Letterday 180: Short questions revealing motes of hidden bitterness.
May 8, 2008
How are doing today?
I’m feeling a little off, to be honest. I don’t know if it was a water pressure issue, or the different angles of my ladies friends shower, but I couldn’t get my balls unsoapy this morning. And I’m not talking a light residue; I was surrounded by a frothy mankini that resisted all the standard abolutions. I almost gave myself a damn faucet enema, yet still my scrotum would not remit its soapy bounty. Vexing.
Eventually time constraints drove me out into the world with bubbly pants, and a waft of failure that belied my alarmingly fresh scent. An unsettling turn of events, to be sure.
Are you mean in person? You seem mean.
Not for the most part, but I have my moments. For instance:
I spit on a old man today. Right in his wrinkled old man face. My only regret is not slapping him dry after the fact.
Here’s how it went down:
I, AJ Valliant, am attempting to cross the deathtrap intersection in front my house. A wizened gnome decides he’s going to turn his red Saturn directly into me. I generously direct his attention to the flashing walk sign, the old man acknowledges this, and applies the brakes. I continue across, only to have grandpa mayhem accelerate once again in my direction…bumping my bicycle.
Now, I am understandably upset with his low speed attempt on my life, and make my displeasure known by pounding the hood of his car, and suggesting his surviving relatives euthanize him for the good of the clan. He takes affront, and makes like he’s going to get out of his car and try to be a tough guy…to the obvious horror of his lovely (if equally aged) wife. At this point I’m forced to weigh the visceral satisfaction of pummelling a contentious adversary, with the moral questionability of brutalizing a man well into his 80’s, on a public street.
His wife spared me a difficult choice by restraining him from exiting the car. Instead he rolled down his window, made several loud aspersions in towards to my person and rearing, then presented a gesture of gross incivility. I then spat, derision and phlegm, into his scowling visage. He drove away before things could escalate further.
Not my proudest moment, certainly…but maybe in the top 100.
So what’s been happening with your quest for new music? Any breakthroughs?
It’s been a little silent around these parts lately.
Turns out I’m surprisingly down with alt-country-folk stuff. I never would have thunk it… but it really plays into my love of the story song. There is something about the measured pace that really lets you absorb well crafted lyrics.
The best of a good lot:
[The Oh Susanna one in particular has become one of my favourite songs. Sordid old west tales of abusive pimps, and murdered whores, enflame my sentimental streak.]
And for a little instrumental counterpoint: This track has Bass so dirty sexy it’s probably making time with your girlfriend right now.
 Reader note: This email was received on Friday.
 And by today I mean some point earlier this week…but it reads better when written in the recent past tense.