Top Eight Mistakes I’ve Recently Made: Addendum – lines you should not cross as a gamer

May 18, 2008

Caveats and disclaimers: As a gamer and geek, the following are not meant to unduly target or chastise the noble followers of this digital pastime; but rather present some important guidelines based on minimum standards of social viability and dignity.

8 – Celibacy. Video games should never come before sex. The only two exceptions to this rule are a) if you require more than twice the standard dose of any medication to function sexually, or b) if you have had sex more than four times in the last two hours – in which case your partner is just being greedy and should learn to share. (1)

7 – Food. While it is acceptable to consume a meal while playing video games, one should not compromise the taste, texture, or nutritional content of a meal so as to facilitate gaming. Therefore, occasionally choosing to eat pizza while gaming is ok; choosing not to heat it up even though you hate cold pizza so as to avoid mess, not so much. Similarly, blending your pot-roast, broccoli and potatoes into an easy to consume slushy is also across the line.

6 – Epilepsy. In the event that the excessive staring at fast moving, brightly flashing, images causes momentary or permanent seizures or other symptoms of epilepsy, it is essential that you lie and pretend you experienced similar symptoms in another context. Never, under any circumstances, admit that the 14 hours straight of Sonic the Hedgehog preceded your first epileptic episode.

5 – Epiphanies. It is, without exception, not ok to have a moment of enlightenment while gaming. To experience a moment of atma or the divine while solving jumping puzzles, killing ninjas, stealing cars, racing karts, shooting zombies (yes even when killing zombies), or questing to save any manor of ‘princess’ is absolutely unacceptable. In the event that this does occur, it likely signals not a moment of true light and wisdom, but instead a tiny glimpse of the anemic state of the rest of your existence, or alternatively that you work a high tech or cubicle job.

4 – Ending Contracts. Be it a social contract such as a relationship, common law status or marriage, or an economic contract such as employment; one should never let a contract be ended while gaming. This, however, must be distinguished against ending such a contract. Thus, it is not ok to have a significant other walk out on you while gaming, it is in contradistinction, perfectly legitimate to end a relationship while gaming – especially if the ending does not affect game performance and adds an element of petty satisfaction to the endeavor.

3 – Dying. It is never acceptable to die playing video games. Be it in a natural disaster or at the end of a 76 hour caffeine pill fueled escape from an otherwise meaningless life, no dignity can be maintained if one is snuffed out while gaming.(2)

2 – Crapping your pants. There are few things more humiliating than dying while playing video games, crapping your pants is however one of them. If given the choice being soiling yourself while playing a game or having your intestines explode and fill your insides with toxic organic waste – always choose the latter.

1 – Weeping. It is absolutely and without question not ok to weep or sob while enjoying digital entertainment. Barring tears of joy, which do not technically qualify under the term ‘weeping,’ there is only one exception to this rule: the consecutive breaching of more than three of the above mentioned rules. So, for example, while weeping would not be acceptable after being fired and having a mild epileptic seizure; sobbing would be appropriate if one’s significant other had just broken it off after one had refused to have sex prior to ‘beating the level’ only to have the liver and spinach shake come back like a colonospy gone awry.(3)

Footnotes

(1) This of course does not in any way relate to either copulating or masturbating while gaming, though proper etiquette does prohibit masturbation while conversing via a headset or online chat system.

(2) While not a full on exception, a death related to anything noted in footnote (1) does constitute a mitigating factor.

(3) In some exceptional circumstances fewer than three ‘rule breaches’ may combine to justify weeping – such as having a spouse or partner die moments after a great epiphany about spiritual wellbeing during a mutual 30 hour gaming binge, or loosing your job as a after accidentally letting slip the fact that you had a small seizure while doinking your boss’ Sims character.

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2 Responses to “Top Eight Mistakes I’ve Recently Made: Addendum – lines you should not cross as a gamer”

  1. Jive Says:

    Your lack of dedication to gaming is deeply disappointing. I can only assume your wife and career aspirations are to blame.


  2. There are two thing I will not tolerate

    1) Someone telling me when to crap my pants

    2) Someone telling me when I should have sex

    In the past…there has been terrible concurrence between those two intolerances.


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