Political Peril: A Beats Entropy special report ; Ralph Nader
March 12, 2008
By design Beats Entropy is largely non partisan, and broadly irrelevant, in the scope of world affairs. Neither are we pundits, nor participants, in the political process. To be honest most of are partially illiterate, and at least one a registered sex offender . While this keeps us from voting, it does not dispel our fascination with the surreal disgrace poetry that is American Politics. More specifically: the presidential race. Thus we have decided to enter the polemic, and weigh in on the candidates in a substantive manner.
In the past I have made my preferences known, but you can be assured I am professional enough to put that aside and give a unbiased analysis on the pieces in play. Above all I am a journalist, and I will not shame the oath I swore all those months ago.
Over the next few days I will be breaking down the Candidates one by one: examining their polices, personal merits, historys, and peccadilloes of note. It is my intent shine the pure light reason bright enough that the true front runner will become clear. Let’s get down to business.
Uncovered during the 1837 excavation of the Panama canal, Ralph Nader entered public life with a shovel busted mouth, and a thirst for justice. Adopted by the diggers who discovered him, Nader soon became an advocate for shorter working hours and safer excavation methods. As a means of buying his silence, the robber barons who supervised the dig, shipped him off to Harvard, where he completed his degree, and did some lawyering for a while.
Around 1960 a deep seeded fear of cars took root and he began campaigning against them. His terror of the swift metal beasts that captured people in their bellies was fully realized in his seminal work “Unsafe at any speed” , launching him into national prominence as a consumer advocate. Throughout the 80’s he railed against the beast machines and other wizard contraptions. Many joined his cause.
Eventually he decided that words alone would not drive his ludite spear into the heart of corporate America, so he began a series of wildly unsuccessful presidential bids. While he never seriously contended, he did heroically defeat his own former parties nominee, and any notion of personal obligation to a broader cause. Victories that would fuel the fires of Quixotic ego fuelled hypocrites for years to come.
Positives: Determination, oblivious to reality, surprisingly full head of hair for a man his age.
Nader is the political equivalent of an old man trying to send back soup at a deli…for like, 20 years. He knows that the owner will never relent, but the soup was cold when he bought it, and he paid a dollar for it, so until that matter of principle is resolved he cannot move on with his life.
Negatives: Self serving, whiny, has never held any political office.
Complaining a lot is not a qualification, it’s a personality defect.
I wouldn’t trust Ralph Nader to run the juice Bar at a NAMBALA meeting. I wouldn’t trust him to sort the dead letter bin at a Denny’s run post office. I wouldn’t trust him to pack hot fudge into a dumpster, with a two Wonka staff, and a ten hour deadline. In short: the man inspires no trust, in me…and much contempt.
Will he win: Nope.
Ralph Nader couldn’t win a Ralph Nader contest with his mother as the judge. He’s destroying his legitimacy, his legacy, and I suspect has something to do with the mysterious holes in the heels of my socks. Fuck that guy.
 This has little to do with the discussion at hand…but you know…keep your kids inside.