Political Peril: A Beats Entropy special report ; Ralph Nader

March 12, 2008

 

By design Beats Entropy is largely non partisan, and broadly irrelevant, in the scope of world affairs. Neither are we pundits, nor participants, in the political process. To be honest most of are partially illiterate, and at least one a registered sex offender [1]. While this keeps us from voting, it does not dispel our fascination with the surreal disgrace poetry that is American Politics. More specifically: the presidential race. Thus we have decided to enter the polemic, and weigh in on the candidates in a substantive manner.

 In the past I have made my preferences known, but you can be assured I am professional enough to put that aside and give a unbiased analysis on the pieces in play. Above all I am a journalist, and I will not shame the oath I swore all those months ago.

 Over the next few days I will be breaking down the Candidates one by one: examining their polices, personal merits, historys, and peccadilloes of note. It is my intent shine the pure light reason bright enough that the true front runner will become clear. Let’s get down to business.

RALPH NADER     

Breakdown:

Uncovered during the 1837 excavation of the Panama canal, Ralph Nader entered public life with a shovel busted mouth, and a thirst for justice. Adopted by the diggers who discovered him, Nader soon became an advocate for shorter working hours and safer excavation methods. As a means of buying his silence, the robber barons who supervised the dig, shipped him off to Harvard, where he completed his degree, and did some lawyering for a while.  

 Around 1960 a deep seeded fear of cars took root and he began campaigning against them. His terror of the swift metal beasts that captured people in their bellies was fully realized in his seminal work “Unsafe at any speed” , launching him into national prominence as a consumer advocate. Throughout the 80’s he railed against the beast machines and other wizard contraptions. Many joined his cause.

 Eventually he decided that words alone would not drive his ludite spear into the heart of corporate America, so he began a series of wildly unsuccessful presidential bids. While he never seriously contended, he did heroically defeat his own former parties nominee, and any notion of personal obligation to a broader cause. Victories that would fuel the fires of Quixotic ego fuelled hypocrites for years to come.  

***

Positives: Determination, oblivious to reality, surprisingly full head of hair for a man his age.

Nader is the political equivalent of an old man trying to send back soup at a deli…for like, 20 years. He knows that the owner will never relent, but the soup was cold when he bought it, and he paid a dollar for it, so until that matter of principle is resolved he cannot move on with his life.

Negatives: Self serving, whiny, has never held any political office.

Complaining a lot is not a qualification, it’s a personality defect.

I wouldn’t trust Ralph Nader to run the juice Bar at a NAMBALA meeting. I wouldn’t trust him to sort the dead letter bin at a Denny’s run post office. I wouldn’t trust him to pack hot fudge into a dumpster, with a two Wonka staff, and a ten hour deadline. In short: the man inspires no trust, in me…and much contempt.    

***

Will he win: Nope.

 Ralph Nader couldn’t win a Ralph Nader contest with his mother as the judge. He’s destroying his legitimacy, his legacy, and I suspect has something to do with the mysterious holes in the heels of my socks. Fuck that guy.

[1] This has little to do with the discussion at hand…but you know…keep your kids inside.

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20 Responses to “Political Peril: A Beats Entropy special report ; Ralph Nader”

  1. Alice Says:

    “While he never seriously contended, he did heroically defeat his own former parties nominee, and any notion of personal obligation to a broader cause. Victories that would fuel the fires of Quixotic ego fuelled hypocrites for years to come. ”

    That is brutaly unfair. What have you done to earn the right to question Naders character and motivations?


  2. “That is brutaly unfair. What have you done to earn the right to question Naders character and motivations?”

    My credentials speak for themselves.

    http://beatsentropy.com/2008/02/06/showdown-in-gay-town/

  3. NotMike Says:

    I’d say that if anyone knows a thing or two about torpedoing his own friends’ (and at times, his own) best interests purely out of spite and malice, it’s our ol’ buddy A.J.

    And that makes him the perfect judge.

