Ask BE: A question of decency
May 15, 2008
“I fear for my moral well being. Could you please rate the fruits and vegetables in terms of their inherent decency
You set difficult task, Lucas. I’m not really a proponent of objective morality to begin with, and my dietary choices offers limited opportunity for vegetable dalliance, but a question is a question….so I’ll give it a shot.
(Ranked in descending order from Most to Least Decent. The Majority fruits and vegetables are fairly neutral, so I will emphasis the less reliable of their ilk.)
Vegetables/Fruits/Tubers ranked in order of their moral forthrightness
1. I would rank toast here, but several exchanges with agriculture Canada made it clear that it is neither fruit, nor vegetable. I must, therefore, surrender up Toast’s usual place of primacy to it’s starchy brethren: Potato.
The dowdy, if loyal, housewife of the vegetable world, Potato’s are blameless in deed and thought. Though we mash and French them into in myriad forms, there dignity is immutable.
Decency: 10 Licentiousness: 0
Ascetic grapes that have chosen to walk the purifying path of the sun; they surrender up their sinful juices that my oatmeal might be delicious, and righteous. Wizened and wise, their chewy husk a martyrs bounty, natures candy deserves our respect.
Decency: 9 Licentiousness: 3
Harder to love than most, Lemons are tasty on their own terms. Initially cultivated as punishment for unruly Roman slaves, lemons whispered secret words of justice and comfort…salving their wounds, and puckering their mouths. Eventually the Roman empire collapsed; Lemons persevered.
Yes, Lemons are tad bitter and sour…but who the hell are you to judge? Have you lived their life? Did you and all you fine social graces stop by to bring me groceries when I broke my leg? No…cause Lemons did. That’s right, judge them now….you pimps….you whores!
Decency 9 Licentiousness 0 Bitterness 4
A dietary non entity, celery is composed of: water, string, and a few splashes of chlorophyll. It aspires to nothing, and achieves it. It cannot be reviled, anymore than it can be trusted.
I wrote a poem to better encapsulate my distrust of their vegapurgatory :
Would you watch me die, Celery… unmoved by my passing.
Drinking up my blood, with your capillary action.
Decency: 0 Licentiousness: 0
False Raisins made from shrunken flower plums, Figs are liars and defamers; their huge size necessary to hold the weight of their betrayal. Lacking in prunes somber dignity, Figs promise sweetness they cannot deliver, and provide comfort to terrorists’ worldwide. Were it not for there joyous Newton incarnation, they would much lower on this list.
Decency: -3 Licentiousness: 5
Moderately delicious, if loathsomely hairy, the Kiwifruit is undermined by it’s own low self esteem: any fruit that feels the need to have “fruit” as part of it’s name…to remove any doubt to it’s fruitness, is either a) trying way too hard, or, b) has something to hide. If my parents named me AJclearlyahumanboy you would almost have to assume I was a robot, or time traveling alien bent on subversion of the human race. Wouldn’t you? Fruit of character stands on it’s own merits, without the need for redundant nomenclature.
Also: they look a little too much like the Eye of Sauron when cut open. Makes you wonder.
Compare and Contrast
Decency: -5 Licentiousness 3
Wholesome. Dentally efficacious…and by many accounts: in league with the Devil. Sorry apples…we don’t truck with Satanist around here.
Decency: 8 Licentiousness: 5 Consorting with primeval Chthonic forces: 9
In olden days Parsnips cavorted in the near ground with their Carrot brethren, brighter hued…but dark of spirit. Eventually Parsnips wicked perversion ignited a war between them, and the more noble root vegetables, forcing them deep into the Kobold caves. Deprived of the near sun, Parsnips were bleached by darkness and bitter woe, until they took on the awful pallid hue they posses to this day.
Bloodless as an old mans caress, Parsnips are the reaching pedophile of the plant kingdom. Avoid them at all costs.
Decency: -10 Licentiousness 7
Oh dear, sweet, dirty bananas. As delicious as you are licentious. Nutrifying as you are scandalizing. Undermining the self esteem of many a man, with your yellow phallic majesty.
When I was eight my grandmother sat and watched me eat a bushel, her unblinking eyes fixed upon me. A decade later I still couldn’t meet her gaze…the unspoken shame lingering…lingering between us. She’s dead now…though I do not blame Bananas for it, I wonder if the extra potassium was really worth those long years of uneasy silence.
Decency: 3 Licentiousness 10 Capacity to produce hilarious accidents and childhood trauma: 7
Obviously many are left out…but I can’t live Lucas’s whole life for him. Man up, Luke….grab something ripe, and take a bite…hell be dammed.
 It also made clear a wide spread, thinly veiled, hostility woven into Agriculture Canada’s customer service policy.
 Only the Russian found a way to corrupt their nature…but commies ruin everything. Potatoes are no more to blame for Vodka, than they are the deaths of a half million gypsies crushed beneath Stalin’s bootheel. If you must blame a third party, blame Frances over punitive war reparations for empowering the Russians…not innocent potatoes.
 Limes are lemons flashy cousin that hangs with fast crowd, but never quite fits in. Flavouring Gin and taquitos…all the while trying to forget its caustic Citrus roots. Pick a side Lime… we know who you really are.