    Huh. I keep seeing commercials on tv that say underprivileged children can’t afford activities that require coaching. Thus the children in your scenario are either:

    a) lying about being underprivileged
    b) lying about being molested
    c) lying about being children
    d) all of the above

  3. Rodney Says:

    “Huh. I keep seeing commercials on tv that say underprivileged children can’t afford activities that require coaching….”

    Or you are lying about watching T.V.

    “•13- Telling a girl who’s always had crush on you that her feelings were reciprocated…on her wedding day [9]
    [9] +1 if it’s a lie. +5 if she leaves him and you deny having ever said it.”

    So what if it’s a lie and she leaves him and you deny it? Is that a +6 or a just a +5?

    What if it’s a same sex marriage?

  4. idealogue Says:

    “•13- Telling a girl who’s always had crush on you that her feelings were reciprocated…on her wedding day [9]

    [9] +1 if it’s a lie. +5 if she leaves him and you deny having ever said it.”

    how about if she leaves him her, you couple in a frenzied display of years of unrequited passion, but then immediately after tell her that the coupling has made you reconsider you sexuality… but its a lie, and you ask her sister out the following week?

    Man the possibilities are endless. Are the maximum point values for any one instance of pettiness? Or can one moment be scored as high (in theory) as a lifetime of lesser acts of pettiness?

  5. Pollyanna Says:

    “Or you are lying about watching T.V.”

    Busted (mostly). I don’t own a t.v. and have to beg A.J. to let me watch his. However:

    Dang, that chokes me up!

  6. thekenji Says:

    Wow, all the footnote modifiers really do add up to quite a lot nowadays.

    It seems anyone can skyrocket their pettiness to meteoric levels by simply getting a newborn baby to smoke a cigar or spitefully blinding people.

    This “pettiness inflation” may be our downfall you know


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