  4. w0rmwood Says:

    “that is brutaly unfair”

    Actually, while I think maybe “Uncovered during the 1837 excavation of the Panama canal, Ralph Nader entered public life with a shovel busted mouth” could be questioned in terms of its neutrality…

    The fact that Nader has historical defeated his own (former) causes by splitting the vote in key and tight elections, and the fact that he has repeatedly promised not to run again if he loses ‘this’ election – only to do it again – account for the most factually accurate portion of AJ’s synopsis.

    Though personally I think Nader is a genius. He is the smartest Republican alive.

  5. w0rmwood Says:

    Nader: Hey there Republicans, I love you, can I join?

    Republicans: Sure… wait, actually, we have a better idea… How would you feel about pretending to be liberal to split the democrat vote thus sabotaging them from within?

    Nader: Shit Ya! That Gore fucker didn’t invite me to his birthday at Chucky-cheese, and he KNEW how much I LOVED Chucky-cheese!! This will take him down a few notches! Hey, can I have one of those fancy windmill armbands?


  6. “Actually, while I think maybe “Uncovered during the 1837 excavation of the Panama canal, Ralph Nader entered public life with a shovel busted mouth” could be questioned in terms of its neutrality…”

    How dare you, sir! That is matter of public record, recounted without bias or colour.


  7. I bet Wormwood is a lot less thrilled when I put up my Hillary assement. I expect open boycotts and a formal protest from the ACLU.

  8. w0rmwood Says:

    at the risk of having you change positions just to spite me, I actually have to admit, I agree with your assessments of Hillary (at least what I have seen).

    I loath Hillary as a candidate, and more generally as a person, pretty completely.

  9. Warcloud Says:

    “I wouldn’t trust him to pack hot fudge into a dumpster, with a two Wonka staff, and a ten hour deadline. In short: the man inspires no trust, in me…and much contempt.”

    I’m not sure how to react to this. It doesn’t have alot to do with anything, yet the image is strangely fitting.

  10. engtech Says:

    Why I don’t follow/care/pay any attention to politics: I can tell you who will win every single time.

    The side without the split vote.

    I really don’t understand how people get so worked up about the politics and issues when none of that shit affects the final outcome as much as “how many candidates appeal to the same demographic?”

  11. max Says:

    Wow. Finally an unbiased look at the candidates. This is so refreshing.

  12. Rodney Says:

    I want to know what the dane’s think.

  13. Jive Says:

    Putting yourself forward as a third option is unforgivable. I mean the dumb or dumber two party system is sacrosanct and has never let anyone down. If people just voted for who they thought would do the better job that would be like democracy.. that shit is just crazy. Independents played key rolls in gaining equal rights for women and minorities. Can you imagine what they would be up to today if we didn’t have the corporate media to keep them out of the public eye and shield us from their crazy ideas?


  14. I love Indy Canidates…if Jesse the Body Ventura had run on a national platform I would have been his speech writer for free. Nader is just a knob.

  15. idealogue Says:

    Independents are not inherently bad, but Nader is a wanker, and has classically managed just enough of the vote to help the republicans win elections.

  16. conundrum Says:

    While Nader was relevant on the (US) national stage for consumer protectionism in the 60’s, he has long ago destroyed his significance with his nonsensical pretensions of political aspirations.

    Meanwhile, I wonder why our Canadian neighbors (such as the esteemed AJ in this instance), some of whom decry American (or USian) matters – why art thou holding forth, this USian wonders…not that there is anything wrong with that.


  17. “Meanwhile, I wonder why our Canadian neighbors (such as the esteemed AJ in this instance), some of whom decry American (or USian) matters – why art thou holding forth, this USian wonders”

    Because Canadian politics are boring as hell. You just had a sitting Governor, and former crusading DA, of the 2nd most populous state…busted for hitting it with 2000$ an hour call girl.

    At this point the U.S. is a like drunk girl on the bus who’s tits keep falling out: I know I shouldn’t look or talk to her..but dammned if I don’t wind up sitting beside her before the rides over.

    I’m a bad person, baby…I keep bad company.

  18. Lulu Malone Says:

    Nader is a scab on America’s ass that needs to be picked off.

  19. Stiletto Says:

    What is a Canadian doing writing about American politics?

  20. Mike Says:

    Oh don’t act like you didn’t drag us into this. You want someone to blame, your patsy is Lou Dobbs.


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