ASK BE: political-fantasy-satirical-romance novel

March 17, 2008


“your comic misogyny aside, a lot of that was seriously entertaining prose (the post, not the adolescent rant above). You should write a political-fantasy-satirical-romance novel. Okay, minus the romance bit, though it’d boost sales.”

The Mysterious Baredfeetandteeth

 Technically more a suggestion, than a question proper; but an oddly prescient one. Though I have never mentioned it before now, I have been working on just such a novel for the better part of three years. Due to publisher oversight I can only post a short excerpt. There are a few autobiographical touches, but mostly it’s a allegorical study on the nature of power, and mans desire for fundamental connection.  


For your consideration:

(Excerpt) Woman in full:  A bicamerial seduction

Senator Craig toed the door shut with shocking pedial dexterity, his sinewy calfs bulking impressively under his tawny Aberdeen slacks. Hillary perched coquettishly on the edge of a pages desk, eyeing her political rival with wary intrigue.


  ” Did you really need to privacy to gloat about blocking my health care reform package” said Hillary.

Senator Craig twitched a lipless smirk.

“Do you believe in compromise, Hillary”  said Craig, closing the distance between them with alley cat grace.

 Hillary raised a well plucked  eyebrow

“Do you mean compromise, or, spun surrender? I’ve no wish to put a bow on my defeat, for appearances  sake.”

Craig cosied up the last few feet, until there were bare inches between them. His sleepy lids rolled back to reveal startling orbs of cerulean fish eyed majesty; reaching out he took her bony wrist into his delicate pink hands.

  “Perhaps you could have my support after all…if you were willing to reach across the aisle.”

 Hillary looked away demurely, but her filthy hands slipped to his waist, seemingly of there own accord. With practised ease she unsheathed his congressional member, taking it into her small, and only partially liver spotted, hands…dutifully going about the business of the people.

His turgid man engine surged to life, thrumming with the rigidity of a high tension power wire. Grunting like a stuck wildebeest, Craig lustily flipped Hillary to her stomach, tearing off her tasteful pantsuit with Precambrian abandon

“You just got nominated to chair the senate subcommittee on taking my load…balls deep!”

 Hillary laughed at his clever wordplay…not finding his constant governmental double entendre tired or cliché in any way…then grunted as he gerrymandered his dumptruck like manhood into her lower congressional district.   

 “Dear God Senator….I see why your party has an elephant as it’s symbol”

Craig shuddered then collapsed against her. Pushing away, a look of sudden concern overtook him.

“You’re pro choice, right?”


13 Responses to “ASK BE: political-fantasy-satirical-romance novel”

  1. David Kehoe Says:

    In what way was that autobiographical?

  2. “In what way was that autobiographical?”

    I used to be a cage dancer at a D.C. strip club. Called myself “the Beltway Sniper”. Saw some strange things.

  3. Abraham Says:


  4. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    I refuse to be held responsible for this.

  5. “I refuse to be held responsible for this.”

    No deal! This is our baby and you will love it…no matter how club footed and cleft of palate it may be. Now take it the park, poppa AJ needs a pack of smokes and some time alone with his thoughts (at the titty bar).

  6. Pollyanna Sassmaster Says:

    Abhorrent. Abominable. Atrocious. Contemptible. Despicable. Disgusting. Foul. Loathsome. Mean. Nasty. Nauseating. Nefarious. Obnoxious. Odious. Repugnant. Revolting. Rotten. Sickening. Unwholesome. Vile. Wretched.

    And that just describes the author, to say nothing of the story.

  7. Have we, as a society, become so jaded we can no longer appreciate romance? I realize cynicism is in vogue… but lets take a moments to appreciate gentler times, when a lad could take a fancy to a lass…and back his dumptruck like manhood up to curb.

  8. DLM Says:

    Powerful stuff. I’ll be purchasing that novel when it comes out. Looks like the critcs will be split along gender lines.

  9. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    “Now take it the park, poppa AJ needs a pack of smokes and some time alone with his thoughts (at the titty bar).”

    Oddly enough, I’ve had those exact instructions from previous employers.

    And I will deny my paternity until the DNA results return.

  10. Warcloud Says:

    Wow. I had to read that few times to appreciate just how darkly satirical it was. That, or your just a genuinely disturbed person.

  11. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Aw, give the fella some credit. He can be both.

  12. w0rmwood Says:

    Ok, now I know that i did a bad thing by prematurely agreeing with ‘AJ’s take on Hilary, but I want to officially back down.

    I was wrong.

    Nowhere in my loathing of Hilary as a candidate or as a person did I (or was i capable of) imagining any scene revolving around “dumptruck manhoods” or “womanly curbs.”

    Brilliant work. Granted here I mean brilliant in the same way that Domer was a brilliant cannibal, that is acknowledging the skills that were necessary in performing the act but totally devoid of any claim to the merit of the content of the act.

  13. max Says:

    So are you guys on strike? It has been a while since a post.

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